View Full Version : Challenge 90 - Voting
07-02-2005, 10:41 AM
bowl of oranges
Ack, they're breeding like rabbits.
Rabbits that I have to critique. Oh wells.
Dfelon- It's an amazing poem. I can see why this is the optimum length for this piece, but it does leave me feeling a little cheated. As always, you're a poet before you were a lyricist. 4
Bowl of O- You started off on the wrong foot. The title and the word 'thug'.
You show a lot of promise though since you manage to turn it all around from
stanza three onwards. Hell,I'd say cut the first two verses. Potentially good, just feels a little hurried. 3
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE- Awkward name,non? This shouldn't be one lump like it
is now. You've got some distinct parts, trapped in one congealed mass. Lines
5-6 and the last bit. 5
Disco D- I like the progression. The challenge word's in an awkward place and your rhymes feel forced 'malevolence, violence'. Beelzebub? That sounds...interesting, though I'd love to see how you'd work that musically. Average,for the most part. 10
Necroses- I think I mentioned in the replies thread all the comments I had for you. Feels like you're trying too hard. 11
RunAmokRampant- I like. I don't know how I managed to miss this the first time around. You struggle with awkwardness in a few places. Its not as big a deal as when you started out. You've come a long way towards getting yourself organized. Good job. I don't know what the these phrases are (that are, which are, etc). For a creative writing major, I do suck for not knowing that but still, you use those in places where they dont need to be. It breaks the flow and blunts the hook. Your second verse/chorus suffers from that. You don't really need the 'searching for' part. I'd think 'A soft center..' works a little better. Makes it more hook-y, if you will. Overall, one of the better pieces this time around. 1
Bisnotch- My head hurts. I hope you will someday be introduced to a little word called structure. Unorganized ideas made into a collage. There's a few interesting ideas in there that would do well by themselves, but I just honestly cannot focus on them cos I have to navigate through way too much. 8
Corupt- You wrote a song,only to bring in an ice cream chain? Wtf? Crayola?
You also rhyme a bit much, even though that is your strength, i guess. Its that part I like about your work, the simple nature of it, but duuude, no corporate name-dropping. 9
Javery- Not a very effective rebel cry. You get your point across, I'll give you that but it does not make me want to do anything about it. 13
Puredemocracy- Uh okay. You had me going for a little while. I thought it felt funky when it started but then you broke my heart. No. Not very effective as a eulogy or repartee to a dead person or whatever. 14
Machinegunfunk- I hope you understand some of the basics of writing an effective political song. I think it was Tom Morello who said it about good songs make you want to tap your feet and bang your girl while great songs make you want to burn the police or something. Do you think your song makes anyone want to do anything? The last part does that, but your first two verses dont. Not unless you have a chorus to link them. 12
Dancin'Man- I'm indifferent to this at this point. You start off and end cheesy. The conversations are mildly interesting and I love your use of the challenge word. 6
Zerogauge- Ordinary pop rock. Lyrically not very sound, but you'll make it to the radio. Ps: That was the most horrible usage of the challenge word...Ever!! 15
Crimsonpunk- The ghost of Danzig. You've got some of the wry lines down but this seems like you hastily cobbled together your thoughts after listening to a Misfits Cd. 7
Subtle- I critted this in the S&L forums. I cant think of anything new to say, except that your avatar blinds me in its fluorescence. 2
07-02-2005, 03:55 PM
Why did I choose such a packed competition to enter?
bowl of oranges 9
Disco Dragon 3
Dancin' Man x
DFelon204409 I liked the idea and the approach and envy your ability to write but it feels unfinished. It's like reading a book, getting to the just before the climax only to find that some asshole has taken it upon themself to tear out the rest of the pages. I don't necessarily want a resolution, but I want to feel like I can come out of this thinking and there just isn't enough there for me. Rest assured though, if this had felt finished to me, I would give you the first place ahnds down. Your writing is well above the other entries this time around. 7/10
bowl of oranges I am not a fan of your language. It seems like you waver between livejournal poetry and something even less refined. The word thug is annoying. A somewhat cool idea but it feels like you made a really direct (overly so) poem and then to make it more subtle just chopped pieces out. 4/10
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE I hate your username. I do however, like your piece. It wasn't a very original idea but the way you said it was good. I liked your imagery for the most part. The ending was a highlight. 7.9/10
Disco Donkey Hmmmm... this is about as uncheesy as you one can make this topic. It was well delivered for the most part and the progression of thoughts was excellent. Overall well done. I felt like thename Beezlebub was way out of context. It just didn't seem to fit with everything else. 7.8/10
Necroses-bass Religious imagery from Revelations! You da man! I might note that God marked the followers of the Beast so that he would know who to punish, as far as I can understand. Now, I really dislike what you wrote because it is bland and doesn't exciteme. It feels like standard death and blood metal lyrics fare. Your flow in the last real stanza is weak although it is the strongest stanza. You get many extra points for doing your homework (although I haven't yet gotten that far in Revelation, I'llassume you did some at least) 5.4/10
RunAmokRampant I liked this. It was original and all fit with itself. Your word choice is strong and the ending was perfect. I'm not sure if this was meant to be an assault on current affairs but if it were, it didn't annoy me which those normally do. nicely written 8.1/10
bisnotch Splititintostanzas.It'shardtowanttoreadthewayitis, doyouunderstand? Ew. I hated it. Well, no. I hated most of it. It seemed like a jumble of mildly releated ideas poorly stitched together. I hated how common most of the language was. I dislike that. I want poetry and lyrics to sound intelligent. You had some good imagery but it often felt unconnected. Learn to organize your thoughts into a logical progression with transitions and mature your language while attempting to avoid cliches. Also, if you don't vote (I doubt you will, you seem like you only put this here to get a few ritiques you can't get in the S&L forum) I will beg the mods to ban you. 2.5/10
Corupt2057 This was corny but decent until I hit the bit about Baskin Robbins which was trumped in retardation by the crayon bit. Context. Learn how to fit things together. This reminded me of eating fruit salad with tabsco sauce and turpentine dipping sauce. 3.1/10 P.S. Though you are decent with rhyme, don't over do it.
JaveryAM No. I do not care about your social or political views no matter how well written they are unless there is an interesting metaphor or story over top. The ideas were delivered well although many of the lines are quite weak and your word choice is bad in spots (words to kill - Endorsements & Government). Keep up the good work, which is code for use better ideas, running metaphors or simply better stories. 5/10
addicted_tochaos Why does the second stanza start with the word "cos"? Cos what? I like this, It is well written for the most part and has some cool imagery. I like the word choice usually. I wish it were more clear why. Why did things turn out the way they did? I want an event. Maybe there isn't one and maybe that's not the point but I want it, even if it's vague. 7.5/10
But seriously, stop. It isn't helping. Well, I kind of doubt anything could help this song. I say scrap it and start over with a better idea, less direct approach, more mature language and better use of words. 2/10
machinegunfunk What an original title. No. I do not care about your social or political views no matter how well written they are unless there is an interesting metaphor or story over top. I hate this. I cannot stand preaching and I cannot stand political writing or poetry. I cannot stand political music. I cannot stand this. I do not like the repetition of the phrase "Worth ___ing for". Good game. Play again. "OBJECTIVITY" EDIT: And it sucked. 2.1/10
Dancin' Man Do you want to get dinner with me, maybe?
zer0gauge When you rhyme/It is a crime. I bet this would do your mother proud. It does not help so stop. Anyway, I didn't like it. It was basic and under-developed and showed a low level of maturity in your writing. Do you listen to nu-metal by chance? My advice is to read a lot of lyrics by respeted lyricists and poets then try again. 2.3/10
Crimsonpunk Christ. I hate these kinds of lyrics. If you are going to write about gore, go play in a grind band or make it more subtle and artistic. Do not however pull this "I'm angry to I kill stuff and it is beautiful" crap. The theme sucks. The rhymes you use suck. The delivery is fine and you use good words. 3/10
SubtleDagger Hmmm... very up and down. The way you arranged it all I like a lot but the last lines of stanzas (i'm counting every block of line(s) as a stanza) 2 and 3 seemed weak and out of place. The whole theme seemed not so strong and not very original although you did a decent job with it. The second to last stanza I really disliked. It didn't seem to reflect what you are capable of. You have good ideas throghout but sometimes the delivery is flawed. 7.6/10
07-02-2005, 08:30 PM
Impressive to say the least. A little short but is one the most tidiest poems in this challenge. The imagery is original and probably the only strong point throughout the piece although it flows nicely.
bowl of oranges 9th
Some good descriptive language but I feel the first two parts of the song are disjointed from the rest. Maybe it's because you change the narrative structure and that causes confusion. It's an okay song but the message seems to be a bit shrouded a little more than anticipated but I got it anyway. Not really outstanding but average.
Not too bad but it would be nice if you organised it a little better structure wise. A little fragmentation of the lines will help I think although this is a little short it could have been at least split into two parts. However it was interesting and had only a few grammatical problems which I'm pretty lenient on so it was not a bad effort.
Disco Dragon 6th
I actually don't mind this. Simplistic but well thought out. I don't like the way the structure is set out. The stanzas are too short and there are too many of them. Makes reading the poem more difficult and that is not what you want.
I don't mean to be rude or condescending in any way but I feel that you're not a natural writer. Don't take this the wrong way, it's just that I think you have to try harder to create lyrics than some of the other writers in this challenge. But I sense effort was put in this song and the initial idea was decent. The imagery is too bland and doesn't develop into anything really exciting.
I'm surprised that I actually read this whole thing. I thought when I started that I would burn out half way through. Some structure here is needed as the lyrics seems all twisted and it mutates the story into some kind of lyrical jam. The ideas you have are interesting but there are just too many. A different or a more conventional approach will not go to waste as I feel many readers will not bother to fully read your song because of the lack of structure.
I didn't like the Crayola metaphor at all. It simply doesn't fit. The rhyming gets a bit tiring but there is no denying that you're good at it. Some good descriptive language dotted throughout the song and good word choice for the most part.
Yes this is better than your last but a lot more work is needed to fully develop this. I'm not a big political music fan but I find there are good political songs out there and whgat you need to do if you ever decide to write another political song is to make it a lot more subtle in your approach and word choice. Scrap words like endorsements and government and figurative language can be your best friend. I suggest you listen to "Pet" by A Perfect Circle" for a good example of what I'm trying to say.
This is pretty good but it feels cut off at the end. It end too abruptly for me. I feels unfinished and at least could have another stanza. I think I get what you're trying to say but I'm not exactly sure because when I think I've nailed the message the next line or section totally makes no sense of what I thought the message was.
I'm not really into this song. I'm also not into drugs either. If this is a poem to a dead friend or relative you should make it less confronting and less black and white. Writing about snorting coke and using slangish language such as pot and booze is not the way to go. Not a beautifully written song and not enough emotion or figurative language to really paint a good picture of what you're trying to say.
This was okay till the last stanza and then it took a cliche path with the "worth dying for" parts. Sounds a bit lame and a failed climatic ending. The rest was well written and worded however.
Dancin' Man 4th
Not bad for a religious song. There isn't too much content to work with but the interchanging perspective works exceptionally well. Nice title which basically outlines the theme of the piece.
I don't mind this because the rhyming is simple but is not overtly annoying. That is probably the only redeeming aspect of the poem. Need to work out the content better with structure and development. Vocabulary might need to improve a bit but that is not the major concern of the poem I think
Gorefest? Meh. The last line seems pointless. Cant seem to find the challenge word either
"I left a skid mark just for you" Wtf? That is weird way of describing things or am I taking this the wrong way? It works but I'm not sure if it fits the tone of this piece. Otherwise it is a good poem.
07-02-2005, 10:06 PM
A majority of these were awful, so it's going to be hard picking who's last.
DFelon204409 4 - You had the best use of the word by far, but the lack of depth along a feeling that you sort of just wrote it for the challenge held you back from first place.
bowl of oranges 8 - Your writing lacks passion. It feels like they turned Conor Oberst's retarded new lyrical style into a random lyric generator, and you are the beta tester. But because you can somewhat construct a song, you are the very best of the worst.
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE 2 - A great piece, but I just think the subject matter was a little lackluster to hold up to Subtle's.
Disco Dragon 13 - Ew, you threw everything I hate about songwriting in and tried to look good doing it.
Necroses-bass 14 - Holy crap that was bad.
RunAmokRampant 6 - I liked your vocab, and that last line was great, but the piece just falls short when you stack it up against the top 5.
bisnotch 5 - A decent piece, no complaints, it was just a bit anti-climatic.
Corupt2057 7 - Your subject matter seems a little dull, and there wasn't anything standout in there either. Not good, not bad.
JaveryAM 12 - You are getting better, me thinks.
addicted_tochaos 3 - Enjoyable, with some good one/two liners in thrown in, but overall it just lacked the togetherness to shoot it up to first.
puredemocracy 16 - Last place, you know you did worse than I can describe, because the entries this challenge were, for the most part, God awful.
machinegunfunk 9 - Wow, it's the same as everyone else's political song; awful. Jason Zane must be teaching the lyric writing classes over at the community college now adays. Your word usage keeps you in the middle of the pack.
Dancin' Man 10 - Religion grates on my nerves. A valliant effort though.
zer0gauge 11 - Your chorus and somewhat clever lines kept you out of last place.
Crimsonpunk 15 - Song about vampires lost all meaning when Atreyu released The Curse, sorry.
SubtleDagger 1 - I liked the flow and vocab you used in this, and aside from those last few lines, it was a great piece, with a well placed use of the challenge word.
07-03-2005, 09:11 AM
Hey, what can i say?
(That's a rhyme right there look)
I thought it was meant to be a song, not a poem or a shakespeare sonnet.
I saw the comp, and wrote it in about 5 minutes, making it up as i typed.
Cheerz for the crit anyways, you shall be swayed yet!!
07-03-2005, 06:01 PM
DFelon204409 - no
bowl of oranges - 5.8 - 6
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE - 4.5 - 13
Disco Dragon - 5.0 - 11
Necroses-bass - 5.3 - 10
RunAmokRampant - 6.8 - 2
bisnotch - 5.5 - 7
Corupt2057 - 5.4 - 8
JaveryAM - 4.9 - 12
addicted_tochaos - 7.0 - 1
puredemocracy - 0.1 - Dead Last (15)
machinegunfunk - 5.4 - 9
Dancin' Man - 6.0 - 5
zer0gauge - 6.1 - 4
Crimsonpunk - 2.0 - 14
SubtleDagger - 6.6 - 3
There was way too much Jesus in this challenge. If you want a crit put it in the replies thread.
07-07-2005, 02:14 AM
honestly this gave me one of those feelings I only get from watching one of those roman movies like the gladiator or something.. it just took me back and above all it was your language cause basically you weren't really done setting the scene and mood til about the end.. anyways it's good and I like the way it took me back the 2nd line was the best
bowl of oranges
the way your phrasing keeps switching from what seems like plain language to poetry is annoying and the way the lines feel so awkward when your trying to give it that shakespeare feel, honestly this style isn't working for you either use one extreme or the other.. as for the context and idea of the song/poem/whatever I think you just need to work with it and smooth out everything that is holding it back..
critiqued this in S&L awhile back
where's the title you crackhead
ok I'm stopping to comment on the opener that was pimp, I know that would sound really good with a 3 doors down tone to it anyways I'll read the rest ;-) 2nd stanza 3rd line I really don't feel you need the 'hypnotized' rhyme in there because first it's lame and the stanza before didn't really have that strong of an inner rhyme for you to need to stick to that scheme or structure.. ok now going to read the rest.. man this is getting worse to honest.. I mean.. sickly kind, Beezlebub, evil touch.. umm all that just really sounds gay and forced your rhyme scheme is killing this it sounds bad.. ok your second chorus is nice I really liked it but it isn't making up for the other crapola ;-) the last verse was good I thought.. over-all this didn't sound like something you produce so it's either really old or you got some writer's block crap goin on
a narrative poem hmm.. this sucks I could go read Cat in the Hat and write a narrative poem about the imagery I saw in the pictures and the style probably wouldn't be to far from this if I was going for a metal sound.. honestly just think about what I said I'm not bashing you and I don't know you so I have no means to be bais towards you.. so thats just my opinion..
are you black? I mean cause you wrote that other song called Hated Helen and now this and it's has the KKK in it to.. anyways whatever you are doesn't matter I thought this was good you sure do like your ballad songs but this one was kind of like uhh not really a ballas but a narrative somethin or the other "with beautiful communities that hold luxuries only nibbled" I liked that how you said only nibbled I thought that was very good and "One feral look and a violent reaction,
and then they begin to fall in line,
white picket fences surrounding beautiful communities" and that was just sharp
dude some stanzas would actually make me want to read this.. I hate you cause I have to read this like it is.. just want you to know it. "Cause survival has become so scene." didya mean obscene?
ok I don't hate you anymore that was d@mn good.. every thought and arguement was dynamite in the way you delivered it (except the wormhole but you delivered it well none the less) man I liked this alot this was really good you need to to break it up somehow but I thought it was awesome the way you expressed your meaning in an explanation of plain imagery but pushing the reader into the mood your giving it, that's some true writer skill you lil bitch ;-)
Corupt2057 - lol that song was cheesy (ATC I just wanted 'The Man' to take motto's from it ;-) )
"labyrinthian maze" are you stupid? hmm this is uhh.. I'm having a hard time tieing your imagery to whatever this has to do with th govt.. anyways the last verse before the last two lines was decent..
hell yeah this was some good stuff man, the deal about the mail not being read I love it when a writer does that they state something that everyone does but doesn't realize it until someone says something about it anyways the song was tight and I really liked the ending and the cellophane and silver screen kind of had a consonant rhyme going on, kind of gave the song a rocking beat there for a sec
I feel ya man but you delivered this in a juvenile rhyme forcing way and it's sucks because of that but it has potential if you can get past that, you just need to revise
lines 3thru5 of first verse were good, yeah you mispelt hypocracy(nit picking, I know) the ending was thought provoking but as a whole this lacked just because of the language in some parts made it feel like a mouthful
you jew lol.. I don't like the belief that God is only going to take 144,000 anyways as for the song it was decent but nothing really grabbed me..
this had a rocking tone all through it and the chesire grine line was catchy and the second stanza 'keys and rings' that whole little paragraph was very catchy too and the last line of your chorus ending perfectly and smoothly.. this is a good song man, good work
where's the title you crackhead
'every' 'moonlit' use spellcheck cracker, anyways I didn't like this but I don't tend to like the dark therianthropy stuff
man like always your a good writer but I think you just hender your work with your vocabulary in some parts
"Our blood types aren't a match
So if your head cracks open,
Don't get leeches attached"
sounds forced and it made me laugh because it was lame..
the picture stanza was good
bowl of oranges 10
Disco Dragon 8
Dancin' Man 9
07-07-2005, 09:17 AM
again no crits, i'm in an internet cafe in london trying to keep up with the news, there has been a terrorist attack this morning on the trains and busses, public transport is stationary, can't get home.
DFelon204409 - 5
bowl of oranges - 10
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE - 6
Disco Dragon - 7
Necroses-bass - X
RunAmokRampant - 1
bisnotch - 4
Corupt2057 - 9
JaveryAM - 13
addicted_tochaos - 3
puredemocracy - 15
machinegunfunk - 14
Dancin' Man - 8
zer0gauge - 12
Crimsonpunk - 11
SubtleDagger - 2
07-07-2005, 10:23 AM
I dont have time for long crits. I shall keep this short and to the point.
DFelon204409-I thought it was somewhat short but your word choice, expression and subtle rhyming definitely made up for it.
bowl of oranges-I kind of liked the message, but hated the delivery. I thought it was just too vanilla.
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE-I thought I was going to hate how short it was, but **** that was badass. Excellent ending.
Disco Dragon-I think the rhyming took away from what could have been a really beautiful piece.
Necroses-bass-I'm not going to lie, I did not make it through. It was just screaming some sort of religious death metal. No me gusta mucho.
RunAmokRampant-I loved it. If I got the right message from that, then I think you expressed your thoughts perfectly.
bisnotch-Split this f*cking thing into f*cking stanzas. It's godawful.
Corupt2057-Man you had a great thing going until the whole crayola and baskin robbin metaphor. Still, I love the way you rhyme so smoothly.
JaveryAM-The first half sucked, the second half kicked way more ***.
addicted_tochaos-I really don't think it is hard to spell check. It's a useful tool. Other than that, well done, I don't like the repitition of some words but that's just a personal preference.
puredemocracy-I hate my father! ugh! sucky rhymes and horrible message. I'm sick of this whole angsty punk scene. You're all a bunch of gaping vaginas.
machinegunfunk-I hate political songs. It's so overdone. You delivered well and had a nice vocabulary though.
Dancin' Man-I didn't think it made much sense and I didn't like the things in quotes, but maybe it is because I'm not religious. Meh, that's what I think.
zer0gauge-At points, I thought it flowed well and was very catchy, but you took away from it with mediocre rhymes. I thought some of the lines were too short which makes me think you split it into two word lines to make it appear longer.
Crimsonpunk-I don't like it. I don't know why and I don't care.
SubtleDagger-The only thing I didn't like was the last stanza. It sounded like rap and I don't like that. Everything else was pretty much golden. I liked the little one liners in between stanzas.
bowl of oranges-9
07-08-2005, 08:13 AM
DFelon - Yes, it's too short. More importantly, though, I really dislike the rhyming in this piece. It's just... bad. I didn't really expect that.
bowl of oranges - Ugh. "Thug" is not poetic. Don't use words like "thug". It does seemingly get better as it goes on but man, it starts crappy. At least you ditched the storytelling approach.
ITRIEDVOODOO - Sucks. "Waltz in perfect step" sounds like a Norma Jean ripoff. Your structure is horrid. Some lines simply don't make sense because you have no control of language.
Disco Dragon This is really strange. In just about every stanza, I think the first line is just awful, then maybe there's some decent stuff in the next lines, then the last one is mediocre. Odd. Still not that great.
Necroses - I'm not sure what to say. It's just terrible. You basically just paraphrase The Bible (and misspell words), and yet it's even less interesting than The Bible.
RunAmok - The end is lame because you switch tenses for no real reason at all. The rest is lame because the vocabulary is often completely unnecessary or forced, and the imagery is either cliche or uninteresting. I just don't see what people are getting out of this song. It's subpar by your own standards.
bisnotch - It was going well until I got to this:
Men overboard swimming for freedom,
Cause survival has become so scene.
I dropped you a place just for saying "scene". Aside from that it's the best, but still not that good. Sad, really.
Corupt - Your rhymes make me look like this: :'(
Javery - A bunch of lifeless unpoetic statements. Dull.
atc - Second best song. It's decent enough. I gave it first because that other loser said "scene". Man, what a loser.
puredemocracy - Haha, this is exactly like Disco's and bisnotch's combined except way crappier. That's all I can say.
machinegunfunk - Way to write a Metallica song. This has all been said before, and guess what: it doesn't say anything. "Wah government is bad and unjust :'(". The reason that this sucks isn't just that it's a political song, it's because it's the most stereotypical political song I've ever seen.
Dancin' Man - These Revelations songs suck. Stop writing songs about really insipid sections of The Bible. At least this is way more poetic and a tad bit more interesting than Necroses's. Still, come on. These Bible songs are lame.
zer0 - Blows. Rhyming is awful, subject matter isn't good.
Crimsonpunk - You butcher quite a few common expressions here, your grammar blows, and your structure too. You're a viable triple threat. Congrats.
Me - Upset that all the songs sucked.
Ugh. COME ONE YOU GUYS GET WITH IT ALREADY
07-08-2005, 09:19 AM
DFelon204409 - 4
bowl of oranges - 8
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE - 7
Disco Dragon - 5
Necroses-bass - 12
RunAmokRampant - 2
bisnotch - 9
Corupt2057 - 10
JaveryAM - 13
addicted_tochaos - 3
puredemocracy - 15
machinegunfunk - 14
Dancin' Man - 6
zer0gauge - I guess I prolly shouldn't rate myself
Crimsonpunk - 11
SubtleDagger - 1
edit: these may change, I'm still working my way thru it.
07-08-2005, 10:24 AM
since the A-holes I work for are such A-holes and know absolutly everything about everything...lets see what they think about paying me $25/hour to crit lyrics (the f*kers)
verse1- you always find a way to disgust. Reminds me of Goldmember eating his skin. Verse2- slips into lyrical poetry. Yeh we've all read the scheme before so what. "been" does that work? Verse3-the perfect verse. draws such vived imagary with an economy of words. 8/10
bowl of oranges
Not sure about this one. I like it and I dont at the same time. There's parts that are smooth and some that seem like sap. Take "soft beaches" for instance. Good effective writing but at the same time it seems too soft.
It does have a certain savoir vivre to it. Disjointed as it seems. 7
I like the whole romance set up but this came off with such a cavalier, "skipping" approach. I'm not sure...
Very cultish... Now I dont know anything about death metal (as refered to by others) nor the bible so I'll take this at face value. Seems like a soundtrac for a comic book. Which I dont mean in bad way. Some very dark, talented, twisted artist could illustrate this quite handsomely. 5/10
Low end, nibbled, differential. I really liked some of your phrases. In fact I liked everything but the "one feral look"....verse. Not sure why it just seems colorless. You're moving forward mate...even if you have that cheesy Aussie accent ;) 8.5/10
No dont split this into stanza's. Then you'd lose the rant. I admit I liked most of this. "biggie fries". What I disregard was when you went generational. I'm not from you're generation and I'm totally indifferent to any whoas mes. but it did entertain. 7.5/10
I sure enjoyed some of the crits of this. It could be sooo much worse. Thank God it isnt. 5/10
"unable to grasp anything, unable to think anything" I sure dont like this structure and I seem to see it alot. It has no poetic flow at all. This piece really needs some stated insight or dogma to lend it some weight. On the upside, the 4th stanza is quite good. 6/10
Melancholy...is that what it is? I'm not getting the gist here but more of a feeling. Good ending. 7/10
ok a personal salute to a close friend. I can dig it and I've done it(experience challenge #1 jan 02). But these lines are to personal and specific for a general reader with no emotioanl attachment. 4/10
I've read the words of your detractors and wonder at their ferocity. Its not perfect, so what, but I find a certain truth in it. 7/10
I dont care for the whole father-sons bit. Seems too preachy. Relegions a tough one to get right. Keep trying if you must 5.5/10
This has kindofa youthful, unabashed naivete to it. Oh...you're approaching 30. See I would have guessed much younger. Someone wrote pop/rock and I'll agree. See some will slam this but I enjoy a different style in the challenges. 6.9/10
CLANG...the sound of an entry, without the topic word, hitting last place.
"skid mark" raises an image that has nothing to do with tiles. I've notice you frequently use phrases, I wont say Cliche, but well know adages..."A picture's worth a thousand words". As fundamently sound a writer as you are, this one seems ordinary to me. Even the "return to the lanes..." section cant rescue it from the florescent hum drum that is the check out line. 7/10
10th bowl of oranges
4th Disco Dragon
13th Dancin' Man
07-08-2005, 11:14 AM
7th DFelon – I liked the idea of you being the creator of this person and writing it from that vantage point. It’s an interesting setup. However, it lacks an emotional connection that I would expect from someone who has just put all their effort into creating another person. Almost like you lacked emotion while creating this song. If you had toned down the dry language, it might have helped. NOTE: Thanks for clarifying. Bumped ranking a notch.
3rd Bowl of oranges – My first feeling is that you wanted to get the challenge word out of the way, and it shows, because “feral” seems very out of place in the opening line. Getting that qualm out of the way, I actually enjoyed this quite a bit. What I really liked was the contrast in imagery that you have in there. You go from this cold, emotionless setting with the “thug” (ack, bad choice of words) and then to this peaceful, serene, beach setting. It’s a good contrast. Good imagery all around, actually.
10th ITRIEDVOODOOONCE – Don’t really know what to make of this one. I do mildly like the behind closed doors aspect of human nature that you centered this around. But all in all, it was a little too, as you said in your song, mundane in the tone that you took with it. I would have expected, and wanted, something more primal as far as imagery went. But for what it was, you had a good idea and a couple good lines in there too.
14th Necroses-bass – Adapting anything for lyrics is always a tough thing to do, so I would give you points for trying. However, it doesn’t feel so much like an adaptation as it does a synopsis/condensed version of the bible verses. I think that’s mainly due to the language that you used. It sounds like it was written during the time when the actual Bible was written, and that’s no good for a song. I really disliked the last (I guess you could call it) stanza. Again, not good for a song.
2nd RunAmokRampant – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a song about the KKK on here before. Interesting though. There were a lot of good stand-alone lines in here that also helped the piece as a whole. “Reciting what they think” and the following line…those are genius. It started off kind of slow, but it gradually picked up to be quite a solid piece.
1st Bisnotch – Honestly, that is one of the better songs I have ever read in these challenges. I was not expecting that from the title. Wow, you really need to change that title. It was definitely a rant, but it was such a well-worded and thought out rant that it’s tough to say anything bad about it. I could tell it was truthful, and it was from the heart, which is somewhat of a rarity. My only qualm is that some parts ran on a bit too much, and repeated ideas that you had used previously, only with different wording.
9th Corupt – Man, oh man, this started off pretty terribly. The 1st and 2nd stanzas made me cringe in their mediocrity. It picks up a little bit after that, and you actually get something pretty decent going towards the end. Actually, the end is about the only thing I thoroughly enjoyed. Nice little twist. Other than that, it was a decidedly average song about a girl.
13th JaveryAM – This one seems to go nowhere for the general portion of the song. It’s about sloth, but that’s really about as far as it gets. So I could have gotten everything I needed from the title, and not even read the actual song. I guess there is an undertone of rising against the system, but it’s not prevalent enough to sustain the song. Some decent lines thrown in here and there, but nothing that sticks out.
6th addicted_tochaos - Now that I get the idea behind this for the most part, it helps a little. But just a little. I still think throwing 'cos' in there is a lazy way to try and keep the flow of the lines going together. Anyways, I think you had a neat idea with the movie thing, but it didn’t really hold my interest. A little too bland. Thanks for clarifying the "accidental savior" thing too.
11th puredemocracy - I can see that this holds a lot of emotional attachment for you, and because of that I’ll try not to be too harsh. The rhyming is a little lackluster in most parts, and overly simple. Actually, that pretty much sums up the whole song. Not necessarily a bad thing, because of the context. But if this was intended to only be a personal song for yourself and not meant for anyone else to read, it would be one thing, but because you entered it into the challenge, I think you need to broaden it. The word choice was a little too much like “Hey, do you remember the time we…?” Again, overly simple.
5th machinegunfunk - I have mixed feelings over this entire thing. On one hand, it seems preachy and too literal. But on the other, I see some truth in what is being said, so that almost overrides the previous qualms I had. Almost. I think the “double chin” and “bloated stomach” lines are incredibly fitting. Some are a little bit more obscure. I really liked the last 3 lines. It’s one of the few instances where repetition has made an impact on the overall song, rather than detract from it. Still, it would have been better had it not come off as preachy.
4th Dancin' Man - Good job crossing this over. Done much better than the other religious song I read. I liked the short stanzas, because it made it feel more like a conversation, but not so much that it took away from it being a song. The repetition of “Oh poor sons” was also a nice touch. I didn’t like the repetition at the end though. But I guess it did sum it up all right.
12th zer0gauge - This is a pretty general “breaking free” song, without much depth. Simple, overused rhymes, with very little substance. I see a lot of anti-establishment trying to work itself through in your chorus, but it just doesn’t connect with me that well. Try expressing your angst/dissidence in more creative ways.
-- Crimsonpunk - I didn't see the challenge word anywhere in here. Oh well, your song wasn't very good anyways.
8th SubtleDagger - The first thing I noticed is that you actually had intentional rhymes in your song. I think now maybe I see your point when you tell me that rhyming takes away from my songs, because that’s exactly what happened here, unfortunately. Especially in the last stanza. Ack. The rest wasn’t too bad, but that part really seems forced. I do like the imagery you give with the “picture’s worth a thousand words” lines. Even though that is a tiresome expression, which this piece seems to be dripping with. The “writing a letter for a song” idea is also way overused around here. Oh well, still an alright song.
07-09-2005, 09:02 AM
bowl of oranges-8
07-09-2005, 10:26 AM
DFelon204409 - 2
bowl of oranges - 8
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE - 7
Disco Dragon - 4
Necroses-bass - 9
RunAmokRampant - 1
bisnotch - 3
Corupt2057 - 10
JaveryAM - 13
addicted_tochaos - 5
Dancin' Man - 11
Crimsonpunk - 15
SubtleDagger - 6
bowl of oranges
07-09-2005, 11:11 AM
Just to clear one thing up, the only reason i used the word thug is because the girl i wrote it for wanted me to use that word, i didn't like it but meh. Just tried to make the best out of it.
DFelon204409 - 1
bowl of oranges - x
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE - 4
Disco Dragon - 5
Necroses-bass - 10
RunAmokRampant - 3
bisnotch - 8
Corupt2057 - 11
JaveryAM - 12
addicted_tochaos - 6
puredemocracy - 14
machinegunfunk - 7
Dancin' Man - 9
zer0gauge - 13
Crimsonpunk - 15
SubtleDagger - 2
07-10-2005, 04:25 AM
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