Need name for this song (also crit 4 crit)

[Snak3]

here it goes:

intro

Fave you ever felt like a basket case?
Living life in total disgrace
Can you see that raven with the sorrowful lace?
Flying above us at a very slow pace?

Verse1

Love is a deadly weapon
when you're in love, it causes plaesure
when you feel unloved, it causes depression
Can you feel our lack of elation?

Chorus

At day or at night
I keeep losing this fight
am I wrong or am I right
Do you believe in love at first sight?

Verse 2

I've wasted many hours trying to understand
why can't we just be holding hands?
Is love that painful?
Does it leave us so regretful?

Chorus

At day or at night
I keeep losing this fight
am I wrong or am I right
Do you believe in love at first sight?

Verse3

You've done this to me so many times
for you i've wasted my best rhymes
Now i write you my final line
Is loving you my best crime?

Chorus

At day or at night
I keeep losing this fight
am I wrong or am I right
Do you believe in love at first sight?

Outro

Now you understand how i feel
Now you know that my feelings are real
This time it took you one bullet to kill
My hopes
My whishes
My soul
and You
--------------------
there ya go, i hope you enjoyed it, im still looking for a name. Iwould like to get opinions on how to improve my songwriting, cause i need to write songs for my band. thnx for your time! :).

[spnj]

Hmm... interesting... this ... this is quite bad.




As for the reason.. you'd probably like me to elaborate I'm sure:

Intro= barely connects to the rest of the song, I really have no clue what the songs going to be about once im done reading this and even within the intro your frist two lines dont fit with the last two. How does a slow flying raven have ANYTHING t odo with this song?

Verse1 = besides the fact that the rhymes are poor and your flow in the third line is off, its just sounds like it was written by a child. And another note. the last line... try that one again. dont try and fake it... we all know you just were looking for another line to rhyme with that whole depression weapon thing. dont force rhymes!!!!!

Chorus= *Shudder* same problem as the verses. So basic and disjointed. Makes me think you just wrote whatever rhymed not what you wanted to say. Im not seeing any emotion here at all and the cheesy cliche lines just aren't working.

im not even going to bother with rest.. you see where im going. overall this is piddle.

to improve I suggest not worrying so much about what rhymes and what you are used to hearing in dumb punk-pop songs and write what you actually feel.

J

[JaveryAM]

"Verse3

You've done this to me so many times
for you i've wasted my best rhymes
Now i write you my final line
Is loving you my best crime?"

I hope those werent your best rhymes.

Besides that, i agree with spnj, to a less harsh degree. The lyrics seemed childish, like a punk-pop song, and the rhyme scheme was forced... in order to improve the piece, i suggest that you keep some of the figures, and basically reword everything so it's less forced.

[Snak3]

thnx for the comments
will try to improve everything you guys told me to

[KissMeIamSh*tFaced]

The rhymes dicatate your direction, they are forced to the point of changing the sense of the song, keep working man

[White_Orchid]

i think you should call this song uncertain heart or something like that but it is very catchy i like it alot good job man

[Solar]

Switch the rhymes so it sounds less like a Dr Suess story.

5/10

mine (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=364395)

[Biancazzurri]

spnj or whatever
if you don't bother to read the whole song, then let us not see your critics or how you call it.

the song
first verse really dull and the intro isn't connected to the rest - its true. the rhymes in the intro are stupid and childish aswell.
but the chord is okay it has the flow and the point though i think i heard this somewhere.
the second and third verses are better also but i woul change the best crime thing, what's the connection between the crime and the song??

outro... sounds like the whole song you talked to her but it isn't that. i dont like it
its too strong and too staightforward the ending should be soft.


crit mine :
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=365412

[Cobainism]

Outro

Now you understand how i feel
Now you know that my feelings are real
This time it took you one bullet to kill
My hopes
My whishes
My soul
and You


i liked those last lines
however try not to rhyme every single lin (my opinion) it gets annoying.
also work on some lines to improve the song, for example
'Chorus
At day or at night
I keeep losing this fight
am I wrong or am I right
Do you believe in love at first sight?'

i dont understand what the fight is...?


my song is under 'first rock song' please crit....

[Cobainism]

Outro

Now you understand how i feel
Now you know that my feelings are real
This time it took you one bullet to kill
My hopes
My whishes
My soul
and You


i liked those last lines
however try not to rhyme every single lin (my opinion) it gets annoying.
also work on some lines to improve the song, for example
'Chorus
At day or at night
I keeep losing this fight
am I wrong or am I right
Do you believe in love at first sight?'

i dont understand what the fight is...?
good ideas though get the title from what the song is about

my song is under 'first rock song' please crit....

[EmoMagnum]

spnj or whatever
if you don't bother to read the whole song, then let us not see your critics or how you call it.


Im pretty sure what spnj meant is that he wasnt going to write up his thoughts on the rest of the song, as he probably felt the rest of it was as bad as the first parts he did review.

Im agreeing with the intro being extremely out of place, just like everyone else said. The verses are really, really weak but they do seem to connect to a central idea. It could be better if you beef them up some more, lyrically that is, and maybe add a little more to them.

The outro, it fits but doesnt. Youre talking about her seeing that you love her, but to me it feels forced because there wasnt really anything in the song where you show her how you feel. Most of the song looked like you were just telling her how bad things were between you, and not how much you loved her.

Thats about all I have to say. if you want to critique mine, then look here===> My Song (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=365804)