My first song CRIT FOR CRIT "UNTITLED"

[StrangelyBrewed13]

This is all about how mundane life can be:

Suns's rays fallin on my head
Only way i know im not dead
Young man sellin god
takes my rejection pretty hard

Soul searchin not goin good
i dont care but i know i should
All the times been passin by
when peole motivate i just ask why

Is this really what lifes to be
Is it boring or is that just me
Tines supposed to move but i dont feel it is
Maybeit all jut a big quiz

Im fallin down ino evil tricks
just want to get my kicks
Hell, the worlds ending soon anyway so who really cares
the suns caught me with an evil glare

[bigtom182]

There were good bits and bad bits. I felt it was too repetetive, it was the same structure throughout four sections. Also (I'm gonna be honest) I thought this line was awful: "Time's supposed to move but i dont feel it is, maybe it's all just a big quiz" - I like the concept of time being something questionable or testing, but i didn't like your wording there. Also the spelling/grammar could have been better - it doesn't bother me too much as I can just about work out what you mean, but it's nice if you make the effort to get it right.

Those are my only complaints. I like the idea and feel of the song despite it being repetetive, just needs some sections with different structures/rhyme, or whatever. I like the second section a lot, i think that's good. There is room for improvement in the others. But not ALL bad.... 6/10

[sherbondy]

some of your rhyming schemes seem forced cut down longer phrases cause some times less is more i.e. hell the worlds ending soon anyway so who really cares
try and cut it down it will help it not seem so forced and ruin the flow

[undergroundshell]

I have just been reminded to post on other people's lyrics...so I'm gonna do so. I am a bit hesitant b-cuz I don't want to come off as knowing more about songwriting than the next guy being that it is a form of expression, and people have their own ways of working their demons. Which brings me to your lyrics about all that is mundane. I highly agree that there is attitude carried around by many other than yourself of who cares, what the heck is going on, etc. How you point it out.....well, I guess I'm missing the whole "why" "what" and "how" part. I do like the whole "young man selling god takes my rejection pretty hard". As far as repeating....I wouldn't worry so much about it b-cuz most of the great songs of our time and for years have that say over and over again quality b-cuz there is a point you want to bring out and the importance of it is signified by repeating it, people just have to either understand what it means for you, or find it in themselves.

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

youy know for this being your first this is pretty **** good...
i like it alot
because your using the AABB rhyme scheme the rhymes seem a little force
a good remedy for taht would be extending the syllable structure
it'll give you more words to paint the picture you wan't to create...

good job man,
you do have a natural talent

[flywithdiamonds]

Well I'll post some advice that I've posted in many other threads and that's watch your syllable count. You'll find, as you gain experience that you can structure song by matching lines by the amount of syllables, alliteration etc, without having to rely so heavily on rhymes. As has said before this is a good piece. If you'd be kind enough to take a read of my piece on the front page and comment as I could use a bump :)

Good work.

[white_riot]

Well this was your first song so it was pretty good. I think you were a bit to repetitive but good job. 7/10

[StrangelyBrewed13]

thanks guys...im gonna rework this piece and bring it back in a week or two so keep ur eye out fo this piece again. ill try to critique all yours

[thayne_is_dumb]

I agree, it is very good for a first piece. I'm not a fan of AABB rhyme scheme at all because a lot of times it can make you feel forced to rhyme all the time (wow). sorry, but the first line of the song caused the line "rain drops are fallin' on my head" to pop into my mind which probably ruined it for me. I'm not going to go deep into all the problems because most of them stem from forcing out rhymes. 6/10

[charolastra]

Young man sellin god --

that was the only line i liked. it had this way of making the image live in your head for a few seconds. other than that, i didn't like it that much.

sorry.

[JaveryAM]

it was OK. Thats all i can really say. it seemed like you were trying to force a rhyme scheme in there, as if you cut sentences too short to maintain it...

[apocalypseNOW]

i lieked it. seriously. for a first song (or any song) thats pretty g'd writing. yes the "rain drops keep falling on my head..." tune came to mind with the opening lines. i lieked what you had with it. g'd job man.

[Know_Your_Onion!]

I agree with most of the posters that some of the rhymes seem forced and it's a little repetitive. It's a little short, but that's okay. I like the ideas in it, and I like some of the lines a lot. "Young man sellin god takes my rejection pretty hard" was one that stood out, a line I really liked.

So, honestly, pretty **** good for a first-time song (hell, it's better than mine). Work on the syllable count a little, and the rhymes. A good, solid, 6.5/10

[Leaves]

I personally don't mind the AABB rhyme scheme ("Lua" by Bright Eyes shows it can be done), but some of your rhymes are poor. I'll point them out as we go. Let's begin!:

Suns's rays fallin on my head
Only way i know im not dead
Young man sellin god
takes my rejection pretty hard
The first two lines are okay. Kind of cliche but it sounds intentional (what with the AABB rhyme scheme and all), so you get away with it. "Young man sellin god" is great.

Soul searchin not goin good
i dont care but i know i should
All the times been passin by
when peole motivate i just ask why
I actually really like this verse. It depends on the delivery, though. This song needs to be mellow, acoustic...a lot like "Lua" as I previously mentioned. A touch of apathetic laidbackness. I love inventing words....

Is this really what lifes to be
Is it boring or is that just me
Tines supposed to move but i dont feel it is
Maybeit all jut a big quiz
This verse is okay up until the last line. Is/Quiz is a bad rhyme. It sounds totally forced and could potentially ruin the entire song. I smell a re-do.

Im fallin down ino evil tricks
just want to get my kicks
Hell, the worlds ending soon anyway so who really cares
the suns caught me with an evil glare
Omit this last verse. It doesn't fit the rest of the song and it's way worse than the rest of the song. It's doing more damage than good. Toss it!

Overall I like the feel. You have the potential for a nice, quaint little song here. Just do some touch ups. Hope that helps. BTW, feel free to crit my song Not Convinced (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=354485). Late.

[usedgreenromance]

"rain drops keep falling on my head..." tune came to mind with the opening lines.

ahhaha scott thats exactly what i waas gunna say!!!!!!!!!
ok so it was ur first song.. its pretty good. but songs dont need to rhyme that much. it sounded like you kinda forcing it to rhyme. so if you let up on that a little youll be great :thumb: