Stairs of Diamond

[kevbud187]

Awakened from another bad dream
Starring at my diamond staircase
Pondering why the edges gleam
Onto the ajar picture frames
Paint is stained
Where there’s a bare place
It wasn’t so long ago
These people I once knew had names

(Chorus)
Glaring at these diamond stairs
Glancing at the grains of you
Black and whites of those for whom I still care
And wondering what to do
My diamond stairs are now broken glass
Stuck in the picture frames from the past
(Chorus)

If you plant a black seed
In the wrong kind of soil
It will never escape
No matter how tall it grows
From its broken past lying
At its roots that are spoiled
And if it will ever blossom flowers
No one will ever know

(Chorus)
Glaring at these diamond stairs
Glancing at the grains of you
Black and whites of those for whom I still care
And wondering what to do
My diamond stairs are now broken glass
Stuck in the picture frames from the past
(Chorus)

If you drop a needle
On a diamond stair
You’ll be left stranded
At the top with no one
You’ll find the photographs you folded
Away won’t always be there
And sometimes you’ll find
Diamond stairs are just as easily undone
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

As always don't be too kind :lol:

[kevbud187]

No one? /bump

[Corupt2057]

first off I haven't read your piece yet but the title drew me in here so props on that

"I’m standing in a doorway
Starring down a staircase
Glancing to the walls"
not a good start at all I mean yeah we can see exactly what you are talking about but it is worded so plain and boring just re-write the beginning with something that isn't so obvious or plain

"These people I once knew had names"
this was bad a$s

"Black and whites" replace it

the last line of the chorus needs to be dropped and just end it with the 'past' line and by the way those last four lines sounded really good
and now I get the title very cool idea

"From its broken past lying" awkward; re-word

honestly I'm not liking the plant gorwing metaphor but that's just my opinion
"As pictures fall off the walls
And shatter at my feet"
you've already pretty much said this in the chorus you don't need to repeat it
over-all for the 2nd verse it wasn't that good..

"You’ll find the photographs you've folded
Away won’t always be there" 'away' this is contrasting with the line before andjust isn't good sense change that up

ok Im not understanding your ending I don't see what's the point with the needle

over-all I really liked your theme metaphor 'diamond stairs' very original
but this wasn't delivered as well as it could have been I think you need to do alot of refining on this and don't use filler 'plant talk' yeah take that crap out
one thing you could explore is talk about the pictures I mean you do but you never say and this is where our vacation was where you first broke my heart or soemthing along those lines but not lame like that just an idea
and say something about you walking up or down the stairs mention the sound of the glass breaking or you ripping pictures off the walls and something and while he's suppose to be ripping the pictures off the walls have him saying soemthing like 'and you infected that place too' or soemthing along those lines alright man I'm done with suggestions but the theme metaphor is awesome like I said but this just needs to be re-done

crit back cracker lol
The Burden of the Scythe (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=345465)

[Littlejohn]

With all this broken glass
From these stairs I thought were diamond
To the picture frames of the past
That I am looking beyond


diamond and beyond?

That rhyme is WAY too forced

Crying tears that cascade
Down these stairs


OOOOOOOOH! i like.

Like these memories I had of you
But nobody cares
And these stupid mistakes
I try not to repeat


These lines ruined that stanza. So blantantly emo.


All in all, very good. Not a strong start and the chorus is by far the best part of the song. So...7.5/10

If you crit me I will love you. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=346801

[Necroses-bass]

fully agrees with corupt,
gd theme, not delivered very well.
but i'm not gonna lower my self to your standard saying it was **** because i don't like the style

[kevbud187]

fully agrees with corupt,
gd theme, not delivered very well.
but i'm not gonna lower my self to your standard saying it was **** because i don't like the style

Look I never said it was sh'it I said Why are you wasting peoples time with this by posting a link in the replies section of Lyrical Challenges. You should have just typed '123' and quoted Corupt2057 if you agreed with him.

[Necroses-bass]

ok i take it back
the reason why i posted it in lyrical challenges is because the better poets of the forum see it, and they are tougher with the crits

[kevbud187]

ok i take it back
the reason why i posted it in lyrical challenges is because the better poets of the forum see it, and they are tougher with the crits
thank you for having a vaild reson :lol: most people just say 'because'

[ABulldog]

Awakened again from a deja vu dream
Starring at my diamond staircase
Pondering why the edges gleam
Onto the ajar picture frames
Paint is stained
Where there’s a bare place
It wasn’t so long ago
These people I once knew had names

I'm glad, you don't like kind comments because I ripped your last one too shreds.... well, the first verse anyway. I haven't read this one yet, but I will now...
First part= awesome.
Oh, ok, there's picture frames in the bare place, but what people? Maybe try to reference that there was people in their before and not assume that we knew that picture frames always have pictures of people.... but all in all, this is starting to sound great... my style of song.... **** deja vu.... I get it all the time. They actually think that when you get it you are actually having a minor stroke and that a certain part in your brain records actual events that you are seeing and thinks you have seen them before by processing it differently as a result from the stroke... but not all deja vu can be explained, I know mine can't.

(Chorus)
Glaring at these diamond stairs
Glancing at the grains of you
Black and whites of those for whom I still care
And wondering what to do
My diamond stairs are now broken glass
Stuck in the picture frames from the past

I don't like the repetition of the diamond stairs. You started off the first verse with that and by doing the chorus twice you are starting to sound very repetitious.... plus, you reference the diamond stairs again in the chorus. I would take out both in the chorus, especially the first and mention something about how diamonds are virtually unbreakable, but yours seem to have broken
(Chorus)

If you plant a black seed
In the wrong kind of soil
It will never escape
No matter how tall it grows
From its broken past lying
At its roots that are spoiled
And if it will ever blossom flowers
No one will ever know

You lost your flow. I also don't like the metaphor here. Use it for a different song and try to stay indoors. It isn't good on the brain to go from a staircase to a garden.

(Chorus)
Glaring at these diamond stairs
Glancing at the grains of you
Black and whites of those for whom I still care
And wondering what to do
My diamond stairs are now broken glass
Stuck in the picture frames from the past
(Chorus)

If you drop a needle
On a diamond stair
You’ll be left stranded
At the top with no one
You’ll find the photographs you folded
Away won’t always be there
And sometimes you’ll find
Diamond stairs are just as easily undone

See you reference the diamond stairs again. If you do it in your chorus it will be very overused by this point. I don't recommend changing it here, but to only change it in the chorus. Kinda of a bad exit. Diamond stairs are undone? Maybe think of a different ending for the last two lines.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

As always don't be too kind :lol:
I still liked the overall song. If you changed the chorus a bit and the second verse to fit with the song, then I would probably make this a 9/10.

[kevbud187]

This is the last time I'm going to bump this

[SubtleDagger]

"Deja vu dream" is a complete Thrice ripoff. I find it hard to believe you didn't steal it.

[freestyle1k86]

"Good musicians imitate; great musicians steal."

[Corupt2057]

well it's a little better atleast you're working on it
return my crits, lazy

[kevbud187]

"Deja vu dream" is a complete Thrice ripoff. I find it hard to believe you didn't steal it.

what song? the only song that I have on my comp by thrice is stare into the sun. If it is a rip off I'll edit it out no big deal.

EDIT: Looked up that lyric on azlyrics and its on a song call 'Deadbolt'? Necer even heard of it. I downloadeded it and it seriously does have that same begining. weird. w/e no biggy.

[Daven]

its a good piece

[kevbud187]

its a good piece

Thank for that! It was extremely helpful.