need feedback

[Necroses-bass]

I randomly wrote a bit on 'revelation' (end of days)
not satisfied with it, can you please give me some feedback


Seven Bowls of Wrath

Wars in heaven
Angels and the dragon
Satan lost place in Elysium
And cast to the lands of man

His angels sent with him

The beast from the sea
came amongst and said

"He who has an ear, let him hear.
If anyone is to go in captivity,
Into captivity he will go.
If any one is to be killed,
with the sword he will be killed"

The beast from the earth
Exercised the authority of the first
and made man worship him
marked men with
Six six six

a loud voice is heard,
"Go pour out the seven bowls,
God's wrath upon earth."

One
The marked men crawled in pain
red sores on their skin

Two
oceans turned red,
beings of the sea died

Three
River and spring follow,
thirst is caused.

Four
The sun grew,
Scorched man boiled their blood

Five
the beast was cast into darkness
his throne and realm were cast with him

Six
The beast, False prophet and Satan
Gathered men at Armageddon

seven
An earthquake rumbled
split the city in three and collapsed


as you can see there is a lot of room for improvement

By the way i am in no way religious.

Cheers

[Hard_Rocker_Revived]

I randomly wrote a bit on 'revelation'
not satisfied with it, can you please give me some feedback


Revelation

Wars in heaven
Michael and the dragon
Satan lost place in Elysium
And cast to the lands of man

His angels sent with him

The beast from the sea
came amongst and said

"He who has an ear, let him hear.
If anyone is to go in captivity,
Into captivity he will go.
If any one is to be killed,
with the sword he will be killed"

The beast from the earth
Exercised the authority of the first
and made man worship him
marked man
Six six six

a loud voice is heard,
"Go pour out the seven bowls,
God's wrath upon earth."

One
The marked men crawled in pain
red sores on their skin

Two
oceans turned red,
beings of the sea died

Three
River and spring follow,
thirst is caused.

Four
The sun grew,
Scorched man boiled their blood

Five
the beast was cast into darkness
his throne and realm were cast with him

Six
The beast, False prophet and Satan
Gathered men at Armageddon

seven
An earthquake rumbled
split the city in three and collapsed


as you can see there is a lot of room for improvement

By the way i am in no way religious.

Cheers

Neither am I, so I have no idea what the hell that was about.

[kevbud187]

I cannot believe you are stupid enough to waste time and post a link in the Lyrical Challenges Section of the forums. Now I can see if you wrote some kind of masterpiece that surpassed even " A Funneral For A Friend" but this is just some average death scribblings.

If you aren't banned I might crit your song if that wasn't suffice to realize it is not good and it needs work.

[Necroses-bass]

urm doesn't it clearly say that it does need a lot of improvement, which is why someone would post lyrics here.
your opinion i'm gonna leave it at that....

[NoHero9]

I rather like it, and I agree that there is room for improvement. It sort of reminds me just a little bit of Diadems, by Megadeth, but does not openly take from it, pretty good stuff, I would like to read more of your work. as of now, 8/10 put some work into it and I think it will be swell.

[ABulldog]

If you're not religious then stay away from religion. It will come back to haunt you, especially if you truly understand what you are talking about.

I liked the how you did the 1,2,3 part, but I didn't like the first verse when you gave specific names. I would write more metaphorically for that part. Paint the picture better of what is too come later.

[BrokenSaint]

I liked this a lot. Nothing really specific to say though. You took a topic that has been done many times before and took some new angles to it (the numbers, one two three.. was really great, I can get the rhythm in my head). For not being religious you seem to be very well educated on the subject. One thing that bothered me, the third stanza (the one in quotes) has a weird repetion in it that ruins the flow (captivity is repeated along with killed). Other than that it was a good read, and flowed nicely.

[NoHero9]

agreed.

[Necroses-bass]

I liked this a lot. Nothing really specific to say though. You took a topic that has been done many times before and took some new angles to it (the numbers, one two three.. was really great, I can get the rhythm in my head). For not being religious you seem to be very well educated on the subject. One thing that bothered me, the third stanza (the one in quotes) has a weird repetion in it that ruins the flow (captivity is repeated along with killed). Other than that it was a good read, and flowed nicely.

the thing is, I love the aspect of religion but i also have a strong interest in science and therefore can't believe in a God

the quoted part in the third stanza just like the rest of the quotes are quotes from the bible.

[BrokenSaint]

oh.. I see. I need to e-mail the guy who wrote the bible and tell him he needs to flow better. Wonder if he'll crit me back (or smite me)

[TheOpeningAct101]

i cant see this as a very good song. an alright poem maybe, but some revisions wouldnt hurt. 4/10

[ABulldog]

the thing is, I love the aspect of religion but i also have a strong interest in science and therefore can't believe in a God

the quoted part in the third stanza just like the rest of the quotes are quotes from the bible.
you're dumb. You believe in Science, therefore you can't believe in religion.

[TheOpeningAct101]

religon is a very genral and loss term. i am guessing that we are talking about catholicism/christianity, and i belive ABulldog is refering to creation theory and what not. but it is very possible to "believe" in science and "believe" in religon. i personally think bulldog, its tiring hearing your uneducated rantings and bashings. but all that aside, science and religomn are very much connected, intertwined if you must. and who are you to tell people what they believe in. anyways, "god" can mean many diffrent things to many diffrent people. i cant speak for anyone else, but i belive science is an evovled form of religon. the base of religon is to try and eplain the unknown. example, the anciant greek, roman and pagan gods explain nature and why things are the way they are while most modren religons focus more on death. now, is that not far from science. i personally am a humanist. i beleive in things how they are, which is a bases of science. but still i belive, not in a diety, that "god" is a metaphor for steps towards evolution. i am going to stop rambling now, sorry i get carried away sometimes.

[Necroses-bass]

you're dumb. You believe in Science, therefore you can't believe in religion.
what i meant with that was that lots of things are proven wrong by science, but there are lots of things which agree with eachother.
The real reason i'm not religious i will never know, it just doesn't feel right for me.

Anyway i really appreciate the crits, but can people give suggestions on how to change it. This is for the last track on our album and we want to involve the public a bit

[ABulldog]

what i meant with that was that lots of things are proven wrong by science, but there are lots of things which agree with eachother.
The real reason i'm not religious i will never know, it just doesn't feel right for me.

Anyway i really appreciate the crits, but can people give suggestions on how to change it. This is for the last track on our album and we want to involve the public a bit
do i get my name on the album?

[Necroses-bass]

everything we use which is not created by us will be mentioned and the author will be mention (if he/she wishes)