lusting for sally

[I-cant-sing]

the cold wind blew through my room
the dark clouds gathered over our town
but we all new what she was coming for
oh i just want to get laid some more

but sally, you know that
i need your loving
and sally, you know that
your the one...............for me

the icey wind that blew that day
i knew you were not going to stay
you have left me once before
flying the flag for all you whores

but sally, you know that
i need your loving
and sally, you know that
your the one...............for me

what do you guys think. :thumb:

[TheOpeningAct101]

its alright if your tryin to be punk. i mean its kinda childish and feeds the horny teenager steryotype. and i think u can find a better way to say whores and the getting laid line. use your noodle and come up something tha dosent sound like a 12 year old emo kid wrote it. i will look for your revision

plz take a look at mine

[I-cant-sing]

it is a punk song

[TheOpeningAct101]

"no title (critq for critq"
thats the title of my song

sorry

[I-cant-sing]

done

[I-cant-sing]

cmon crit me

[Manson0101]

whats the delivery you're using? are you going to cut the lines in the verses up? or is the song fast enough that your gonna be able to spit each line out in time?

[SixStringKing]

i really dont like it.. its too shallow..would make a great punk song though (i hate punk) yeah, good job with the punkness haha

[Mr.Plague]

I think it's a bit cheesy, and you could've used plenty more words instead of whore

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

christ...
this is so cheesy and infantile...
if its punk, i know its suppose to be blunt and upfront
but ****...
c'mon
you can do better than that

[I-cant-sing]

whats the delivery you're using? are you going to cut the lines in the verses up? or is the song fast enough that your gonna be able to spit each line out in time?
it will be very fast, its just meant to be a 4 chord punk song.