Falling In Love? (crit4crit)

[Trim vs. the System]

another prosy poem with no particular rhyme scheme. cheers.


Why do we say one falls in love?
There is a dizzying sensation,
A lack of control,
A surrender to a force greater than any of us.

We feel or bodies more deeply than normal.
We feel the pull of another type of gravity
Toward another being.
It's exilirating.

Our senses come awake.
Perhaps we're more alive than in other moments.
For a moment we as though we're flying.
And there's risk.

The risk of not being caught.
The risk of landing hard and being injured.
We know that there's a bottom beneath this fall,
And that in the end gravity will have its way with us.

Still, we surrender.
We trust.
We commit our equilibrium to the connection with another.

Sometimes we crash spectacularly.
It's painful but we go on.
We pick ourselves up and continue.

We find ourselves on our own two feet again.
Other times the fall ends and we barely notice it.
We just begin to feel the weight of our bodies
And we know the falling is over.

The likeness is gone.
We're once again creatures of the Earth.
Fallen, our love must find a new way.
For now.

[JaveryAM]

I thought it was pretty good.. it did have a lot of prose-eyness to it..
"Sometimes we crash spectacularly.
It's painful but we go on.
We pick ourselves up and continue."
Thats my favorite verse right there

[rudie]

i liked the way you said love was like flying etc.
but here a suggestion (take 'em or leave im no expert)

We know that there's a bottom beneath this fall,
i think a 'end to this fall' would sound better, as bottom sounds abit clumsy

[Trim vs. the System]

ta. any more?

[do_dear_do_kill_me_do]

I like the way it kind of flows from verse to verse (must copy)

For a moment we as though we're flying.
And there's risk.

The risk of not being caught.
The risk of landing hard and being injured.


There, one example which struck
I like the way it sounds like a lesson or lecture on the topic

Definitely a poem, I guess with things like this you don't need a rhyme scheme

It's painful but we go on.
We pick ourselves up and continue.

We find ourselves on our own two feet again.
Other times the fall ends and we barely notice it.

Another good example of a nice flow. Sorry, I´'m just really fascinated by your flowing thing..

We just begin to feel the weight of our bodies
And we know the falling is over.
Like the way your describing the end of the fall

The likeness is gone.
We're once again creatures of the Earth.
Fallen, our love must find a new way.
For now.
This bit isn't really connected to the rest of the piece. On one hand you could say it brings a bit of a change to the whole thing, one the other you could say that it doesn't really fit in too well and ruins the song... I don't know, do what you want to do bout that.

Thanks for the crit on mine,
you're english?

[SubtleDagger]

I think this would be good as a concept piece for some reason. It has a Pink Floyd "The Wall" feel to it, though I'm probably just saying that since it's all I've been listening to lately. As poetry, it falls a bit flat.

[White_Orchid]

good job i liked it 7/10 let me know if you have another

[Solar]

As a song I think you could do something with it, but as a poem it kind of goes nowhere and just sounds like youv'e taken a bunch of ideas and thrown them in together.

Lyrics: 7/10
Poem: 5/10

mine (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=364395)