Not Convinced (crit-for-crit)

[Leaves]

I know it looks a bit dense, but it's a fairly easy read. Basically it's a three-part song, each part being a separate entity but following a common theme. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Not Convinced

I see a boy that starts me fighting back tears like a slap in the face.
He moves his hands with purpose, but he never finds the place.
And the woman stabs the page as he stares off into space.
I sympathize the loneliness, and I gotta leave this place.

But is it any more sad than the potential all around him wasting away?
Is never having a chance any worse than watching your chances fade?
As he's crawling through his life while they're all marching to their graves.
I'm not convinced. I am not convinced.

I feel the palpable shards of love bursting from a woman.
She held on to it for so long her heart split open.
And now she's picking up the pieces so no one can see it's broken.
And what she says next are the words I never wanted spoken.

But is it any more sad than all the love around her given away?
Are broken hearts and countless starts any better than love going to waste?
Is it worse when you can't get nothing, or when you can't get nothing to stay?
I'm not convinced. I am not convinced.

There was a man who released a scream and set the world aflame.
He felt a storm inside of him and we all felt the same.
And he shocked the nation's TV screens when he succumbed to the pain.
I remember 1994 on the date of April 8th.

But is it any more sad than the ones who die but never meet their fate?
Would the world have stopped caring if he lived to twenty-eight?
And is it better to burn out than to fade away?
I'm not convinced. I am not convinced.

Thanks for reading. Crit me and I'll crit you back.

[rudie]

i like the imagery alot, very dark. But i think you needed to shorten the lines as it could be hard to follow if it was performed at a gig etc.

And is it better to burn out than to fade away?
isn't that from another song? it sound very famailar

[Leaves]

i like the imagery alot, very dark. But i think you needed to shorten the lines as it could be hard to follow if it was performed at a gig etc.


isn't that from another song? it sound very famailar
Yes, it's from Neil Young's "My My, Hey Hey". It was also one of the last things quoted by the man in part 3 of my song.

[Snak3]

nice song, i liked it alot.
the last line reminded me of kurt cobain :)

[JaveryAM]

Bad: you repeated place as the ending rhyme for line 2 and four...
I dont know if it was purposed to maintain a rhyme scheme, but each verse held a rhyme scheme at the beginning, but lost hold of that towards the remainder of the sentence...

Good: It was well-written, and used good imagery, and held the topic well. it didnt sidetrack into a different story, or lose its interest near the end.

Rating: 7.5/10
I would give it an eight, but i felt like using a decimal in there...

[TojesDolan]

isn't that from another song? it sound very famailar

Also notice the resemblances to Nirvana in the song. That one is the most famous phrases by Kurt Cobain.

Back to the song, as you say there are three stories to it: the kid, the female, and of course, Kurt Cobain. It's great that you want to show your respect and love for a certain artist in your songs, just try not to mix it with other songs, like you just did, because you'll easilly draw attention to that particular moment of the song, and not the substance and essence of the song itself, losing most of its original power, OK?

Now, back to the songwriting itself, its good, no need for a thesaurus to write your lyric, but good use of synonyms and more elaborate words and phrases. As it was said before, the line are too long, so you might want to break every line into smaller ones, because it will make it easier to read, and easier to comprehend, as well as more "singable".

But nice work up there. 7/10.

[spnj]

Overall not bad, I think what was needed to be said has been already. A particular facorite part of mine is the repitition of the I am not convinced line. Reminds me vaguely of something by counting crows but is still not to similar. Ill give you a 7 like most oothers. Keep it up

[Leaves]

Thanks for the crits everyone. JaveryAM, thanks for pointing out that I use "place" twice in the first verse. I honestly didn't notice it before. Gosh darnit!

As for rhyming losing shape, these are loose rhymes (i.e. Bright Eyes), and seem to be just fine when sung.

As for the lines being too long, it's already a song, so singability is not an issue. I suppose I could have broken each line in half, but musically it's fine. I appreciate your concern though!

FYI, I do crit back. http://treefrogband.com/smileys/eyebrow.gif

[machinegunfunk]

I like the song a lot. I just think you need to work on the first verse. It seems out of place, and the meter is off, and also the rhyming seems a bit too forced. I mean the rest of the song is great so I just think that the first verse needs to be improved/changed or even taken out.

[fretman454]

i like the dark imagerey you used in the song. i like the songs that ryhme alot suck but this one flows nice

[flywithdiamonds]

Well you've got no problem with the wording, it's only the structure that I had a problem with. It didn't come off as being unstructured by a long shot but the way some lines fell into each other just didn't seem right. It seems it would be about Kurt Cobain and it definately is a good read, I'd just look at ways to stop every line coming to a full stop and you'll be well on your way :)