Dark Lightning

[-Brak-]

waiting for the dark lightning
pierced by radio waves
the skin holes pouring out diamonds
criminalizing everything unnecessary

fight it
because fighting can consume you
it lets you consume it
bring the radio closer
I’m only taking a shower
you tell me
I saw the light swim through your body like a frightened minnow
your body trembled
it ended hastily
I understood.
as I approach your lifeless body
I give my last good bye slash
with your bruises from self collapse
its all over you face
we didn’t know you wanted it that way
I was just dreaming in my
amnesic cardboard box of gullibility
swaying past emotions in the wind
I gave it up? to feel this?



Whatever, I'm not sure what this is just say what you think about it.

[Trim vs. the System]

interesting. i'd like to know a bit more about it before i crit it though. could you possibly give me a hint as to it's meaning to you? i quite like it for the record.

[flywithdiamonds]

I'd just like to ask why have you put a section in italic as I've noticed a lot of people do it but it generally doesn't do the song any favours. Unfortunately I feel the structure let's it down as it doesn't noticably flow and it's unclear what your actual message is. I'll probably be able to offer more help when it's explains a little more.

[spnj]

hey hey, i dont have a clue was this is about.. any hints? You use great imagery and you obviously have some form of idea, but as flywithdiamonds said, your structure lets you down.

[spnj]

hey hey, i dont have a clue was this is about.. any hints? You use great imagery and you obviously have some form of idea, but as flywithdiamonds said, your structure lets you down.

[Shady Ultima]

The imagery is great, I really do like the whole style of it. there's only one problem I have, and it's the same as everyone else's... what's it about? It seems like you're murdering a loved one, is it a breakup, spiritual murder or what?

[HypnotiQSorcerer]

Im with the others
you do a good job of paiting a picture?
but painting a picture of what?

the fallible structure it attains is its true downfall

its promising though

[-Brak-]

The italic is because someone is speaking.... I guess I'm murdering a loved one? Since everyone seems to think the structure is bad (and I'm not disagreeing here) I would like for someone to make the structure better, because it was kind of intentional to not have one.

(no flame intended)

thanks for the comments