New Piece; Need some feedback

[BrokenSaint]

Vacuity

There’s a door; a gateway
To the other side of town
forged in alleyways
of solid sweat
and anxious fumes

An aim exists, with the sole purpose
Of wielding horns to heavy to be worn

The coast is riding
along the sea,
detours from debris upon the sand
Their eyes are stapled open
wincing in the salt
of tumescent tides

A tale has been told
Concerning goats
that became fools
In light of evolution
and pleas of mutes

The gift was given
to all that reached the peak
investing pride
without consent
lacking concern

As the Road burns,
The tides turn
your glace shifts
Towards the green..

The coast is riding
along the sea,
detours from debris upon the sand
And the shore is up in flames
Cold steel pressing hard
To cut the legs out from under the beach.

[BrokenSaint]

Any and all feedback is appreciated. Crit for Crit (give links).

[Littlejohn]

Excellent. It really is very well written but since you want crits I will be picky:

1. I tried to sing this but the flow was kind of choppy. The best structure for this song would probably be a ballad so that you could stretch lines out so that it didn't sound choppy.

2. I know this is rather immature but the word "goat" could probably never be used seriously in any song. I read that line and almost choked. The stanza makes perfect sense but you may consider revising it.

3. Very good use of vocabulary, but always make sure that you aren't overdoing it. This piece is certainly fine, but I have read many poems/lyrics that were ruined because someone opened up a dictionary and plugged in words. (I have done it many times...)

Very solid song though! 9/10

[BrokenSaint]

thanks for the imput. I was trying to say goat as in scapegoat, but the latter made the flow very messy. I was unsure about that line as well. Thanks again.

[BrokenSaint]

dwnq (omg bump upsidedown!!)

[Necroses-bass]

i like the structure but the flow is a bit off, trying to sing it caught me in a very strange off beat rhythm
i really agre with littlejohn about his comments on the vocabulary

the word goat did put me off though lol.
probs an 8/10

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=346492

[BrokenSaint]

thanks, I'll crit yours sometime soon.

Edit: Did the crit (sorry it's not much)

[DeadReligion]

Sounds like a Pogues song...or a slow Real McKenzies one maybe...very good, i agree with the above statements.

[I AM CAT]

i liked how it stayed pretty smooth with the imagery and such and u didnt feel like u needed to rhyme but in the spots u did rhyme they were very good and felt antural and unforced good job i liked the piece myself and had no problem with the word goat cuz i knew u were referring to a scapegoat...