Called In Sick With Envy

[apocalypseNOW]

a shorter poem i wrote. crits are appreciated.

Your deep blue eyes they Light up with green
As you lust for contentment
The silk and pollyester will make you happy
For the next few minutes

And all the factories in the world
produce that which "satisfies" you
But you want the world to be happy

Take every drop of water for granted
And spike it with alcohol
Bathe yourself in the wine glass
And drink up

Thinking of not one other
Envy is a disease
And medication is available
But feeding the disease feels so good
Until the disesease is full, you'll feel too comfortable

[TheOpeningAct101]

your wwriting is way to blunt. put some more meaning into your meatphore,

[apocalypseNOW]

well this one was supposed to be a little bit more blunt then what i usually write. but thanks for the feedback man. anyone else?

[apocalypseNOW]

bump

[fretman454]

i didn't really like this one. it was kinda boring try usings different metaphors

[apocalypseNOW]

thanks guys. anymore?

[TojesDolan]

I will. thanks for the crit. :)

The silk and pollyester will make you happy
For the next few minutes


That line in the first stanza is a little... unbalanced. Try to say it in other words. use adjectives instead of nouns, for instance: happiness=happy. that might help metric.

And all the factories in the world
produce that which "satisfies" you
But you want the world to be happy
That's much better. But give it a conclusion, Why does she want happiness to the world? That'd help achieve a more powerful content.

Take every drop of water for granted
And spike it with alcohol
Bathe yourself in the wine glass
And drink up

Not so sure about this one. It's good, but it seems to be unfitting. Again, try to spice up a little the words.

Thinking of not one other
Envy is a disease
And medication is available
But feeding the disease feels so good
Until the disesease is full, you'll feel too comfortable

The best verse. But you should have focused the song more on the subject, and not fooling around so much.

A little polish here and there, would make this song much better. good theme, but the final execution isn't that good. But I like it, give it more words here and there. 5/10

[SixStringKing]

really...this was not good,

i feel you attempted some decent metaphors such as "deep blue eyes light up with green" green symbolizing envy...but you went about it all wrong.
take some time and rethink the metaphors in this piece for a while.
...hope to see it refurbished later.

in the meantime feel free to crit mine http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=355980

and i figuire if i plug this enough people may actually give a ****