Untitled (please crit)

[panthersfan16]

[Intro]
Come in through my eyes and penetrate my mind.
You dressed yourself in my brain, and opened the floodgates of pain

[Chorus]
You're an infection that spreads through me.
I feel your presence through the darkness and cold

[Verse]
You're laugh is addictive, you're smile, vindictive
You're gaze rises rage in my heart
Match my humility, with your hostility
The time will come when you fall

[Chorus]
You're an infection that spreads through me.
I feel your presence through the darkness and cold

[Verse]
I stumbled into your warm embrace
and I looked into your eyes.
Blame it on my fascination...with abomination
There's a burn in my chest, and a sting on my face, when I see you.

[Verse]
She existed in me...
A figment of imagination
"Where the hell you wanna go?"
Down the path of self annhiliation

[Outro...slowly fading]
She exists, only in me...

__________________________________________________ _________

This is meant to be a song. It started out as a metal song, but I am growing on the idea of making it acoustic (thanks to my recent listening of Vermillion Pt.2) It's my first attempt at writing...break it down, tell me what you think, any help and crit is greatly appreciated. Thanks

Edit- I thought I was done, but I caught some inspiration and finished, I feel much better about it now. Can I get some crit from anyone?

[panthersfan16]

bump

[panthersfan16]

are people afraid of an untitled song or what??? cant i get some crit from anyone?

[panthersfan16]

bump?

[Deception]

I liked it kinda.. I'm a sucker for songs about heart break for some reason because I can really connect to them on a different level, especially now. I'm going to assume this is about the girlfriend you mention in my thread, let me just say I'm sorry.. so yeah, any how.. enough of the gay soap opera ****.

Deffinately put this badboy into an acoustic song, I'm sorry, but this would just make a horrible metal-type song. It's hard to say.. some parts of this song seem natural and flow well.. on other parts it does seemed forced at times. Maybe you should switch things up a bit?

In any case, good job. 8/10

[kevbud187]

The dreaded triple bump was used on this thread! :amaze: I must crit this it is despirate. First off thanks for the crit on "Every Lie Dies" I was amazed that someone would go back so far to crit that!

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Come in through my eyes and penetrate my mind.
You dressed yourself in my brain, and opened the floodgates of pain

[I]After reading throught the whole song a tense change occurs. This could be avoid by changing lines to such things as: "You came in through my eyes and penetrated my mind. " Also the intro might need another line to possibly rhyme with the first.

[Chorus]
You're an infection that spreads through me.
I feel your presence through the darkness and cold

You might want to add a line or two more of description to the chorus it gives the reader a more comformtable liking to the song and gives more imagery.

[Verse]
You're laugh is addictive, you're smile, vindictive
You're gaze rises rage in my heart
Match my humility, with your hostility
The time will come when you fall

Throughout the song it is much easier on the eyes if you format as follows:

You're laugh is addictive,
you're smile, vindictive
You're gaze rises rage in my heart
Match my humility,
with your hostility
The time will come when you fall

I picked this verse to make the suggestion because it is the best out of any of the others

[Chorus]
You're an infection that spreads through me.
I feel your presence through the darkness and cold

[Verse]
I stumbled into your warm embrace
and I looked into your eyes.
Blame it on my fascination...with abomination
There's a burn in my chest, and a sting on my face, when I see you.

The third line seems rather forced but at the same time is a vital line in getting across a point. Possibly lenghten that line and it will smooth out the rough edges.

[Verse]
She existed in me...
A figment of imagination
"Where the hell you wanna go?"
Down the path of self annhiliation

Again 2 & 4 seem forced. And line four is rather akward unless sung as a question adding to the quote above it in line three.

[Outro...slowly fading]
She exists, only in me...

Excellent ending

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As you said in the crit of my song "Less is more" I think the exact opposite for this song. i think you should harness description as well as susinctness.