Heaven's Hell Bent(first draft crits please)

[EmergencyRoom]

Hey all,
Thanks for any crits in advance, just a quick idea i came up with, il crit for crit seen as i havent been on in a while anyway.


Heaven’s Hell Bent

Verse 1

Sing a song of sorrow's past,
The soul leaps from your eyes
In the smudged looking glass,
Pain creases your head
And closes your eyes,
This first taste of lost love
Stings strong with surprise

Chorus

Look here; come see what I’ve done
Good intentions pave hell's path
No good deed goes unpunished
And I guess no one has the last laugh,
But smiles all round, and a knife in my back
Too many to curse, too little to thank
Salt filled drops of hurt not regret
Speed me on my way coz heaven's hell-bent

Verse 2

Dream on, dream long
For times still to pass
Cry your tears, cry for years
For times moving too fast
Looking back on your fears
You had nothing to lose
Regret tinged nostalgia
For when you had nothing to prove

Chorus

Look here; come see what I’ve done
Good intentions pave hell's path
No good deed goes unpunished
And I guess no one has the last laugh,
But smiles all round, and a knife in my back
Too many to curse, too little to thank
Salt filled drops of hurt not regret
Speed me on my way coz heaven's hell-bent

Verse 3

How can you say, I had my own ends?
All vie ever done, is try to make amends,
Those before me who didn’t care
Who ripped out your heart,
And gave you cold soulless stares
I’ve ended up as hated as them
When all I ever wanted was another best friend


Bridge

Outside the snow falls
Mixing with the rain,
The fire inside
Heats me again,
I’m not giving up for misjudgements sake,
I'll keep at this forever,
Or until my back breaks

Chorus

Look here; come see what I’ve done
Good intentions pave hell's path
No good deed goes unpunished
And I guess no one has the last laugh,
But smiles all round, and a knife in my back
Too many to curse, too little to thank
Salt filled drops of hurt not regret
Speed me on my way coz heaven's hell-bent

[TheOpeningAct101]

Verse 1

i really like how you worded this verse, but the third line needs some smoothing out. other than that pretty good.


Chorus

its alright, but the fourth line i feel needs to be reworded to fit the rythme of the rest of the chorus.


Verse2

i really like this verse. i see it being your chorus insted of 1 verse, but what ever.
i like how you make rymeswithout making it look like you were trying.


Verse 3

it starts of a little weak but gets strong at the end. considre rewording the first couple of lines, i really liked the end of the verse, dont change it.


Bridge

once again it starts weak but gets strong. it sounds like you dont really know what you wanmt to say, or how to say it, until its too late.


i liked this piece. just some miner revisions and you will have a great piece. not that it isnt already.

[TheOpeningAct101]

can you take a look at mine, plz

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=344668

[EmergencyRoom]

Verse 1

i really like how you worded this verse, but the third line needs some smoothing out. other than that pretty good.


Chorus

its alright, but the fourth line i feel needs to be reworded to fit the rythme of the rest of the chorus.


Verse2

i really like this verse. i see it being your chorus insted of 1 verse, but what ever.
i like how you make rymeswithout making it look like you were trying.


Verse 3

it starts of a little weak but gets strong at the end. considre rewording the first couple of lines, i really liked the end of the verse, dont change it.


Bridge

once again it starts weak but gets strong. it sounds like you dont really know what you wanmt to say, or how to say it, until its too late.


i liked this piece. just some miner revisions and you will have a great piece. not that it isnt already.

Ive got an exam today but il crit your song later. Thanks for the advice. i haven't written anything in a while and thought i better so this happened in bout ten minutes. I agree the second verse is too strong as a verse so im gonna take it out and build another song around it. I cant see where line 4 in the chorus needs rewording but maybe i'm reading it a different way. i'll work on the other verses a little and repost. Oh, and i meant the bridge to be like that, i hear the music for it in my head and it's the big build up to the chorus, hence why it ends so strong. As for my unforced ryhming, it's a curse! Most people have to work to make ryhmes, but i have to actively work not to rhyme. I suppose it makes things stick in peoples heads but i've started trying not to ryhme more often and leave the rymes to bug points in the song for emphasis. Thanks again.

[EmergencyRoom]

Anyone else got some crits?

[kevbud187]

Verse 1

Sing a song of sorrow's past,
The soul leaps from your eyes
In the smudged looking glass,
Pain creases your head
And closes your eyes,
This first taste of lost love
Stings strong with surprise

The first line was very out of place to the rest of the verse unless it is an intro and then you are flashing back to the rest of the verse. I think in the second line "heart" would replace "eyes" rather well. Other than that excellent begining to the song.

Chorus

Look here; come see what I’ve done
Good intentions pave hell's path
No good deed goes unpunished
And I guess no one has the last laugh,
But smiles all round, and a knife in my back
Too many to curse, too little to thank
Salt filled drops of hurt not regret
Speed me on my way coz heaven's hell-bent

Great chorus, but unless in the last line the symbolism is 'Good deeds we only tempt you futher into evil' I don't think that line will work and although it is a sick title you might want to change it if indeed that is the symbolism.

Verse 2

Dream on, dream long
For times still to pass
Cry your tears, cry for years
For times moving too fast
Looking back on your fears
You had nothing to lose
Regret tinged nostalgia
For when you had nothing to prove

Again there's a lot of awesome catchy lines in this verse, but i don't think they are contributing to the song they are just what I call "filler" lines. They just make no direct corelation to the first verse and only some go back to the title/chorus.

Chorus

Look here; come see what I’ve done
Good intentions pave hell's path
No good deed goes unpunished
And I guess no one has the last laugh,
But smiles all round, and a knife in my back
Too many to curse, too little to thank
Salt filled drops of hurt not regret
Speed me on my way coz heaven's hell-bent

Verse 3

How can you say, I had my own ends?
All vie ever done, is try to make amends,
Those before me who didn’t care
Who ripped out your heart,
And gave you cold soulless stares
I’ve ended up as hated as them
When all I ever wanted was another best friend

Correction = I've* I think everything that I said for verse 2 applies here also
Bridge

Outside the snow falls
Mixing with the rain,
The fire inside
Heats me again,
I’m not giving up for misjudgements sake,
I'll keep at this forever,
Or until my back breaks

The bridge made no sense to the whole rest of the song except for the last few lines of verse 3 which were out of place IMO.

Chorus

Look here; come see what I’ve done
Good intentions pave hell's path
No good deed goes unpunished
And I guess no one has the last laugh,
But smiles all round, and a knife in my back
Too many to curse, too little to thank
Salt filled drops of hurt not regret
Speed me on my way coz heaven's hell-bent

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
These types of songs about heaven and hell are done far too often. I only have one in my arsenal and I don't plan on adding another. I hope that you will do so as well.

[Iron_Weed]

Heaven’s Hell Bent

Verse 1

Sing a song of sorrow's past,
The soul leaps from your eyes
In the smudged looking glass,
Pain creases your head
And closes your eyes,
This first taste of lost love
Stings strong with surprise

Your fourth line seems sorta like it should rhyme but insead you make your 5th line rhyme with your second. Kinda weird and doesn't really work imo. I think your 4th and 5th lines are a bit weak but you use some strong imagery in your others.

Chorus

Look here; come see what I’ve done
Good intentions pave hell's path
No good deed goes unpunished
And I guess no one has the last laugh,
But smiles all round, and a knife in my back
Too many to curse, too little to thank
Salt filled drops of hurt not regret
Speed me on my way coz heaven's hell-bent

Something I noticed in your first verse, this seems very disjointed. I think you need to link our lines together better as this is extremly dificult to inerpret or understand as is. I think this chorus has potential.

Verse 2

Dream on, dream long
For times still to pass
Cry your tears, cry for years
For times moving too fast
Looking back on your fears
You had nothing to lose
Regret tinged nostalgia
For when you had nothing to prove

I can't stand your third line it sounds really corny. The rest is alright nothing to special. Regret tinged nostalgia sounds kinda out of place imo.

Chorus

Look here; come see what I’ve done
Good intentions pave hell's path
No good deed goes unpunished
And I guess no one has the last laugh,
But smiles all round, and a knife in my back
Too many to curse, too little to thank
Salt filled drops of hurt not regret
Speed me on my way coz heaven's hell-bent

Verse 3

How can you say, I had my own ends?
All i've ever done, is try to make amends,
Those before me who didn’t care
Who ripped out your heart,
And gave you cold soulless stares
I’ve ended up as hated as them
When all I ever wanted was another best friend

Ends and amends is kinda a bad rhyme. I think this is your weakest verse and is not worded very well.


Bridge

Outside the snow falls
Mixing with the rain,
The fire inside
Heats me again,
I’m not giving up for misjudgements sake,
I'll keep at this forever,
Or until my back breaks

Your first four lines are quite good but your last three are a bit of a let down.

Chorus

Look here; come see what I’ve done
Good intentions pave hell's path
No good deed goes unpunished
And I guess no one has the last laugh,
But smiles all round, and a knife in my back
Too many to curse, too little to thank
Salt filled drops of hurt not regret
Speed me on my way coz heaven's hell-bent

I think you really need to reword this song i.e. go over it all with a thesaurus, work out what you wanted to say in that line and find a more interesting way of expressing it. I think this song has potential but needs more interesting and original metaphors and language. Cheers for the crit.

6/10

[EmergencyRoom]

Thanks for the crits. If anyone else has some suggestions then feel free. I agree with a lot of the critiscisms. It only took me, literally, ten minutes to come up with this and im gonna take the bits that i like and build a song(possibly two) out of this one. I tend to write something quickly and it will be muddled but i'll get a few bits that go well. then i'll redraft and do each bit justice. It might even turn into two totally different and distinct songs. I'm quite pleased with the feedback so far. Keep the crits coming.

Thanks

[Necroses-bass]

it comes across as a song which needs a regular structure so maybe try to extend the first and third verse by one line.

[robobinobo]

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y138/Robobinobo/stfu.jpg

[burton.and.gas]

cool song! in general icnat find nothing wrong with it at all. its hard t oetll exactly what you're trying to say but that is a positive thing anyway. erm nothing i can really say cos its good 9/10.