Hey it's thirdeye/ Believe

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Hi, all. I missed you all and sorry it's been so long. I kinda want to know what I missed. Were there any dumba$$s aboard? Who are all the noobs? Do we have a new great writer? Fill me in. But since I dont want to just make this a meaningless thread here's a little poem I've been working on. Tell me what you think.

Believe

I believe that things could get better,
But I doubt they honestly will,
I believe we can see into the horizon,
But the view is blocked by a shadow drawn hill,
I believe that I could listen,
But your tone of voice is on mute,
I believe that these siloettes can keep eachoter,
While dancing in the light of the moon.
Two weeks ago I was told not to stare into the sun,
I never listen to advice so then my eyes were robbed,
One week ago I was told to not listen to the grapevine,
I never listen so I got my ears chopped off,
I believe that things could get better,
But I doubt they honestly will,
But without my eyes to guide me or my ears to hear,
I can do nothing but dance on top of the hill imagining you my dear.

So tell me what you think. Thanks.
Thirdeyeblindislit :thumb:

[apocalypseNOW]

sounds liek it could be a cool song. and its a g'd poem.

One week ago I was told to not listen to the grapevine,
I never listen so I got my ears chopped off,

yah i thought that didnt work togethere. it was a g'd. but didnt flow. i lieked the vibe i got from it. it was awesome man. g'd job

[TheOpeningAct101]

your choice of words isn't very mature for the point your trying to get across
it's really cliche i mean come on, "believe"
how many poems/songs are called that?
be more creative. be more powerful. make me say... holy moly

[TheOpeningAct101]

take a look at
"No Title (critq for critq)"
plz and thank u

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Will do and remember this is a crit for a crit
:thumb:

[Rushki Smushki]

Sup' Thirdeye...

I dont really have much to say on this, its a nice poem - this is the way I'm seeing it. But a few quick things I'll point out:

"But I doubt they honestly will,"

Um...shouldn't it be "But I HONESTLY doubt they will" :confused: Or are you being all deep n' shiiiiit, maaaaaann...again? :p

Either way, I understand the point thats coming across.

And I didn't like that ear chopping sentence. The 'eyes' section before was nice, but the whole "chopping" idea was a little harsh and unexpecting - and if that was the point, I didn't really like the way you went about it.

And the last:

"I can do nothing but dance on top of the hill imagining you my dear."

I'd say its got too many words, and if you took "on the top of the hill" and replaced it with a shortened "hilltops" it wouldn't be so long. Because its only one sentence, and you've got a bit two much too fit into that space.

"I can do nothing but dance on hilltops, imagining you - my dear."

Righto, overall and etc. Very Nice, I really liked it. Hope anything I mentioned helps...Thanks for the read.

:thumb:

[Trim vs. the System]

i quite like it. i'm not sure whether it's by accident or on purpose that the rhythm scheme evolves with progressive amounts of syllables but i like that part all the same! :thumb:

i also agree with OpeningAct that it ain't the most original thing ever but hey, not eveything everyone writes is meant to change the face of literature! :thumb:

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Thanks all, I'll be sure to get to your stuff soon. :thumb:

[IOWNU200]

Hey man, good to have you back. It's not as good around here without you :smile:

I believe that things could get better,
But I doubt they honestly will,
I believe we can see into the horizon,
But the view is blocked by a shadow drawn hill,

This is alright, nothing spectacular, but I'd maybe take a few syllables out of the last line for flow reasons

I believe that I could listen,
But your tone of voice is on mute,
I believe that these siloettes can keep eachoter,
While dancing in the light of the moon.

the second line seems awkwardly written and incorrectly used. Try fooling with it so it feels natural. I like the siloette line, but it needs to be reworded, i can see you were fighting with the flow a little bit there.

Two weeks ago I was told not to stare into the sun,
I never listen to advice so then my eyes were robbed,
One week ago I was told to not listen to the grapevine,
I never listen so I got my ears chopped off,

eh, i like your idea, but you didn't really execute it very well. You don't want to use "eyes were robbed" seems strange, same with "ears chopped off" sounds a little immature and very unpoetic.

I believe that things could get better,
But I doubt they honestly will,
But without my eyes to guide me or my ears to hear,
I can do nothing but dance on top of the hill imagining you my dear.

I like the repeat of the first line here, good reference. I love the last two lines, but there seems to be flow problems, clean it up.

There's some potential, but you need to clean this piece up some, so it can be seen at its full potential.

Here's one of my recent ones to check out:

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=350653

Thanks in advance, and by the way, how long will you be staying this time?

[IOWNU200]

more people should read this, and thirdeye should come back :thumb: