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View Full Version : No working title, but please read (if you want)


BlondeOverBlonde
06-18-2005, 10:40 PM
Hey, I'm not sure what to do with this, but here you go, tear it apart, praise it, feed it to your choice pet. If you want, I'll give my thoughts on your pieces in return. Gracias.

Sitting all alone, comforted only by a glass of cheap booze
He stares down the bar at the other people with nothing to lose
Each person different, but pulled together by loneliness
Each longing for something to hold on to
But in the end, all they hold is a glass

Looking up, something catches his eye from his seat
Through the pane of dirty glass he can see the moonlight hit the street
Emblazoning that road with hopes of a rekindled fire
His feet are so tired
But he’s tired of being alone

He remembered something his mother had told him
A long time ago
“Lonesome days lead to lonesome nights, sorrow leads to pain.
Life is a miserable thing; that no God can explain”

He passes the doors, of people disappointed with their lives
Each one gets increasingly wider, husbands with mechanical wives
People sitting alone, washing away their blues on late night TV
Scratching their bellies,
Yet never fulfilling that itch

A wayward star steals his gaze from the ground
He looks up to the heavens, the universe’s biggest lost and found
Trying to find something up there worth believing in
He’s searching for something inward
But he’s letting it outside

And He remembered that thing his mother had told him
A long time ago
“Lonesome days lead to lonesome nights, sorrow leads to pain.
Life is a miserable thing; that no God can explain”

apocalypseNOW
06-18-2005, 10:50 PM
i lieked this one. with a little work it could be reeaaaaaly g'd. i lieked the tone and message. g'd job. although some parts seem forced and cliched. over all - g'd work

Know_Your_Onion!
06-18-2005, 10:53 PM
I like the sentiments in the song, especially in the chorus, though I have a complaint or too. I think you need to stay consistent with the rhyming structure firstly, but foremost, you need to watch the syllable count I think.

Some good (if straightforward) imagery and storytelling though. I'd say...5.5/10. Not the worst thing ever made, but it has some areas to improve in.

And feel to free to critique mine, if'n you wish.

SixStringKing
06-19-2005, 03:09 AM
My only real complaint....

the universe’s biggest lost and found

dont like it...throws off the mood IMO

good otherwise though