Hallmark (yes, I get it's kinda emo. Back off.)

[Know_Your_Onion!]

Alright, I get that this song is kinda emo, but I like it. It's the first real song I've written, and I fear that that shows. If y'all ever actually hear it is has cool dynamic tempo shifts and stuff...so, critique it if you'd like.

"Your song fills the silence that takes up the void that is left
They'd tell you to try this but deep down we both know what's right
We'll keep each other warm tonight

Keep me crazy
Before you stop and contemplate the
Sentiments all broke and bored
Like words drip from a Hallmark Card
Songs to serenade the dead
Songs too deep within your head
This terrible silence that's broken apart by this catalyst

Sleepless another night's taken before me
You come to be crying with hopes to reform me
You fail to see
What sanity it brings
When you come tonight to tell

Loss of composure with stars falling on me
You cry to the heavens "oh what could this all mean?"
It comes between
The pure and the obscene
When you break your back to know

Keep me crazy
Before you stop to comtemplate the
Sentiments all broke and frayed
Like the worst that Hallmark made
Songs to serenade the dead
Songs play over in your head
This wonderful closeness that's brought on by this catalyst

The king will approve and love will be his decree
We'll find that our sacrifice set all the lost free
When you stop to breathe
You correspond with me
When you stop to fight and yell

Keep me crazy
Before you stop and contemplate the
Sentiments all broke and bored
Like words drip from a Hallmark Card
Songs to serenade the dead
Songs too deep within your head
This wonderful closeness that's brought on by this catalyst
And still we turn in bliss"

[thayne_is_dumb]

If it's your first poem ever, then it's really good. However, don't refer to songs as "emo" because that starts a huge fuss. "Emo" isn't a type of lyric or being short for emotional. It's a branch of hardcore that original meant emotive; however, just like with everything else, MTV decided to start naming everything that they wished to as "emo" just as they do with stuff such as punk and metal.

[apocalypseNOW]

amen thayne is dumb! amen. yah i love the third verse. i dont see one flaw.

[SixStringKing]

alright well a guy with 12 posts doesnt see a flaw... imagine that... and yes this is emo..i dont care what thayne is dumb says...he called it emo so its emo... if it was heavy metal he would have called it heavy metal.. emo is MUSIC not lyrics... lyrics such as stratovarius talk about relationships and breaking up.. but theyre Heavy Metal/Prog Rock... so the music determines the genre not the lyrics... and i think the author knows the music better than you do thayne... so while your trying to be intelligent your failing...kudos

on to the crit.. this is alright for your first song.. really if it flows nicely with the music and everything it can be a good song.. but for future writing tips...look deeper and put more thought into your writing.. i suggest writing down your thoughts... just to get your feelings out and taking those thought and twisting them and molding them into stanzas by using metaphors and other writing "tools" i do like this piece and it is every good for a first song... but just look deeper... people will also tell you that this is a very cliche piece but thats okay especially for your first song.. Kudos my friend keep writing and in time you will be great..

Some times your writing seemd a little forced remember that everyline doesnt have to rhyme...the poem/song doesnt even have to rhyme at all... and be aware of repetitiveness... with your lack of more verses your chorus will seem to be repeated much more and may sound repetitive but yet again, depending on the music it may work well..

Good luck
Best Wishes
Six String

[SubtleDagger]

Read the damn rules.