CRIT4CRIT "The first rays of the rising sun" CRIT4CRIT

[lilwing89]

1. i know i am going to get a bunch of **** for "stealing from hendrix" and no i didn't steal it from him infact you will find that the song is actually a lot different than his work. when i was writing that was the first metaphor that popped in my head so if you dont like it well you can kiss my ***
2. i spent a lot of time and work on this piece. its only my 3rd one. i spent roughly 3-4 hours writing this....
well here it is...enjoy and remember its crit4crit.
another thing ppl tell me i have good flow and **** or something like that or im not very inventive, and i need to find like a different way to say what i want in the song. tell me if you agree with this or not. (tell me if the song makes any sense to you too)
[Verse 1]
The first rays from the rising sun
shine on memories that smile,
they inspire us
while engulfed in tension;
and our love is made stale

[Chorus]
Everything dies one day or another
death is the final equalizer
and it'll all fade away one day
[one day]

[Verse 2]
The first rays of the rising sun
they shined on your smile
and you inspired me
while i was engulfed in tension
and our love has staled...

[Chorus]
Everything dies one day or another;
life isn't fair, it only gets rougher
but it'll all fade away
[one day]
And you were my only reason to live for

i rewrote it 4 times and this is pretty short from the first one and i took a lot of stuff out so i understand if it doesnt make any sense, let me know

[rabbit]

Hi :)
Theres not a song written that doesnt somehow sound like someone elses somewhere. All you can do is build and add your own touch :) If your smart like most people you probably dont post anything your using, just the side stuff your thinking about :)
I'm trying to hear it in a Hendrix voice, first two lines; "The first rays from the rising sun, shine on memories that smile " Maybe take the " that " out? and just leave it at "smile" ? Maybe cut some of the words out and make it rougher, shorter, " they inspire us while engulfed in tension;and our love is made stale" Maybe, and I'm just doing the suggestion thing here, you can go and slice the **** out of mine afterwards :), I have no idea what this sounds like as far as flow in singing it would be but ... I would rephrase it, take engulfed out and find an easier word, thats a rough flow. I dont like " every thing dies one day or another....bit lame there, and its the refrain, so most people are listening to the words if its singable, a lot of times you can slide on the verses, but anyways, got to be a better way to express that. death , well, equalizer, again, too rough, use a different smoother word with some crunch in it thats singable, ya know, we all sing purple haze, but nobody really sings the whole **** thing, only that part :) Life isnt fair, only gets rougher, you can do better there too, keep the flow smooth but give the words some edge you can bite on when singing :) Well, thats it, I always liked the sound of Hendrix, :) Keep on keeping on :) and ya, I thought it made sense and it was otherwise pretty ok :) " Rock it Heavy" - Rabbit

[hypocracy hater]

Paragraphs are good.