no title (critq for critq)

[TheOpeningAct101]

i took 2 songs of mine and kinda put them into 1. tell me what ya think


No Title Yet

We lived on the front page of a beautiful day
And in the back of your van
We would sing these days away
But it all comes down
To were we are now
And can you see
The words that I say

Just another day to let these dreams find their way
And now we’re out of this sleep
The last moonrise far behind
Unfurl those yawning olive eyes

Over people well never meet
We would fly
And the starlight would clear the night
I never forgot
So why try and remember

From the outside of a window
I see you
Lucid and unscathed
But as I near
The portal is dark and obscure
And you are not who you were

Now bear with me
And don’t think that I don’t care,
Because I never stop thinking of what could have been.
And the sun will rise to a new day,
But you know it will never change.

It stays the same
From day to day

It will never
Change

The morning tears shine
Just another day to let these dreams find their way
And now we’re out of this sleep
The last moonrise left far behind



drop me a link or the title and i will check all of your works out. :thumb:

[I-cant-sing]

i like it, just dont know what kind of music you put to it. It seems to me that it would be a mellow slow song am i right?

[TheOpeningAct101]

you are right. its very mellow acoutc folk music

[TheOpeningAct101]

but why did you like it

[I-cant-sing]

I like the fact there is not a shortage of differant topics that you represent in the song. But i also like how you are taking the listener on a journey, your journey.

[TheOpeningAct101]

bumpy

[apocalypseNOW]

awesome imagery. a g'd song. i wanna hear it with the music. it could work as a poem though. but i gotta hear it! and yes its feels adventurous. g'd work man


http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=354785

aaand

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=354823

i scratch your back, you scratch/stab mine? :D
ill take either the scratch or stab
which ever one you feel i need

[Manson0101]

i like it overall. I'd love to hear it with the music (that's somethign that can make or break anyone's good lyrics). the flying metaphors always make me cringe for some reason, but i do like how u used it here. props.

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

if this was just a bit weirder i'd suggest give it a slow Floydian sound
but since this is like a ballad
i dunno im thinking
(god help me)
Springstein...
or John cafferty band

this would be nice in like a rock ensamble type of orchestra

as for the actual writing i think its well put together
constructed very well
except for a few minor lines...
this is a pretty **** good
i'd give it 9/10

[TheOpeningAct101]

thx, but what lines r u talking about

[SixStringKing]

I really like the first and last stanzas, as a song this could be really good because it flows quite nicely and i like that

From the outside of a window
I see you
Lucid and unscathed

That is probably my favorite section, It seems so dark and yet so beautiful at the same time. Lucid and unscathed seem like such dark words..but you dont use them that way
nice job

[bowl of oranges]

We lived on the front page of a beautiful day
And in the back of your van
We would sing these days away
But it all comes down
To were we are now
And can you see
The words that I say
This is pretty nice stuff, nothing too complecated or deep, just nicely flowing. The last line doesn't seem to fit for me much, not quite sure why, just seems a little out of place.

Just another day to let these dreams find their way
And now we’re out of this sleep
The last moonrise far behind
Unfurl those yawning olive eyes
I remember critiquing the song with the last line of this stanza, it's not a line you could really forget, anyway i said it then and i'll say it now, it's really very good, i like it. The whole stanza is pretty good infact. no complaints.

Over people well never meet
We would fly
And the starlight would clear the night
I never forgot
So why try and remember
This is ok, nothing special here, but it fits with the rest i guess, it flows nicely so it's not something you should get rid of.

From the outside of a window
I see you
Lucid and unscathed
But as I near
The portal is dark and obscure
And you are not who you were
Didn't like the line in bold, the rest is ok, similar to the previous stanza, whilst the short lined stanzas flow ok, they lack depth and are nowhere as near as vivid.

Now bear with me
And don’t think that I don’t care,
Because I never stop thinking of what could have been.
And the sun will rise to a new day,
But you know it will never change.
This stanza's a little better, i'm getting quite a bright eyes feel from this stanza. It's not bad, but not amazing.

It stays the same
From day to day

It will never
Change
Again the shorter stuff doesn't work as well for you in my opinion.

The morning tears shine
Just another day to let these dreams find their way
And now we’re out of this sleep
The last moonrise left far behind
A nice ending, but nothing spectacular to make you hold the thought for longer than you read it, you should try to end it on something thought provoking or even something that will instill the essence of the poem in your reader.

Overall - This doesn't seem like a combination of two poems, it's fairly consistent throughout, the shorter lined stanzas carry the flow well but lack the creativity and imagination of the longer line stanzas. Not alot to complain about but not alot to shout about either. I do like it though.

6.5/10

Thankyou for your critique, one piece of advice, if you want in depth critiques, give out in depth critiques. I pefer them and i'm sure most other people do too, it doesn't take that long to go through each stanza afterall.

[TojesDolan]

I'm not good at stanza-by-stanza crits, But I'll learn someday to do them better. :)

We lived on the front page of a beautiful day
And in the back of your van
We would sing these days away
But it all comes down
To were we are now
And can you see
The words that I say

I liked this one, except for the final part, where I felt it kinda unbalanced. It just doesn't seem to fit in the rest of the song, I think.

Just another day to let these dreams find their way
And now we’re out of this sleep
The last moonrise far behind
Unfurl those yawning olive eyes
I liked this one, it flows better and overall it's eye catching.

Over people well never meet
We would fly
And the starlight would clear the night
I never forgot
So why try and remember

Again, the last line seems out of order. I like the verse and all, the las line just seems out of place.

The rest (I'm sorry for not copying) Is great, It flows better, and is well written. I liked the thing overall, but it needs a few checks here and there, especially the final lines, they must be, in my opinion, a little bit more concrete and closing an idea, but that's just me. Keep on the good work.

[Lebowski]

i took 2 songs of mine and kinda put them into 1. tell me what ya think


No Title Yet

We lived on the front page of a beautiful day
And in the back of your van
We would sing these days away
But it all comes down
To were we are now
And can you see
The words that I say

I'm not overly excited about this. When I read the first line I thought you were setting me up for imagery describing this beautiful day, but you didn't. I didn't like the last few lines. Maybe a rewrite is in order.

Just another day to let these dreams find their way
And now we’re out of this sleep
The last moonrise far behind
Unfurl those yawning olive eyes

Ok, the flow is good. Quite simple, yet effective.

Over people well never meet
We would fly
And the starlight would clear the night
I never forgot
So why try and remember

I really thought the first line was cleverly written, but like the first stanza this gets worse as it goes on.

From the outside of a window
I see you
Lucid and unscathed
But as I near
The portal is dark and obscure
And you are not who you were

Ok.

Now bear with me
And don’t think that I don’t care,
Because I never stop thinking of what could have been.
And the sun will rise to a new day,
But you know it will never change.

Strongest stanza thus far, but unfortunately that's not saying much.

It stays the same
From day to day

It will never
Change

The morning tears shine
Just another day to let these dreams find their way
And now we’re out of this sleep
The last moonrise left far behind



drop me a link or the title and i will check all of your works out. :thumb:

This wasn't my cup of tea. I don't know the point that some of your ideas were trying to make, and that really set me off a bit. I can tell you put a bit of time into this but I still think that for this song to read well it needs a rewrite.

I don't have a song of mine for you to crit yet, considering that there is a rule that you can't post a new topic before you've been registered for a full 24 hours. But in about a day or so, I'm going to be posting a piece called The Moon Isn't Made of Cheese Anymore. If you could rip that apart, I'd be very grateful.

[buck90]

its a poem. much more than a song. I like the pattern. A little bright and i can't picture the music. But not bad. 6.5/10