Vitamins: A Lie

[metaliq]

___|Vitamins: A Lie


It was the kind of day
When you could see the outline
Of raindrops on the dashboard
That silhouette polices my memory

We rolled the windows down
The heat would pour onto us
As we would pour onto each other
Water dampened our conversation
The windows went up, and we continued on

Hun, dear, darling...
Your pet names never suited me well
An ivory ring still reminds me
Of something I should not have forgot

I think I can still trace the lines of your palm
From your wrist to your finger tips
They never were symmetric
Asymmetrical in beauty

The white ones were your favorite flowers
Followed by pink, then red
I swear they looked prettier in your hair
Or even in your hands
Either way they stressed you, and still do
Too bad cairns don't have eyes

[Dancin' Man]

Alright, been a while since I've done this but since you asked...

First off, I dislike the use of the word 'polices'. It isn't strong enough, if that makes sense. I'd either like something slightly more vague and less militaristic, or much more so. Not sure what you'd change to achieve that but something that makes you think of marching and gestapo and such is where I'd take it.

Next, the third stanza annoys me, at least the first two lines. I understand what you want to say, but it is too casual sounding and makes a bad contrast with the rest of the piece. Note, forgot or forgotten?

Fourth stanza is the opposite. I loike the first two lines but the last two feel uninspired, like you ran out of things to say, or at least a way to say them. Maybe a play on words would work well there "Never were symmetric/Asymmetric beauty". Up to you.

Last stanza. The last line wins. Give the whole piece much more meaning. It goes from being fairly trite to something a little deeper. Still, nothing mind boggling or Earth shaking, but at least a little tremor.

Overall, it was pretty good, coming from someone who has written very few lyrics recently. The ending was a relief as it made the point that this isn't some lame love song about backseat sex. The third stanza I feel is the weakest point overall.

[xKONRADx]

as a whole i liked the idea and especially the end. i wish there was some sort of flow to it though, that is definately lacking. i like how you need to pay attention to get the story line, but its not beyond anyones abiltiy to find out. the line that ends with forgot should at least end with forgotten, it makes more sense i think. but really the only complaint is that its just like reading. no flow, rhythm or rhyme. i just dont know what to do. i dont get the title though. please explain.

EDIT: sorry my crits suck compared to other people ^^^

[Corupt2057]

It was the kind of day
When you could see the outline
Of raindrops on the dashboard
That silhouette polices my memory

hmm you say day.. but then in the next stanza you're talking about backseat sex which out of common sense usually happens at nig, so.. maybe you could change it to night to add a little inner rhyme with the next line and just clear that up a bit.. anyways the imagery of the outline of raindrops on the dashboard was very cool reminded me of a night i was drunk staring at them lol anyways I don't like the use of polices either maybe you can use a synonym.. good opening

We rolled the windows down
The heat would pour onto us
As we would pour onto each other
Water dampened our conversation
The windows went up, and we continued on

umm.. I think you need to do some re-arranging in this stanza more the water line up one or take it out other than that the wholke pour on each other I didn't think was that good.. maybe you could make a play off the heat pouring in like saying you two melted on one another or something along that thought but not that particular word 'melted'

Hun, dear, darling...
Your pet names never suited me well
An ivory ring still reminds me
Of something I should not have forgot

I like the first two lines but I think you need to add to the first to fill it out maybe do it like "Hun then dear but always darling" the alliteration sounds pretty good
the ivory ring makes me think of a condom ring.. bad picture.. hopefully too many people won't picture that I just have the backseat sex theme still going on..

I think I can still trace the lines of your palm
From your wrist to your finger tips
They never were symmetric
Asymmetrical in beauty

I liked it all up until the last line.. it's just how you said it maybe you could say
"asymmetrical defines your beauty"

The white ones were your favorite flowers
Followed by pink, then red
I swear they looked prettier in your hair
Or even in your hands
Either way they stressed you, and still do
Too bad cairns don't have eyes

I like how you said 'the white ones' and left the exact flower out of the picture brings to mind you and your girl being at a florist shop and you say pick and she says the white ones.. basically it was just worded good because it was realistic
all the other lines were good
last line hmm I guess she died bummer.. I honestly thought you would have played on the old saying of the blood runs in the roses on your grave or something along those lines just not so gruesome.. might want to give it a thought

over-all it has realistic imagery and wording which I really liked because anyone can easily relate to it on even the smallest level but I just think you can pep it up a bit with a different ending or a different saying for the ending.. anyways don't take my suggestions the wrong way those are just my opinions and I doubt you'll use them but it's just an idea I thought I could leave ya with

drop a crit on mine if you don't mind
The Burden of the Scythe (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=345465)

[bisnotch]

Wow, this song seemed pretty friggin relaxed considering the words you used. I don't really have any changes to suggest. The only thing I didn't like was the symmetric and asymmetric thing. I just didn't like that they were so close together. Another thing I think could use some help is the last stanza. It seems lacking compared to the previous portion of the piece. It was a let down from the rest of it in my opinion. I do not say that meanly, I just think you ended on a very bland and vanilla note. Maybe that was your intentions but I always prefer to go out with a bang. The title, no idea where that came from at all. It just seems like the first three stanzas came to you and you tried forcing out the last two. Maybe its the wording or something but there is definitely something different. Overall, I loved it. You used beautiful imagery, vocabulary, and flow. The words seemed to roll off my tongue and I found myself out of breath because I just kept wanting to say more. I would say this is one of the best I've seen on the forum in awhile. Congrats. I guess that's why you got nominated. Crit mine when ya get a chance.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8028842#post8028842

[Sloth]

I'm just going to be annoying and agree with Corupt.
If I see another piece of yours later, I'll be sure to actually crit that.
Consider this a bump

[metaliq]

Thanks for the crits guys. I should be able to get them back to you tommorow night once I get home.

Ever been forced to go camp before? Haha.

More are welcome. :)

[xKONRADx]

u R kool

[Zjanarhi]

I may think too literate to suppose it was about backseat sex, but if it was, you sure sugar-coated it really well.:D I thought it was more of a poem than a song, but no biggie. I would think of it more as a song if it rhymed and had a stronger sense of fluidity. But it's cool. 9/10. A real crit on My Favorite Nightmare would be nice:D

[bisnotch]

when you thinkin of gettin those crits back?

[RollerQueen]

It's definitely "forgotten." Learn your tenses, buddy. You've earned a 10-minute wall sit for that infraction.

Thanks for stealing my "night drive" motif, albeit with some alterations. Overall, this is good, so I'll focus on pointing out the weaker parts rather than praising you too much. Leave that to the less cynical ones.

Corupt is mostly dead-on. In your description of the flowers, it would be fitting to have a basis of comparison, a place that merits them being prettier in her hair or hands. As it is, it's a bit vague, and I had to stifle my impulses to letterbomb you. "Polices" is definitely the wrong word, "Asymmetrical in beauty" is a stanza-weakening line, and the "Hun, dear, darling" part could use some retooling. As a whole, the piece is a bit too cerebral. Where's the part where one of you slits his or her wrists? You know the rules of the forum as well as I do, pal. x/y.

[Corupt2057]

Where's the part where one of you slits his or her wrists? You know the rules of the forum as well as I do, pal. x/y.
I just have to let you know that made me bust out laughing

[metaliq]

K, sorry - im doing crits now. We went up to some camping place for the weekend and yeah, so I am here now, and getting on it :). Thanks for the crits.

Corupt - Dan only says that because I said that about his songs ;).