'unladen swallow' First ever song (plz be gently)

[rudie]

ok, this is my first song, the music is very stop start stop. in the verses its a bar of music then a line of the song and music again. so thats why some of the words are streched out.
ok tell me what you think?

unladen swallow
waiting for the angels
there tataking
concontrol
twisting the trees
showing me the sky
for the 1st time
riffs betwen friends
watching the sun set
for the secong to last time
caamp fire

Chorus-
fuelled by aersol cos angels are a colour that god doesn't know
they try and they try but it's just to good
they try and they try but it's just to good
friends turning white
doesn't matter to me

Alcohol abreeze after these cos
they try and they try but it's just to good
they try and they try but it's just to good
faith is a colour that is new to me
faith is a colour that is new to me

any adivce, comments etc welcome

[usedgreenromance]

sry i odnt like it that well but youve got really great potential. i cant say much more b/c i have to go but its pretty good for ur first

[Kage]

A few lines really struck me and I liked them, but there are too many lines that stunt the development of it.

I liked the first half of the first verse quite a bit, but the second half didn't flow as well and didn't contribute to the mood from the first part. Also, the chorus I don't like much, except the line "Fuelled by aeresol cos angels are a color that god doesn't know." If you re-worked a few things and keep the parts that really work, you'd have something really good.