Time Spent is Time Wasted

[HitHardDrums55]

This song is not necessarily about breaking up with a girl, see if you can figure out what it's really about...

After I make my needed changes to the lyrics of this one, I'm gonna try to write guitar or bass to it.

"Time Spent is Time Wasted"

Look what God's done
Looks like He's made a mistake.
You look like such an angel, but
Speak the language of the devil.
You're really killing me!

(Chorus 1)
Time Spent with you
Is a loaded gun
With your finger on the trigger
Pointed in my direction!

Like the blue sky backdrop
Of a Hollywood movie scene
Fallen to the ground...
It reveals a fiery Hell
Are you on the screen?
Or just a memory in my head?
'Cause this burning hot Hell
Is all I see in your eyes

(Chorus 2)
Time spent with you
Circulation lost
Hopefully I'll pass out real soon
And never awaken

(Bridge/Breakdown)
I'm through with you!
You'll never get me back! (I'm through with you!)
Don't try to get me back! (I'm through with you!)

The two chorus's are meant to be sung the same way, the 2 verses are meant to be played very different from one another while still flowing with the same general style...the bridge/breakdown is meant to be somewhat similar to the end of This Is Getting Over You by alk3, but different at the same time with the singing a little different. The first line is the only line not repeated in the bridge, and in parentheses is apparently background vocals
Hopefully this can turn out to be sounding kind of angry and energetic at the same time

post links or the name of your song and i will try to crit yours also..thanks!

[zfmt]

i liked it all but the ending

[HitHardDrums55]

thanks...theres supposed to be kind of a pause before the ending starts then it comes back in and its a little weird but if we can do it right i think it might sound ok...but what do you think i should change about it?

[WaNt2rOcK!]

yeah, the last part could do without the Echoey type thing, (sounds like an avril piece or a jojo tune) unless that's what you're going for then that's awesome!

[HitHardDrums55]

haha im definately not goin for avril/jojo style...listen to This Is Getting Over You by Alkaline Trio and listen to the very end when Dan is singing and then Matt kind of sings something else and they kind of have a weaving effect or something...thats similar to what i'm going for but i'll try it w/o the background vox for sure see whats better

EDIT: do you guys see anything in the verses i could change? i'd like to not change at least the 1st chorus but if something better would work out for the 2nd i'd like to hear it, although i like that one as well...i guess just more ideas to help my creativity out?

[Distance Distortion Factor]

My comments are added in the quote below marked by ()

This song is not necessarily about breaking up with a girl, see if you can figure out what it's really about...

After I make my needed changes to the lyrics of this one, I'm gonna try to write guitar or bass to it.

"Time Spent is Time Wasted"

Look what God's done
Looks like He's made a mistake.
You look like such an angel, but
Speak the language of the devil.
You're really killing me!

( good start, suggestion try to find something a little less basic then angels and devils, unless your going with a childish theme)

(Chorus 1)
Time Spent with you
Is a loaded gun
With your finger on the trigger
Pointed in my direction!

(the problem here is not the chorus itself, but its the second chorus which does this one no justice, either revise chorus 2 or just use this one over again because it is awesome and perhaps the best written part of the piece.)

Like the blue sky backdrop
Of a Hollywood movie scene
Fallen to the ground...
It reveals a fiery Hell
Are you on the screen?
Or just a memory in my head?
'Cause this burning hot Hell
Is all I see in your eyes

( The hell concept again...The hollywood reference are good, but ditch the hell thing it's not doing anything for me...the flow is nice, just the revison of the angel devil thing)

(Chorus 2)
Time spent with you
Circulation lost
Hopefully I'll pass out real soon
And never awaken

(work on this one a little more good concept, but the flow of words does no justice to the first chorus)

(Bridge/Breakdown)
I'm through with you!
You'll never get me back! (I'm through with you!)
Don't try to get me back! (I'm through with you!)

(cliche and basic, work on this, from what i've seen you are much more creative then this...)

The two chorus's are meant to be sung the same way, the 2 verses are meant to be played very different from one another while still flowing with the same general style...the bridge/breakdown is meant to be somewhat similar to the end of This Is Getting Over You by alk3, but different at the same time with the singing a little different. The first line is the only line not repeated in the bridge, and in parentheses is apparently background vocals
Hopefully this can turn out to be sounding kind of angry and energetic at the same time

post links or the name of your song and i will try to crit yours also..thanks!

Final Thought: Good start, but your lyrics are inconsistent, some paint great pictures other ones just seem cartoonish to me...anyways i have nothing but faith in you to return a mature theme in the revison of these pieces, cause there are some great lines in here..

oh and if you have time check out mine i would apprciate it...

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=360780

[HitHardDrums55]

thanks, looking back at it that 2nd chorus isnt too great...i'll rethink that one! the ending i dunno i'll see what i can do about that...the title, good or change it?

[HitHardDrums55]

how's this for edits so far (bold is lines that were changed/edited)

Verse 1:
Look what God's done,
Looks like He's made a mistake
On you my dear.
What happened to your conscience?
You're really killing me now!

Chorus 2:
Time Spent with you
Is lack of breathing
With just seconds of conciousness
And I'm in a coma!

Verse 2: (not much is changed in here I don't know how to take out the hell part and make it sound right...)
Like the blue sky backdrop
Of a Hollywood movie scene
Fallen to the ground...
Reveals a fiery Hell. (took out the word "it")
Are you on the screen?
Or just a memory in my head?
'Cause this burning flame
Is all I can see in your eyes!

if the 2nd verse is still not up to where it should be for the rest of the song maybe some hints on how to fix it up? is the 2nd chorus better? i'm trying to keep each line the exact number of syllables as the 1st chorus for best fit with the music, so it at least makes more sense now, and is verse 1 better? thanks

and again: name, change or keep? ("Time Spent is Time Wasted")

[sopborste]

Look what God's done
Looks like He's made a mistake.
You look like such an angel, but
Speak the language of the devil.
You're really killing me!
That's a pretty cool start. It's a smart idea. Although you should fix the 5th line. It's not too good. Could make a metaphor about it or something. Just dont say "you'rereally killing me".

Time Spent with you
Is a loaded gun
With your finger on the trigger
Pointed in my direction!
Seems like this relationship wasnt too good... :)

Second verse confused me too much. My fault, not yours. Hah.

Time spent with you
Circulation lost
Hopefully I'll pass out real soon
And never awaken
First two lines were cool. Liked them. The rest feels too depressing and cliche. But I dunno, you maybe like it that way.Then go for it.

Breakdown was decent. I think it was an Ok ending :)

Good work, but I think you should reconsider some parts. But that's just me.

PS: Thanks for your crit.

[HitHardDrums55]

should i keep verse 1 as it was or change it to the edited one i just posted?
im definately keeping the new chorus 2 over the old one
verse 2, should i make the small changes or no?
thanks

[HitHardDrums55]

another potential verse 1:

Look what God's done
Looks like He's made a mistake
On you my dear
You look like such an angel but
Speak the language of the devil!

out of the 3 which do u guys like best?

[sopborste]

Third, third, third. Because then you got rid of the "youä're really killing me now" which I didnt like :D

[HitHardDrums55]

anyone else?

[ATC]

Hmm.
Starts off okay. Speaks the language of the devil is an awkward phrase. I realize you're not trying to complicate the imagery too much but you might want to use tongues imagery or something. You're really killing me isn't a strong line either. Musically, it might work but it'd still be cliche.

Your chorus lays it bare, which sometimes works and sometimes doesnt. 'is like a loaded gun'...too obvious. 'looks a lot like a loaded gun'. A little better. Still some way to go, but lets move on to the next verse. PS; your first chorus>second chorus.

Next verse is poorly written. Its like a B-Movie. Lyrically, just not sound.
The rest of it goes in the same vein. Lyrically, the Nickelback school of writing just isnt too sound. While you'll probably manage to get some energy flowing in this, remember this. Dont do anything that might have been done the same way before. I'm through with you etc. I've heard it a million times before and so have you. And the imagery should not be descriptive, but evocative. Your description of a falling movie set just doesn't cut it. Let me feel like I'm there. I figure that with a certain amount of work, you could write good choruses, but you need a lot of work to get your imagery fixed. Don't say things flat out. Say them in ways people can relate to on more than the superficial level.

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

wording is pretty good
no flow, no rhymes
which in my opinion is a song killer
sure you can make a song with rhyming
IMO its a bad idea though

[HitHardDrums55]

majority of my other songs DO rhyme...i just never found anything that sounded good that rhymed for this one so i used stuff that sounded good to me that didnt rhyme..i have a way to sing it so it flows pretty well, but i have to teach it to my bands singer once i get all the eff-ups fixed in here and a final copy completed

by the way, when i wrote this i didnt have it in any structure, i wrote both choruses 1st, then i wrote both verses and the bridge then put them in the order theyre in now..the very 1st chorus i had in my head for like 3 days while i was at the beach before i actually wrote it down, but it was word-for-word what i had always had in my head surprisingly enough cause i had a way to sing it too

[HitHardDrums55]

addicted_tochaos, what is tongues imagery? and i have decided to rewrite part of the first verse for sure from what it says at the top to this:

Look what God's done
Looks like He's made a mistake
On you my dear
You look like such an angel but
Speak the language of the devil!

to eliminate the "you're really killing me" line

bridge/breakdown is soon to be changed...in time it will be new

[ATC]

Tongues refers to the common language of all people before the Tower of Babel, in Judeo-Christian mythology. Hence, the expression, to speak in tongues or to speak in things that are misinterpreted/gibberish. Its the basis of a theological argument as well. If you've been to any JW or other freaky Christian prayer meeting, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. I dated one of those for awhile.

[HitHardDrums55]

for example? but that did give me a general idea..

[HitHardDrums55]

bump

[Ilija]

Look what God's done
Looks like He's made a mistake
On you my dear
You look like such an angel but
Speak the language of the devil!

Is a better verse one than the previous ones. I agree with Sopborste the line
you're really killing me now just wasnt really a great one, so yeah keep the third version.

As for the two chorus's

(Chorus 1)
Time Spent with you
Is a loaded gun
With your finger on the trigger
Pointed in my direction!

And

Chorus 2:
Time Spent with you
Is lack of breathing
With just seconds of conciousness
And I'm in a coma!

The first chorus is good it works well but as for the 2nd one its good apart from the last line it. Though it fits in with what the chorus is about the line just doesnt fit in.To me.

Verse Two


Like the blue sky backdrop
Of a Hollywood movie scene
Fallen to the ground...
Reveals a fiery Hell.
Are you on the screen?
Or just a memory in my head?
'Cause this burning flame
Is all I can see in your eyes!

I think its really good, you use some good imagery and it works well there is no real need to change it.

Overall man its a pretty good peice, Job well done.

Also thanks for critting my peice.

[HitHardDrums55]

thanks! i'll get the new bridge posted as soon as i get it written

[SMOK3]

It's an alright song, some good lines and some that could be done without... It just really seems likes there are too many songs having to do with guns and killing/pulling the trigger/whatever.... Maybe if you are into that, I guess its ok, but I am really glad you changed those lines.

[HitHardDrums55]

yeah theres a lot around but im really into that style of lyric writting, although thats the first song i've ever written using it. and those lines i changed even i realized after reading it that a lot of them just kinda sucked. im much happier with the new version as Ilija posted it, i think it works out the best with the small changes and there is still more to come.

[HitHardDrums55]

Here's the completely edited version of the song as of now, let me know what you all think of this version. i'm also still waiting for feedback on the title...im trying to decide if it's good or not and can't figure out for myself on this one...

Time Spent is Time Wasted

Look what God's done
Looks like He's made a mistake
On you my dear
You look like such an angel but
Speak the language of the devil!

(Chorus 1)
Time Spent with you
Is a loaded gun
With your finger on the trigger
Pointed in my direction!

Like the blue sky backdrop
Of a Hollywood movie scene
Fallen to the ground...
Reveals a fiery Hell.
Are you on the screen?
Or just a memory in my head?
'Cause this burning flame
Is all I can see in your eyes!

(Chorus 2)
Time Spent with you
Is lack of breathing
With just seconds of conciousness
And I'm in my deathbed!

(Bridge)
*instrumental*

[Popeye]

nice... I didn't like your constant use of the exclamaation mark but I liked it nonetheless. Ever heard of Jojo? Or Avril Lavigne? I can imagine it to one of that kind of genre. Punk/Pop I think is the appropriate word. Very good.

[HitHardDrums55]

kind of emo...i think this is gonna have the feel of a mix of Fugazi and Alkaline Trio sort of...kind of weird mix but hopefully it will be better than avril ;) havent ever listened to jojo but im assuming its the same style as avril...

PS: the ! is just to show that its kinda angry sounding, but not screaming at the same time, so it probably wouldnt really be sung with the exclamation point as it would be read in say a novel or something...

[HitHardDrums55]

bump

[masada]

Someone hasn't replied in a day's time?!?! :amaze:
WHAT WILL YOU EVER DO?!?!?!?!

Bump

[kiros_music]

pretty good i guess needs to flow better and have rhymes. some lines are a bit cliche but w/e. it needs stronger lines that really grab your attention i guess you would say. It's ok overall

[HitHardDrums55]

Someone hasn't replied in a day's time?!?! :amaze:
WHAT WILL YOU EVER DO?!?!?!?!

it was pushed down a page by new threads, i highly doubt anybody with anything better to do will go past the 1st page of threads...

[AnotherGuitarist]

yeah this does sound a little pop punk, but theres nothing wrong with that, do the exclamation points mean that youre screaming those lines? i like the chorus' a lot and i really like the " like the blue sky backdrop of a hollywood movie scene" awsome line, its a lot better than the first version of it, good job on the improvement.

[HitHardDrums55]

why thank you kind fellow ;) and yeah my whole style is the pop-punk/emo/a little experimental stuff

the exclamation points just mean its hyper, not necessarily screaming

[llama1600]

i like it, definately sounds like a pop-punk style. There really isn't anything i would change about it.

[HitHardDrums55]

bump...here's the song again

Time Spent is Time Wasted

Look what God's done
Looks like He's made a mistake
On you my dear
You look like such an angel but
Speak the language of the devil!

(Chorus 1)
Time Spent with you
Is a loaded gun
With your finger on the trigger
Pointed in my direction!

Like the blue sky backdrop
Of a Hollywood movie scene
Fallen to the ground...
Reveals a fiery Hell.
Are you on the screen?
Or just a memory in my head?
'Cause this burning flame
Is all I can see in your eyes!

(Chorus 2)
Time Spent with you
Is lack of breathing
With just seconds of conciousness
And I'm in my deathbed!

(Bridge)
*instrumental*

read the very first post to learn a little about the thought process (this is the modified better version)