Challenge 89 "Essence" Voting

[DFelon204409]

SubtleDagger
RunAmokRampant
addicted_tochaos
Necroses-bass
BigBadBob
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE
WhatILiveFor
PainfulSweet
romanesque
MachineGunFunk
JaveryAM
FACELESSnotBASSLESS

[Bigbadbob]

SubtleDagger
Reads like an excerpt, yet intact. Retrospect…Redemption…Retribution…
Portrays a range of emotions. Hopeless, helpless, sorrow, simmering righteous anger. Culminates with a subdued clenched jawed and white knuckled grip around “the cold metal barrel”.

RunAmokRampant
Defiantly an experiment. I still think you use too many prep phrases “for in order…”. I thought the first 3 stanzas weak and searching format. The “direction” verse was perfect but outta place. Save that. Now the last three interested me context wise and should be further developed.

addicted_tochaos
I cant say I've been in tune with your stuff for awhile but I like this one. Its easy, straight forward and very lyrical. Sometimes we tend to go overboard to compensate for no musical accompanyment but I think you hit lyric right on here.

Necroses-bass
Well I think whats written is stated succinctly enough but its seems to be a snap shot of a very desperate situation. Nor does it capture much of that desperation.

BigBadBob
Some of you might reconize part of this from challenge #23 Pulse June 2002.
its a remix

ITRIEDVOODOOONCE
This is all over the place with its metaphors and flow. A strong canidate for last place!!!

WhatILiveFor
I had trouble wrapping my brain around the opening but mostly I like it. A bit on the cerebral side? which I like. Good phrases and use of language.

PainfulSweet
Now that you got that out of your system...dont ever post sap like that again. ;) ps "stained hotel bed" you know you'll go blind if you do that too often

romanesque
This truely is a shipwreck. Really honest sentiment, I can feel it. Sadly I dont feel a natural talent for writting. Your gonna have to work long and hard.

MachineGunFunk
Well I read the first 2 verses and quit........but to be fair, i continued on. Actually down towards the end there were a couple of sharp lines. Mostly its not very good but the end it makes you wonder.

JaveryAM
WOW. these crits are writting themselves. Shipwreck, lame duck. I have several grammatical issues with this piece. It has a big production feel to it but lacks maturity.

FACELESSnotBASSLESS
My Savior :thumb: Good piece. I really like this one


3rd… SubtleDagger 7.7
5th… RunAmokRampant 7
2nd… addicted_tochaos 7.9
9th… Necroses-bass 5
BigBadBob x
11th… ITRIEDVOODOOONCE 3
4th… WhatILiveFor 7.7
10th… PainfulSweet 4
8th… romanesque 5
7th… MachineGunFunk 5.5
6th… JaveryAM 6
1st… FACELESSnotBASSLESS 8

[RunAmokRampant]

SubtleDagger - 4th
I think its all good until the slang at the end. I know I might sound hypocritical because I also used a bit of slang in my song but the context throws me off as it is too contrasting to the vocabulary used in the rest of the song. It just seems to stick out intrusively (sp?) and just gets too much attention. Maybe it is what you're intending to do but I don't like it that much. But the rest is top stuff. "Courted by the cold metal barrel," and "Crutches and bleeding palms." are some awesome lines you have and the description is quite evoking.

RunAmokRampant -
Dr RAR's horrifying experiment lyrical mutation?

addicted_tochaos - 2nd A close one between you and BBB
I find that your the middle man in every challenge, where your songs are great but apparently not good enough to win. I think this song however, has definitely some winning material in it. Great imagery and more straight forward unlike other work you've down.

Necroses-bass - 7th

This has a good developing theme to it but it lacks in original imagery severely. The only part I liked really was "With the finger on the trigger
One shot and their youth is killed". Because of the predictable imagery I can't really connect with this song but it would make a great narrative poem I think.

BigBadBob - 1st
The flow in this is amazing and the imagery is great. I love your work, it is quite inspiring. I think "In the essence of the quiet" would be better as 'In the essence of silence' but I suppose it works both ways. It's a tough one between you and addicted_tochaos because I find them the best in this challenge almost equally. Almost.

ITRIEDVOODOOONCE - 6th
The consistency in the water imagery is basically the only think that holds this piece together because of the lack of structure and flow. You weave other descritive language in this water well sometimes "my tears will only feed this disaster" which I like as last line. It's ok but nothing too exciting IMO.

WhatILiveFor - 3rd
This has some of the best imagery I've read in awhile, I really like the whole "breath" imagery at the start. Is is supposed to be sonnet because you've got the whole format wrong I think. Sonnets have a ABAB rhyming scheme except for the last two lines which are rhyming couplets GG. So it should go ABAB CDCD EFEF GG (I think that is how it goes). Also each line has to have exactly 10 syllables them. But other than that, this is a very well written and thoughtful song.

PainfulSweet - 10th
Oh please I hope this the last sappy song you do. Some lines are really suspect "on this stained hotel bed" and the rhyming is a definite throw off. It is actually difficult to write a decent love song than what one might think as it is very hard not to fall on the cushion of cliche.

romanesque - 8th
Much the same as JaveryAM's but different topic. Try not to keep to fimiliar song structure and take risks and you will improve.

MachineGunFunk - 9th
Ok? The forced rhyming throws me of this completely. Not that good at all and the topic I just don't like that much. The imagery is just surface deep and really only states the obvious and does not go into detail that well. Could be improved but I wouldn't bother honestly

JaveryAM - 11th
I really hate it when people have the whole music structure to their music (verse, chorus, bridge) as it is ineffective in these forums and just makes your song longer and therefore boring. In the future you can still state what is what but don't repeat it like the chorus. It is not a stand out song and just blurs with mediocrity.

FACELESSnotBASSLESS - 5th
Thank you. No really...thank you for helping keeping my faith in the LC. I was beginning to doubt this one when I came to it as it was the last one but this is decent and I enjoyed it. Not the best but worthwhile nonetheless

[JaveryAM]

SubtleDaggers:
1st: "Our angel of death triumphs
On metal wings today."
Strong beginning

2nd and 3rd: great piece, and good use of vocabulary words

4th: "Her descent drowned her pleas"
I love that line

RunAmokRampant:
The first two stanzas were great, but the awkwardness held in the third stanzas ruins it.
After that it follows through beautifully, until the last two lines.
"Then tell me what will you do? Tell me.
Have a snooze like that stupid bloody rabbit?"
It seems to throw the piece off more. I suggest maybe fixing it somehow.

addicted tochaos:
It had an original yet ordinary feel to it. I dont think that battered the piece at all. It seemed to justr make it stronger.
As vocabulary goes, you used different words and it went smoothly.
I also liked the repetitional-type structure it had to it, using the "In a ---, In a ---"

Necroses-bass:
IT was a nice piece, but there were a couple pieces that caught my attention.
1. "With the finger on the trigger
One shot and their youth is killed"
That sounds very awkward.
2. "DEATH, DRUGS, POWER."
i guess i just thought there was a different meaning to the song, but after this part, the song seemed to turn to a different topic. It had a different texture to it. (if youre following me)
besides that, which is not a major battering in itself, it was well-done

BigbadBob:
I just liked it. I cant think of anything to crit about.

ITRIEDVOODOOONCE:

considering i had absolutely no interest in it at all what-so-ever once i read the title,
it turned out to be a nice piece. good job. It was original too.

WhatILivefoR:
Also awesome. Not much flaw here. In my opinion. It seemed like it would fit my preference of music.

PainfulSweet:
This seemed cheesy, no offense, but it was cliche.


romanesque:

Although you did have the same word (away) in your title,
it wasnt as good as i expected it to be. The lines were VERY cliche, such as the tearing of the hearts,
and trying to kill what isnt alive.

machinegunfunk:

Very cute. It was pop-ish.

FACELESSnotBASSLESS:

This piece didnt have many flaws either. Awesome job.



FACELESSnotBASSLESS: ----1
SubtleDagger: --------------2
BigBadBob: -----------------3
WhatILiveFor:---------------4
addicted_tochaos-----------5
Necroses-bass:-------------6
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE:-------7
MachineGunFunk:-----------8
RunAmokRampant:----------9
PainfulSweet:--------------10
romanesque:---------------11

[machinegunfunk]

SubtleDagger - Obviously the imagery here is tremendous. Very well written in this regard; the imagery is powerful, gripping, visual etc. My only problem with the piece is that it seems to dance around saying something without saying anything really at all. A lot of the lines seem empty.

RunAmokRampant - I don't really know where to begin with this. It just seems to all over the place for me. The idea seems good, but I don't really know how to critique this without really understanding it

addicted_tochaos - I agree with the previous critique in saying that it is good, but there is nothing that makes it great. it is a very solid song, but it lacks anything that makes somebody go "wow"

Necroses-bass - It's good, again, but not great. You're taking a situation that is one of the most grave, destitute and intense, and the song doesn't really do it justice.

BigBadBob - I don't really know what to say about this. I'm a little drunk at the moment, and though it seems like a good work, something in the lyrics really makes me feel as though it isn't saying anything, and that it is just a lot of impressive looking words and sentences that together are meaningless.

ITRIEDVOODOOONCE

WhatILiveFor

PainfulSweet

romanesque

MachineGunFunk

JaveryAM

FACELESSnotBASSLESS

[Necroses-bass]

I haven't got time for crits at the moment i'm in an internet cafe in Brugge. I'm touring in belgium and holland with my band, crowds are fvcking mad, its a shame its the end of the project though.

SubtleDagger - 3
RunAmokRampant - 8
addicted_tochaos - 2
BigBadBob - 1
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE - 6
WhatILiveFor - 4
PainfulSweet - 9
romanesque - 10
MachineGunFunk - 7
JaveryAM - 11
FACELESSnotBASSLESS - 5

[FACELESSnotBASSLESS]

SubtleDagger- The First Against the Wall- Wow. That’s all I can say. This is an extremely solid piece. I agree with BBB that it is quite reminiscent of an excerpt… I can’t even pick out favorite lines. This is excellent. 1

RunAmokRampant- Three Lane- I was a big fan of this one when I started reading it, but the apparent lack of structure, rhythm, and meaning in a few lines sort of chased me away. Don’t get me wrong, you have many good lines, such as the line about not indicating too early (although the explanation of your Driver’s Ed teacher sort of lost it its magic). However, there are also weak lines, such as “So sorry dude, just passing through.” This was quite an interesting idea, and some parts were flawless, but some parts just didn’t do it for me. 5

addicted_toaches- Letters to Love- This, in my opinion, is extremely well-done. In some parts, I had trouble understanding the flow of it, but overall, I thought it was great. I’m a big fan of the 2nd and 4th stanzas, not just because they flow so easily, but because of the imagery used in them. Great job. 4

Necroses-bass- Rio de Janeiro- Obviously, when you wrote this, you meant for it to be a very serious and shocking writing. It’s serious, but I’m not sure that you have the shocking part down. In my opinion, you got your point across, but did not use nearly enough emotion to get across a lasting impression of this piece. 6

Bigbadbob- Untitled- Very well done. In my opinion, the sound starts out strong and just keeps getting stronger and stronger, then falls again right at the end. I feel that the third stanza is inarguably the best stanza in this piece. It displays a thought with direction (which many pieces lack) and a flow of words, arranged well, that get the point across. I do tend to agree that a few words may have been thrown in just for impressiveness, such as the use of ‘soliloquy’ as the only word on one line, but this is great. 3

ITRIEDVOODOOONCE- Confidence Moses, We Need You Again- It lacks punctuation. It lacks flow. You continually reversed the order of verses to make then rhyme (a pet peeve of mine), such as “Like such open arms these waves” and “No longer my friend the sea has lost its content.” In fact, I have no idea what that last line was supposed to mean. Near the end, it gets better, but the beginning and middle lack anything that makes a piece good in my mind. 9

WhatILivefoR- Sonnet- This song opens up very strongly with the first two lines, and for reasons I cannot explain, I expected the rest to decline. I was shocked when it did not. This song uses extremely good imagery and flow throughout the whole. I honestly did not find too much wrong with this. 2

PainfulSweet- Missing You- I believe I am witnessing developing writing talent inside this piece. It seems to me that you mix original and cliché lines in this piece. The opening line is at least semi-original, but the rest of the stanza falls basically into clichés, and the second stanza (a chorus maybe?) is worse… However, basically the whole stanza after that is original. 7

Romanesque- Away- I agree with whoever made the statement about not using format like that in this forum. Also, I think this song uses clichés, lacks flow, punctuation, and meaning… I didn’t like it. 11

Machinegunfunk- Jenna Jameson… - Opens very weakly… and then gets stronger. The title is very unattractive in my opinion. You had some good lines, but also some very weak ones. 10

JaveryAM- Walk Away- This truly isn’t as bad as everyone’s making it out to be. I actually sort of like it, except for the fact that you drew it on to be as long as possible. Other than that, it is decent. 8

[ATC]

Subtle - Got my attention pretty quick. Pretty strong. Its got the fire
thats lacking from a lot of your stuff as of late. Cold metal barrel isnt
ordinarily a phrase I like, but you pull it off. :thumb: 3

RAR- Bad start. Not an interesting enough line to work, and its awkward too.
It feels very disjointed. Thats not always a bad thing, but its got exquisite
lines mixed up with awful ones. I realize that this is supposed to bea
concept song, but you need to change the instructor's lines. And I love the third
stanza. 4

ATC- C'est moi.

Necroses- It doesn't convey the chaos you're trying to get across
too well. It sounds too matter-of-fact to get emotion across. You could
lengthen it in the same vein, and it might do the trick. 8

BBB- I escorted the moonlight. Wonderful line. Lyrical as hell.
I have nothing I'd add or subtract, so I guess I shouldnt try. 1

VOODOOONCE- Bad job. Lots of work before you're in the same league as a lot
of people here. 11

WhatIlivefor- Powerful. Not my lyrical or political cup of tea, but k.
Packs a punch for such a little thing. No pun intended. 2

PainfulSweet- Its very average. You're saying something that's been said a
million times,in exactly the same words. 9

Romanesque- Again, its average. You're trying to take a leap, however, and
thats a good thing. Try using 5 lines instead of 4, the first verse etc.
The chorus is very singable but your bridge is awful. 7

Machinegunfunk- I kinda enjoyed reading this. The first and last stanzas especially.
It feels like a cheeky middle school punk song cos everything rhymes, but
eh, me likes. 6

JaveryAM- Generic. If I had a nickel for everytime someone used the line
'Why are you running away' in a song.... oh God, the interlude.
Oh, and dont try to tell people what the chorus is by repeating it a million times. 10

Faceless- Better. Morella? Mozarella? Morello? I feel stupid for not knowing
who that is. It looks like a million bucks when compared to the one abover,
but on second read, its decent. Couple of good lines, but a couple of unnecessary,
out-of-place ones as well. 5

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

The land was bled of every last child Subtle Dagger – 1
Denial to response buys the decision for each; WhatILivefoR - 2The intangible gift of The intangible gift of bliss cooked and laced with sorrow FACELESSnotBASSLESS – 3
Try not to indicate for more than five seconds, Or else it makes you easy to follow RunAmokRampant – 4
Last night I escorted the moonlight Thru high valleys solitude Bigbadbob – 5
Like animals they rip and tear the limbs of the prey but not for food Necroses-bass – 6
There's still some spaces left Just for you to breathe addicted_tochaos – 7
Her figure's lost among the shadow And she travels on among the unpaved road


EH, have to edit later sorry

[WhatILivefoR]

Sorry guys I've been busy, and I don't have time right now to do full critiques...
if you want them, let me know.

SubtleDagger- 1
RunAmokRampant- 4
addicted_tochaos- 3
Necroses-bass- 10
BigBadBob- 2
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE- 6
PainfulSweet- 9
Romanesque- 7
MachineGunFunk- 11
JaveryAM- 8
FACELESSnotBASSLESS- 5

[DFelon204409]

You all lose in my book. Somebody tally.

[SubtleDagger]

RunAmokRampant - Sentence structure is horrid. At times I start to think it's purposeful but it feels sloppy. It's just not structured properly, you go from one idea to the next without any real connection.
5th

addictedto_chaos - Most of it is decent. The "You're everywhere I want you to be" is a clumsy moderation, it just doesn't fit. It doesn't do much for me, I don't know why.
3rd

Necroses - Decent. At times it gets the point across, at times it's just too overblown.
4th

BBB - Structure problems again. Some lines are nonsensical; I can tell what you're trying to say but you make mistakes. "Conscience thought" is a good example; it's "conscious thought". It shows more promise than most of the pieces though.
2nd

Itriedvoodoo - The imagery is good. The first line blows so much I don't even really want to think about it and the flow is dreadful. Um. OK.
6th

WhatILiveFor - I hate sonnets. I have mentioned this numerous times to many people. This is good for a sonnet. Some strucure and flow problems are kind of nagging, but this is still very good considering everything else in this challenge. Good job.
1st

PainfulSweet - Saying what you're feeling is not poetic. Here's your song in a nutshell.

"I Miss You"

I miss you
And it makes me sad.
I love you a lot
Because you're beautiful.
I hope you come back soon.

Add in a lot of annoying forced rhymes and that's your piece. Gag me. I don't want to read an open letter to someone that is so frigging literal.
9th

romanesque - Jesus. If you're going to use commas, learn where they go first. You're using them in all the wrong places and making zero sense.
10th

machinegunfunk - Horrible, horrible, horrible rhyming. So bad. Stop rhyming. Please. Make the rhyming stop.

Oh, and the message is awful too. "Essentially the essence" is one of the dumbest lines I've heard in a long time. The last stanza flows and that is the only semi-positive thing I can even say.
11th

JaveryAM - People are saying this is good? Whatever. It's boring. I haven't read such a completely uninteresting process of events in quite some time. Not to mention it's not poetic enough for me to forgive you for the crap storytelling.
8th

Faceless - I like some of the lines quite a bit, but it's just not good enough. Some of the rhyming is really unnecessary and just isn't appropriate. Sometimes the tone is very interesting, almost sarcastic, other times it's just annoyingly elitist. This is the mystery song this challenge, I'm not really sure what to think of it. So you're somewhere in the middle.
7th