The Rain Stick

[Trim vs. the System]

I'm not sure about this one but hey that's what i post here for crit and suggestions. yet again it is a poem but may well be turned into a chilled song.

Upend the rain stick and what happens next
Is a music that you never would have known
To listen for. In a cactus stalk

Downpour, sluice-rush, spillage, and backwash
Come flowing through. You stand there like a pipe
Being played by water, you shake it again lightly

And diminuendo runs through all its scales
Like a gutter stopping trickling. And now
Here comes a sprinkle of drops out of the freshened leaves.

Then subtle little wets off grass and daisies?
Then glitter-drizzle, almost-breaths of air.
Upend the stick again. What happens next

Is undiminished for having happened once,
Twice, ten, a thousand times before.
Who cares if all the music that transpires

Is the fall of grit or dry seeds through a cactus?
You are like a rich man entering heaven
Through the ear of a raindrop.
Now listen again.

[AngusYoung413]

I think that was a superb poem. I think it could become a great song, maybe not the catchiest song in the world but you know...The first stanza is really good. It drew me in so I almost had to read the rest of the poem. There is a lot of good imagery in there. Very creative and different from a lot of other stuff one might read. I think my favorite stanza would have to be the fifth. I can't explain why I like that one so much but I just do. A nice read overall
.

[Corupt2057]

this feels like a beat poem that can easily be turned into a rock song just because alot of the way this it has an inner structure of rhyme, consonant in words that are alot alike and.. hard to explain it just has a natural beat to it.. the only thing that would hold this back as a song would be some of the vocabulary other than that it works great as a beat poem that has been well written