Needs a title (and maybe some crit)

[punkdrums]

I like...

Dead grass

Bad bones

Fallen stars

(And)

I take...

White pills

Drunk nights

Cheap thrills...


Staring at the summer sun turn black
I know you’re still out there
But you’re never coming back no

Waiting in silence for the end of my days
(Yeah)
I know you don’t love me
But I still want you to stay...

<Instrumental>

I like...

Sex scarres

Bad bones

Wicked hearts

(Well)

I am...

White frills

Lone soul

Over kill....


Yeah, I don't really like the last verse (I am white frills lone soul over kill etc) personally but I'd appreciate another opinion....
Its sorta acousticky, but not..... think sorta Hole style. Its for a riot grrrl type band.
Ergh I dunno....!

[ABulldog]

Last Verse?

Oooooooooooooooook.

I just read a song that would be about 45 seconds long a little while ago. You have an instrumental, so this might be about 46 seconds lone.

Truly, the chorus was decent. You hung yourself by using a overused rhyme scheme and it limited the potential of the chorus.

The rest of the song, verse-wise, is neat. You did a nice job to at least keep away from a normal structure. My only quarrel is your major lack of morals... oh, and the fact that it is so short. You're gonna need another verse or two, plus a clever break, just to break 3 minutes, which is an average song these days.

[BrokenSaint]

Title = Common Hobbies