take it all

[Foursticks]

verse
take what you want
ill give with no restraint
take what i have and put it aside
if you had it all
how would you feel
would there be
a smile to steal

chorus
take it all
and add it up
what does it equal?

verse
if you cant get it now
or anytime soon
how would you feel?(x2)

chorus

bridge
if life was free
and everything involved
would it mean the same
to have it all?

any feedback appreciated..thanks

[heavilymixedx666]

You have some great lines but you could do a lot better. i love the bridge i dont really like the chorus unless you could make it a heavy song other wise it might sound like a cheer (no offence). I love the first verse.. just try to sing it see what flows if it has rythem and make changes. 7/10

[Foursticks]

hah youre right it does sound like a cheer...thanks for the crit

[SixStringKing]

good start here, think deeper add more.. change some of the lines in this piece such as


f you had it all
how would you feel


ew sounds too cliche for my liking..
6/10
feel free to crit mine

[Mr.Plague]

I think it's a bit boring

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

nah it has promise...
but it flows like a rap song or a cheer...
the chorus def needs work done...

as for the verses,
the flow correctly but i don't think you'd want em to flow that way if your intending to sing

the syllables are extremely short, which is why it doesn't flow like a song

but it def has some promise
you got some really great lines
i suggest take them, throw out the rest
and work with what you have
cause eventually you'll develop more great lines
and eventually you'll have a great song!
but good job

[Foursticks]

thanks guys...ill work some more on this and repost

[Vertical PTX]

it was cool

but i think you need a little more work on the chorus

[Foursticks]

yeah i do need work on the chorus...i couldnt really think of a good one but i just wanted one to post and it was that