15 miles

[IOWNU200]

alright, this is my latest piece. I may add another verse in here later, but here's what I've got right now. I'll return all crits, just leave a link.

15 miles

Verse 1

Please just give me something to hold on to
And I swear I'll give you everything
I can sense you're too scared to commit now
but don't be afraid to get too close

You say you're concerned with goodbyes
You know this doesn't have to be the end
Break down the borders that divide us
15 miles is never too far for you

Chorus

So hold out you hand and I'll take it with mine
Don't ever be too scared to love
Please don't consider the goodbye while I'm still here
You know I don't ever have to leave

Verse 2

The harder I try to move closer
Seems the harder you push me away
Should I step back and wait for this to end?
I thought you said "let our feelings collide"

Backing away along with you
The more you give the more I give too
It's a hot/cold game we play
In my arms can't you just stay?

[sopborste]

I think it was too obvious and a little bit boring, for my taste. I, personally, had a "hard" time reading it because of what I said. Althought it isn't bad.

So, I think you should make it less obvious and more interesting.
I hope I helped at something.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=346068
if you want to.

[Necroses-bass]

i agree,

can anyone read and crit mine
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8046978#post8046978

[Corupt2057]

I'm not going to break this down stanza for stanza because nothing really stands out as a problem or not enough to say about each stanza
"let our feelings collide" reminding me of Howie Day
but that's not a problem the problem is I don't think it's personal enough
try saying it like 'You said "Darlin', just let our feelings collide"'
'hot/cold' not liking that try using 'bittersweet'
ok everything is decent but I think you could put alot more emotion into this is you changed the perspective right now you have it in 1st person I think you need to change it to 3rd person using the he said she said your vocals would carry it out and would just be a fricking chiller anyways this is the 3rd song you've written lately with basically the same kinda theme 'a girl leaving you' I don't want to say it's getting boring or anything because the emotion I get out of your pieces has always been awesome but it's getting predictable and I'm feeling very reluctant to want to read another piece with this same theme so right about soemthing else next time! lol no but seriously try and turn it into a 3rd person just save two different ones and rewrite it into a 3rd person and see which works better that's what I do sometimes

thanks for the crit on my burden of the scythe and I like your compliment on me always having an original topic I thought that was awesome to hear I really appreciate it
by the way you have a band well do you have any of your recordings up on the net so that I can check ya'll out or anything?

[IOWNU200]

yeah, you're right i re-evaluated this and realized it sucked, will try and make this better, but sorry for wasting your guys' time

[sopborste]

You didnt waste our time