Grow Old But Die Young. HAIKU. CRIT FOR CRIT

[bisnotch]

Ok I have never really attempted haiku seriously before. It was actually quite interesting once I started reading into it. Ok, so here is my piece. Weird concept, haiku's have evolved randomly and sperraticly in the years past into basically 17 syllable words to live by organized into 5-7-5 syllable lines. Now what I did, I told a story of a man, from birth to death, the first part of his life is 5 haikus, the second part seven and the last, you guessed it, 5. I don't really know what inspired me to do this. Tell me what you guys think. If you have any questions please ask. I really don't know if I'm going to get absolutely flamed or not.

Grow Old But Die Young

Birth is a defect
Life, liberty, happiness
Quite unrealistic

Infant years the best
Taken care of by the worst
Very realistic

The skill of walking
A great asset to quitters
Avoid your problems

A mouth full of words
Spent on useless arguments
Is a waste of breath

Adolescence nears
A little boy in limelight
Reaches for something

________________________

Gasping for nothing
Just short of his vivid dreams
Completely stranded

Loneliness broadens
Unlike the bleak horizons
Realization found

A life as empty
As the bottle just finished
Find the last few drops

Drinking is release
Clocks spin except for the hands
Time has stopped; pass out

Prepubescence ends
Maturity rocks the boat
Capsizing whats left

Unstable standards
Stagnancy staying at heart
Tearing us apart

Love doesn't exist
Superficiality
I'm too poor for this

________________________

Quiet surfaces
Wonders of what lies within
Original sin

Let me hear you speak
You're an insomniacs dream
You lull me asleep

Suffer silently
lashing out too violently
Mind aneurysm

Middle age becomes
A new desired old age
Why live past forty

Subtlety screaming
Whispered prayers to deaf ears
Death is the cure.

There it is. Have at it. Of course, this is crit for crit. Leave a link and I will try to get back as soon as I can. This computer has been a little ****ty lately, I'll do my best though.

[Corupt2057]

I'll get this back with a full crit when I have time it is kind of late but I just want to say the ideas you have in here and the wording with all the restrictions was very well done so props for that but I'll get back to this

[Corupt2057]

dude this is purely sweet you could take almost everyone one of these stanzas and turn them into a tip of the day or daily advice thing in a news paper or on some kind of website I mean it is just to awesome how you address something and give a judgement or an answer to it in such a restricted word usage
honestly there isn't much to say but let me pick out my favorite stanzas

"Infant years the best
Taken care of by the worst
Very realistic

The skill of walking
A great asset to quitters
Avoid your problems

A mouth full of words
Spent on useless arguments
Is a waste of breath"

"A life as empty
As the bottle just finished
Find the last few drops"

"Love doesn't exist
Superficiality
I'm too poor for this"

"Let me hear you speak
You're an insomniacs dream
You lull me asleep

Suffer silently
lashing out too violently
Mind aneurysm

Middle age becomes
A new desired old age
Why live past forty"

ok all of these seperately remind me of the kind of message you would get from a horoscope it's so general but it applies it meaning perfectly and is thought provoking
but yeah I think you should try to get these seperately into a e-mail thought for the day kind of thing it would be very cool

[kevbud187]

finally S&L folks are trying a new form of poetry. You are a pioneer my friend. i'll crit u a lil later.

[bisnotch]

Hey there corrupt, thank you for such praise. Unfortuantely I am having trouble getting crits. Also, I wanted to see how I would do in the lyricist poll but I haven't gotten nominated. I probably wouldn't rank at all but am just curious. If you think it was good enough for nomination, please act on it. Anyways, thanks again for your crit, or compliments I should say. You really didn't point out anything wrong which I will take as a good thing. If you want to take a look at some more of your pieces I'd be glad to.

[PoWaToM]

I actually really like this. I've tried haiku before, but mostly just pissing around when I'm bored. Nice poem though, very thought provoking.

[bisnotch]

last bump

[metaliq]

Hmm... interesting...

"Birth is a defect
Life, liberty, happiness
Quite unrealistic

Infant years the best
Taken care of by the worst
Very realistic"

----- I may have read this too fast... which I think I did. But the realistic part seemed to soon. Maybe if you would have put another stanza in between these two it would have been more evenly spaced. But yea, other than that, I like where this is going.

"The skill of walking
A great asset to quitters
Avoid your problems

A mouth full of words
Spent on useless arguments
Is a waste of breath

Adolescence nears
A little boy in limelight
Reaches for something"

--- You really cant find fault in poetry, let alone Haiku. Hmm... I liked the last verse the best, specifically the last line, because it let on to a continuing story.


... to be continued (it will be another bump :P )

[freestyle1k86]

I like the ideas being presented here. I'm just not a big fan of haiku. It seems to be such a limiting format. Of course then you could have multiple stanzas. Try to take all those haikus and compress them into one haiku.

[bisnotch]

ressurection