Waltz

[i am the robots]

Two great days
Sixty parts
A dancing waltz
Of empty hearts
Trapped in gray
Without expression
Two were great
I've learned my lesson

Attention was needed
but there was no time
Cluttered vision impaled me
I was raped by trust,
You took what was mine
Friend has no meaning
More or less a snake
I can no longer believe
All that was is truly fake

I wish I could understand
Unfortunately I cannot
Tension is high
I will not forgive
You can rot in Hell
My hatred will not give

[AngusYoung413]

Wow that was pretty good.

Two great days
Sixty parts
A dancing waltz
Of empty hearts
Trapped in gray
Without expression
Two were great
I've learned my lesson

This first part here is really nice. I love the rhyme scheme and just the way it flows. No complaints.

Attention was needed
but there was no time
Cluttered vision impaled me
I was raped by trust,
You took what was mine
Friend has no meaning
More or less a snake
I can no longer believe
All that was is truly fake

This stanza/verse is really great too. At first I thought the "Cluttered vision" line didn't flow and was out of place but upon second read I found i quite liked it. Nice.

I wish I could understand
Unfortunately I cannot
Tension is high
I will not forgive
You can rot in Hell
My hatred will not give

[B]Here it takes sort of a more depressing, emotional side. Not saying that this is a bad thing because I like this too. I would have to say it is my least favorite stanza but only because the other two are so good.

8/10

[AngusYoung413]

Sorry about the weird bold typing, oh well.

[i am the robots]

all is good, thanks for the feedback man, and yeah, the bolding made sense, it shows which part you are talking about

EDIT: And yeah, that last part is the bridge, put it like this: Melodic intro, then a stanza, then interlude, then stanza, then the bridge.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Wow, First off all, you are the first song I have critted since I've been back and I've been waiting to crit another one of yours forever.
This song was very deep. It had a deeper meaning then I even got I think, but it was incredible. It's only three verses so kinda short, but you pulled it off really well. I have to say that you are a lyrical genius. The only thing I didnt really like about the song, is the rot in hell part. It just didnt really flow for some reason. But other than that nice job and keep it up.
Thirdeyeblindislit :thumb: