i wrote a song... need help...

[zfmt]

Im not sure what to call it. Its kinda sad. I was thinking i would just name it "You will never again belong" but i wasnt sure. can you help with the name?

An old homeless man speaks softly into a payphone.
He asks his working class children why they left him alone.
He tells them they finaly destroyed him.
He tells them where they came from.

Their words rip out his broken heart.
They tell him he isn't needed,
and the world wants him gone.

World wants you gone!
World wants you gone!
World wants you gone!
You will never belong!

He reminds them of when he moved sidways through life.
To feed them and when they need him, he was there.
They are heartless and they dont care,
because they are unaware, they will one day be there too.

He winpers.
His tears burn
Deep into his soul.
His children's hearts are black as coal.

The kids hang up the phone.
He is left alone.
Their father crawls slowly in a dark corner.
He drinks himself to sleep.
With no food to eat.

World wants you gone!
World wants you gone!
World wants you gone!
You will never belong!

He realises he is in over his head.
No one cares if he is alive or dead.
His scars are deep.
And his heart beats slowly.
He knows no one cares for him,
no one is aware of him.

[zfmt]

o, in the corus i meant to put:
The world wants you gone

and i would like to know if there is anything a backup singer should say. i was thinking sonething like:

World wants you gone!
(Go)
World wants you gone!
(Now)
World wants you gone!
(Now)
You will never belong!
(You should be gone)

[Hardest_Rocker]

utter crap. try again.

[zfmt]

thanks

[Nightvision]

utter crap. try again.

get the hell out of this forum.

[zfmt]

me?

[Nightvision]

no.... that was why I quoted him.

D'oh.

[zfmt]

o ok
btw: i dont mean to keep bumping the thread

[sopborste]

It was decent, but I think the first line was very good. Had a good image and the line had a nice flow.

Maybe you should try to continue working with it. Make a new notepad and copy it so you dont distroy the original if you wanna go back.

I know it's not much for a crit, but anyway :)

[mosher902]

it was a good start then it just kinda lost and the words died a bit. to be honest i hated the chorus (just contructive crit). mabye try some imagry (like the first line) and rythmic patters or do what i do alot read the song over and over but don't sing it and just see what words come to mind

[zfmt]

ok, well, i tried to make a better corus and this is what i came up with: (in the song there will be distorsion (sp?) on the mic so it will sound like the telephone call)

How could you just leave me here?
(We dont care about you.)
I kept you safe for years.
(And what do you want me to do?)
I need you to give me a home and family.
(Why should we do that?)
Because we are blood and i am lonely.

[zfmt]

bump

[BrokenSaint]

Sorry I don't have time to write something more extensive. You had a good idea, but the flow gets interrupted often. The first two stanzas are very good, but after that everything goes down hill. I see the effect you're going for with the repetition of "The world wants you gone", the only problem is that it doesn't fit this piece. The beginning has a great storyteller lyric feel only to be intercepted by this repetition. I don't think you did a bad job here, however I do think that you had a good concept and then tried to rush your work when you had run out of ideas. I liked it overall, I'm looking forward to reading more.

[ABulldog]

The way you re-did the chorus makes this sad song, not so sad anymore. It sounds stupid... the chorus I mean.