We're Not Unbound

[bigtom182]

Hey folks, I'm new on these forums, I like this idea of crit for crit and all that; it's cool to see other people's lyrical talents! I thought i'd share one of my songs with you, and feedback is welcomed and appreciated.

I wrote it for my band. If you'd like to know the story behind it just ask, but i'm interested to see other people's interpretations of it. :)


An Hour Of Rage

Verse 1

Scared of what lies ahead of me
Lay in bed, scared to death as we
Look on to a new beginning
But future prospects are just not comforting

I can only pray that nothing will change
Reform, undo, fall apart, rearrange
Don’t let me go if it’s just not right
Tell me a lie and set my life alight

Chorus

Make me something to bring down houses
Write me a song to give me strength
Something to make isn’t nearly as profound as
What separates us now, so close to the ground

Verse 2

Verse 2

Hate to face what lies ahead of me
I can’t embrace and I strongly disagree
New beginnings are not my strong point
Look what you’ve left me to confront

With some help I could do this on my own
Give in to your fears and leave me alone
‘Cause if I go I know I’m gonna **** up
And all you’ve got to say is “tough luck”?

Chorus

Make me something to bring down houses
Write me a song to give me strength
Something to make isn’t nearly as profound as
What separates us now, so close to the ground

Verse 3

Check for the pulse as he lies silently
Something inside him is moving violently
Scared to death by new beginnings
How d’you like your new found winnings?

Inside he still prays that nothing will change
But he changed it all, in an hour of rage
But an hour of rage couldn’t change a thing
Now everyone else is left wondering

Bridge

Scared to death in an hour of rage
Reform, undo, fall apart, rearrange
Scared to death in an hour of rage
Reform, undo, fall apart, rearrange

Chorus

Make me something to bring down houses
Write me a song to give me strength
Something to make isn’t nearly as profound as
What separates us now, so close to the ground

Bring me something that puts up houses
Type me a letter, don’t make me weak
Making something better isn’t nearly as profound as
How separated we are, but we’re not unbound.



Cheers for having a look.

[spnj]

I thought this was quite good actually. You phrased your thoughts really well and the chorus was well put together. There were a few lines that read a little awkward but that is always fixable with good music. Speaking of the music, what type does your band play. Im reading and thinking it could go a few different ways (which i think is a good aspect of it). Other than that, well done and keep writing
7/10

[bigtom182]

Thanks! Obviously I'm not a master of words as I'm sure some folks on here are, but I do my best and it usually works with the band. We also have another lyricist in the band who's usually better than myself! As a band, we don't tend to stick to one style, we like to keep our opportunities open and not limit ourselves with boundaries of styles. It's generally punk rock kinda stuff but with a bit of a difference, but lately some of the songs have been a bit heavier and more "serious" i suppose you could say. Not that that's a bad thing, i'm enjoying it. This song is one of the more serious ones.

[bigtom182]

bump

[bigtom182]

double bump?

[Corupt2057]

"But future prospects are just not comforting"
awkward wording; change to
"But future prospects aren't that comforting"

"Reform, undo, fall apart, rearrange"
couldn't think of a line? it's obvious.. just think a little harder

"Don’t let me go if it’s just not right"
"Tell me a lie and set my life alight"
these lines were written awkward to force the rhyme between 'right' and 'alright'
possible help for the lines
"Don’t let me go cause it isn't right"
"You've told me these lies all my life"
ok you're fairly new here.. and I don't know about your musical background knowledge but words don't have to exactly rhyme to sound good as long as they have the 'inner rhyme' the same sounding vowel sounds it turns out good. ex: past;pass crush;touch found;now. that should give you a good enough idea
your chorus is good but it lacks some cleverness in the lines it could have
I'll just make a few changes you can incorporate if you want
"Build me to bring down houses
Write me a song to give me strength
Make me anything to bridge our hearts
What separates us now, frowns in the dark"
now I know this isn't what you were saying but this atleast has a more rocking tone to it and it actually expressing more feeling
(I reserve the right to use the last two lines later on lol)
anyways
"Can’t face what lies ahead of me
Won’t embrace; came along so suddenly"
alright you just need to switch some words around to help this make more sense..
"Won’t face what lies ahead of me
Can’t embrace what came along so suddenly"

"Scared to death; prospects of nothing
Sometimes I wish that I could ****ing…"
blah these lines just suck man...

"Die, or go, I can do this on my own
I know you have aversions to leaving me alone"
I thought this sounded good all except for the word 'aversions'.. lose it

"But I don’t know, this saga is just going to far
Argue amongst yourselves, I’ll **** off in the car"
I don't think saga fits to well here.. just makes me think of video games and old stories
and the car rhyme that is really forced and lame just think a little harder something better will come to you

"Inside he still prays that nothing will change
But he changed it all, in an hour of rage
But an hour of rage couldn’t change a thing
Now everyone else is left wondering"
first two lines sounded really good
but the last line I think you should say something about standing for something or what is there to live for I dunno why..
"What's to live for when no one's standing"
or you you could make something off of the rhyme 'changing'

anyways I think this has poetential to be a decent rock song I think the chorus sounds very good with my suggestions other than that I thought this was less and average but the idea behind the chorus was very good
anyways you just need to take more time to think of better lines and stop forcing rhymes

you can crit back on my Cloud Shackles or Time Machine

[Corupt2057]

oh by the way
I think you should change your title to "An Hour of Rage"
just because the 'we're not unbound' people won't remember it that well cause it's not directly from the song..

[as_disaster_strikes]

thats sooo blink 182-ish

[bigtom182]

thats sooo blink 182-ish
Hmm, yes, that was a relevant comment. Twat. If you're gonna crit something, do it properly; a good example being the guy who has posted above you. THAT is a proper crit. your comment was pathetic. Judging by the other posts you've made in other threads, you deserve a good battering anyway.


Right. In reply to Corupts much appreciated crit...

The line "Reform, undo, fall apart, rearrange" - i didn't do that because I couldn't think of anything else. I did want it to be like that.

In general i can see you've noticed some flaws in my rhyme scheme, which is fair enough - i know as well as you do that i often try to force a rhyme! Since joining this forum and looking at some other people's work, i have been more careful with rhyme in my songs, and even not bothered sometimes. For instance, I wrote a poem which has no particular rhyme scheme (which you can take a look at/crit if you wish - the thread is called "something different").

I fear that if i changed some of the wording in this song, it might lose its significance and it's meaning to me. Some very strong feelings were the source of this song!

Lol, i also noticed you don't like the second verse. In all honesty...neither do i! Well, some lines i do, others i wish i had thought harder about. However, the other lyricist in my band reassured me that it was fine and i should leave it. I might change it anyway.

In the third verse, you say the last line needs to be different, and I agree there - i have had my doubts about it and i've changed it several times. I'll see if i can think of anything more suitable!

Anywho, thanks a lot for the crit and i'll be sure to have a look at yours! It'd be great if you could take a look at my other one too (it could do with a bump, it seems to be sinking off the page lol). Cheers!

[SixStringKing]

if your afraid of it losing meaning to you, keep this song the same, but for the sake of becoming a better writer write things for yourself...like poems and songs with no music...that will help to broaden your lyric writing skills for when your band does need you. good for a semi new writing, and new to the forums.. good...
hope you enjoy the forums..good lukc with everything

feel free to look at mine
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=355980
thanks


and yes, i know this isnt much of a crit..just some advice

[antidote for loneliness]

There were a few lines i saw that I thought had to go. For instance the verse:

Die, or go, I can do this on my own
I know you have aversions to leaving me alone
But I don’t know, this saga is just going to far
Argue amongst yourselves, I’ll **** off in the car

The word "saga" doesn't fit well at all. From my point of view it seems as if you threw it in there just because. I'm sure you could find another word or re-arrange your lyrics in that particular verse to have it sound better. Also drop the word aversions. Sometimes having big words in songs can be a good thing. In this instance, it isnt. It just doesn't flow with the style of the song.

On another note: I noticed you didn't have too much imagery in your lyrics. I'm not sure if you wanted it to be that way or what, but try playing around with some metaphors and similies. It will make your piece more interesting and catchy. When I find songs with good similies and metaphors, I often find myself sayinig how much I like them which in return makes me remember the song. You want a song that people will remeber. Well, that's all I have to say for now. Thanks for the crit btw.

[Daven]

7.5/10

[bigtom182]

Hey! Cheers for the crits and comments. One thing i picked up on is people not liking the second verse, and i didn't particularly either anyway, so i've rewritten it.

Verse 2

Hate to face what lies ahead of me
I can’t embrace and I strongly disagree
New beginnings are not my strong point
Look what you’ve left me to confront

With some help I could do this on my own
Give in to your fears and leave me alone
‘Cause if I go I know I’m gonna **** up
And all you’ve got to say is “tough luck”?

I've also changed the name to "An Hour Of Rage" as Corupt suggested; i thought this was much better!