My New Song Called CHicken

[freestyle1k86]

Chicken


They poked at me
They called me names, It's all the same

They joked at me
All the time, THey thought it's fine

They choked me
As if I was a toy, they laughed with joy

They broke me

While I was broken in half
You were watching me

As the rest would just laugh
You did nothing

And I knew what you think
Then you disappeared after I blinked


I was hurt
Physically and mentally

A dagger was plunged right into me
LIterally

My heart
was bleeding inside
You saw me just once and you went off to hide

I knew you
ANd I knew

that you knew me
you expressed your feelings right through me

but you did nothing to help
More than anybody I want you to go to hell

I'll be watching you
shining onto you light

I want the guilt creeping
upon you in the middle of the night

I want you to see my picture
after my death

and look right away
and want you to confess

to the world
but more to yourself

that you could have
but you didn't help

and so with that note
I say goodbye

Hope you have a friend
to watch you die

[freestyle1k86]

Any crit?

[squirrlemaster7]

i thought it was good im guessing its a bout someone picking or bullying someone else and they kill them i thought the ryming was good in some place a lil bit forced i give it a 7.5 out of 10 theres always room for inprovement

[freestyle1k86]

Yeah. Thanks for the feedback. The rhyme scheme is kind of odd when on paper. if you hear it being sung it would make more sense.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

We don't take too kindly to joke songs in these here parts.

[freestyle1k86]

We don't take too kindly to joke songs in these here parts.
How is it a joke song?

And also, not all joke songs are bad. One of the greatest songwriters of all time, Frank Zappa, made many many "joke songs".

[DeadReligion]

and Jello Biafra did too...he is awesome. This song reminds me of...me for the last seven years, course i obviously wasnt killed by the bully...7.5/10. Only thing is, the choked at me line doesnt make a whole lot of sense to me...

[ABulldog]

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm....... Chicken...................

[freestyle1k86]

Chicken is an overrated form of meat. Wait, it's not even meat, it's poultry.

[Necroses-bass]

chickens piss me off, i work with poultry and the smell of the bastards is starting to make me sick now.
anyway, your song is strange but i quite like strange things 7/10
its a shame you broke the repetition of the word 'me'.
maybe bring it back into it, the repetition gives the listener something familiar which keeps interest.

can someone crit this:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=346492

[ABulldog]

Dude, you are so wrong... not about it being poultry... Chicken breast is the only overrated form of meat. I mean it costs around $5.99 per pound for the breast meat... What's funny is that it is the blandest part of the bird. It has almost no taste. The rest of the chicken you can find for about 89 cents per pound... now that isn't being overrated... besides there is a million chicken dishes out there... You can cook it in several ways... And fried chicken is like tasting a part of heaven.

[freestyle1k86]

Dude, you are so wrong... not about it being poultry... Chicken breast is the only overrated form of meat. I mean it costs around $5.99 per pound for the breast meat... What's funny is that it is the blandest part of the bird. It has almost no taste. The rest of the chicken you can find for about 89 cents per pound... now that isn't being overrated... besides there is a million chicken dishes out there... You can cook it in several ways... And fried chicken is like tasting a part of heaven.
Okay you're right. Fried chicken is delicious.

My song?

[Necroses-bass]

Dude, you are so wrong... not about it being poultry... Chicken breast is the only overrated form of meat. I mean it costs around $5.99 per pound for the breast meat... What's funny is that it is the blandest part of the bird. It has almost no taste. The rest of the chicken you can find for about 89 cents per pound... now that isn't being overrated... besides there is a million chicken dishes out there... You can cook it in several ways... And fried chicken is like tasting a part of heaven.

of course the breast is more expensive, the rest has bones so less meat.
Chicken on its own is boring, put it in a stew with bacon and carrots yummy.
but isn't this thread about the song not about how boring poultry can be