Cloud Shackles (You're a Hypocrite)

[Corupt2057]

:::Revised 6-23-05 1:15PM:::

They rise early for some praise.
They'll speak the word, just one day.
Then go out and do just the same.
Their sins redeemed for their stay.

And I see you, as you stand and sway..
You fight for balance, as try to pray.
You say you're happy that you're content,
Deep down, you know you're a hypocrite.

(Chorus)
What holds me down? What holds me back?
Cloud shackles, keepin' the world intact.
White smoke in lies, their all playin' the act,
When you hold up your hands, do you feel anything back?

Why are you shaking my hand,
You keep that smile screwed to your face.
I know where you go, and what you do..
You can't hide.. you're another fake.
You're a hypocrite

See I don't come here, to keep up an image of myself.
You're a perfect picture trying to be someone else.
I'm not wrong, with all the things I'm thinking about,
I'm wrong cause I haven't called you out.
You're a hypocrite

(Chorus)
What holds me down? What holds me back?
Cloud shackles, keepin' the world intact.
White smoke in lies, their all playin' the act,
When you hold up your hands, do you feel anything back?

I'm not mocking anyone and their praise,
It isn't right when you're asking forgiveness.
I'm asking the questions your actions raise..
You don't walk the path.. what's your business?

(Chorus)
What holds me down? What holds me back?
Cloud shackles, keepin' the world intact.
White smoke in lies, their all playin' the act,
When you hold up your hands, do you feel anything back?

(Closing)
What holds me down? What holds me back?
Cloud shackles..
Cloud shackles holding me back..
When you hold up your hands..
When you hold up your hands..
Do you feel anything back?

[KissMeIamSh*tFaced]

I liked it, especially the chorus... the way you wrote it down was confusing. Apart from that i liked it alot

[JaveryAM]

i liked it a lot... the chorus seemed especially witty, yet slightly awkward too
Good job

[Corupt2057]

I appreciate that you two like it.. but does anyone have anything to criticize with an in-depth explanation

[Corupt2057]

bump

[SixStringKing]

Early mornin' risin' for some praise.
We'll speak the word just one day.
They go out and do just the same.
Redemption.. for another day.

here i really only liked the first two lines, the others seemed too forced and the rhyming day with day really doesnt help that at all.

I see you stand and sway..
As you hold your hands and pray.
You say you're happy that you're content,
Deep down, you know you're a hypocrite.

I like this part... I do think that the AABB scheme takes away from the message, but still dont think you should change itif it works well in the song..

What holds me down? What holds me back?
Cloud shackles, keepin' the world intact.
White smoke in lies, their all playin' the act,
When you hold up your hands, do you feel anything back

I liked this chorus only one complaint... you rhyme back with back.. again it seems to take away from the meaning use a different word..theres a world of words out there that rhyme with back

Why are you shaking my hand,
You keep that smile screwed to your face.
I know where you go, and I know what you do..
This isn't you, your just another fake.
You're a hypocrite

This was such a good part until you said the 3rd line... "this isnt you, your just another fake" that line just seemed real cliche and i dont like the way it sounds in this piece.

See I don't come here, to keep up an image of myself.
You're a perfect picture trying to be someone else.
I'm not wrong, with all the things I'm thinking about,
I'm wrong cause I haven't called you out.
You're a hypocrite

love this part...youve finally seemed to get your rhymes to not seem forced Much Better, no complaints.

I'm not mocking anyone and their praise,
It isn't right when you're asking forgiveness.
I'm asking the questions your actions raise..
You don't walk the path.. what's your business?


the second and forth lines here are really good.. but the 1st and 3rd seem really forced...again.....


Overall this piece could be good if you just fixed it up a bit and read through it yourself to see the forced rhymes and what not.. definatly not as good as some of your other pieces

[Mr.Plague]

Hmm, I like it because it reminds me of something..

[Corupt2057]

"I liked this chorus only one complaint... you rhyme back with back.. again it seems to take away from the meaning use a different word..theres a world of words out there that rhyme with back"
every last word in the chorus rhymes with one another it wasn't intended as a ABBA scheme rather the whole thing rhyme together

anyways thanks for pointing out the forced sounding lines
I'm actually having to go back and edit alot of the verse lines because they are just impossible to sing for lack of flow.. all except the chorus of course ;-)

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

you know i really iike this
call me nutz
but i think you could record this now
and it will sound great!
very well written!
good job

[bisnotch]

Hey thanks for your crit by the way on my other piece. Sorry it took awhile for this. I have noticed that you do like rhyme schemes. I am not a big fan but i'm not going to bash you for it because its just your style. What I didn't really like was the use of the word day at the end of two lines in the first stanza. For the most part, it flows nice but i don't think you started as strong as you could have. The second stanza just wasn't doing it for me. I'll leave it at that. The chorus, dun dun dunnnn. I loved it. I wouldn't change a bit. Actually I lied. I would change the last word so you aren't rhyming back with back. It just throws everything off in my opinion. I loved the part after the first chorus. I think I liked it a lot because it didn't rhyme. It just flowed and rolled off my tongue. I did find it somewhat weird that this was the only stanza without a rhyme pattern. I liked the next verse, or what have you, because although there were somewhat simple rhymes, it flowed beautifully and created a nice image. As for the closing, i'm not too fond off, simply because of the repitition. well, there you have it. If you want to do another crit for crit on my lastest piece, you can give me one of yours and i'll crit it. again, thank you and keep up the nice work.

[Corupt2057]

revised a bit for flow and some crits

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Corupt is our little rapper, joy :D.

[Corupt2057]

lol nah that would be the hypnotiqsorcerer guy
I'm all rock all the time
indie rock
very few hard songs
and like this some christian rock

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I peed in your glass of water, turd.

[Corupt2057]

no that was lemonade.. I tasted it