Vengeance

[evh_maiden]

Ok I haven't been on the forums in a long long time but I decided I'd drop by for awhile. For some odd reason, I really love this song, maybe it's because the band I'm in pulls it off so well. Anyways I just wanted to see what everyone thinks. Here ya go..

Hiding in the shadows
Cloaked with the night
Waiting for the right time to pounce on my prey
Eager but patient
Silent but screaming inside
This game will end with a wicked smile on my face

I listen to every sound, I watch every move
I feed off the pleasure that awaits
In the blackened sky
I hold no fear inside
Vengeance is growing, vengeance is growing
Camouflage
I wait in my lodge
Vengeance is supreme to all humanity

Crawling through bushes
Awaiting my victim
Seeking out the perfect plan to end a serpent's life
With no one knowing
The blood is flowing
My work is done, I'm on the run

I keep myself hidden, I quicken my pace
Must get rid of the human race
In the starry sky
All worries kept aside
Vengeance is slowing, vengeance is slowing
Born again
Victory is sweet
My vengeance is fulfilled
Task Complete

[Littlejohn]

Hiding in the shadows
Cloaked with the night
Waiting for the right time to pounce on my prey
Eager but patient
Silent but screaming inside
This game will end with a wicked smile on my face


Not a great start, but the last two lines are head-and-shoulders above the rest.

I listen to every sound, I watch every move
I feed off the pleasure that awaits
In the blackened sky
I hold no fear inside
Vengeance is growing, vengeance is growing
Camouflage
I wait in my lodge
Vengeance is supreme to all humanity

Once again, okay but in this there is a total lack of imagery. Also you might consider changing "I wait in my lodge" to something less forced.

Crawling through bushes
Awaiting my victim
Seeking out the perfect plan to end a serpent's life
With no one knowing
The blood is flowing
My work is done, I'm on the run


Third line is very strong or at least seems like that because the rest of the stanza is rather weak.

I keep myself hidden, I quicken my pace
Must get rid of the human race
In the starry sky
All worries kept aside
Vengeance is slowing, vengeance is slowing
Born again
Victory is sweet
My vengeance is fulfilled
Task Complete

Bad ending. This is by far the worst stanza, mostly because it is so choppy.


It's okay. I am assuming you are in a metal band so you could pull it off. 5/10

[evh_maiden]

Not a great start, but the last two lines are head-and-shoulders above the rest.



Once again, okay but in this there is a total lack of imagery. Also you might consider changing "I wait in my lodge" to something less forced.



Third line is very strong or at least seems like that because the rest of the stanza is rather weak.



Bad ending. This is by far the worst stanza, mostly because it is so choppy.


It's okay. I am assuming you are in a metal band so you could pull it off. 5/10

Yea I'm in a metal band. Thanks for the crit.