Something different

[bigtom182]

Ok, I know i've already posted a song of mine today, but i literally just wrote this - it's fresh and i'm interested to hear some reactions. It feels very different, not something i'd normally write. I quite like it though. It's stemmed from nothing, I had a sudden burst of lyrical energy! I think it could be more of a poem than a song. Crits much appreciated.


Breaking out from my chosen mould
Searching deep for another route
Interest in locating choices seems
Less interesting than life’s fruit

Stumbling across past experiences
Tripping up on roots of plans
Burning fingers on old flames
I am a slave to such immortal games

Sometimes the past isn’t worth hanging on to
Times that some can never look back on
My decision is as bright as it is precipitous
Unstable judgements are where I belong

Focus on a journey which leads you askew
Follow a path which seems unclear
Find something better, find something new
To anyone’s rules - You must not adhere

A brilliant implosion of such passive behaviour
Is a generic expulsion for such lack of time
Don’t waver your thoughts at this stage, my saviour
Your novel unfinished; your number is prime

Airborne is my expression
Abrupt is my attack
An unanswerable question
That is never taken back
Undecided was my expression
Unrequited was my attack
Incoherent was the unanswerable question
That was never taken back

Expletives used in excess
That only render offence
Unclean is the spoken tongue
Of which I can’t make sense
So **** all of your excess
And render this offence
Because my tongue has spoken unclean
And made such perfect sense


Many thanks for reading.

[AngusYoung413]

I thought it was pretty nice. I don't have time to give it the attention it deserves but I like the
"Focus on a journey which leads you askew
Follow a path which seems unclear
Find something better, find something new
To anyone’s rules - You must not adhere" lines. Very good. 7/10

[thayne_is_dumb]

Last stanza is great. For the most part, I didn't care much for it because it's not my style of writing. I'm the kind who thinks big words get in the way of what we need to say, but that's beyond the point. However, it is for the most part a good write. A very simple rhyme scheme. However, this wasn't constant throughout the whole song. To me, it doesn't really matter because poetry is all up for interpretation. The only problem I can really see is that it sounds a bit forced at times. I dunno, that's just my two cents. It's just some cliche' words kind of got in the way of what you may have want to have said. But other than those small problems, very good. 7/10.

[bigtom182]

bump