CHALLENGE 87 VOTING til May 17

[6945]

Here are the valid entries

Corupt2057
addicted tochaos
bowl of oranges
eleventeen
Dfelon204409
d0ped0g
RunAmok
Kevbud
6945
whatilivefor

[d0ped0g]

^^^
lol i didnt actually expect u to change the characters to zeros

Corupt2057 - 7/10 - 8th
unapologetically unpretentious. Good song, not a competition winner. Didnt like the pre-chorus... was too simple, although simplicity was obviously one of the directions you chose to take. I LOVE the verse that ends with "record this bitch"... was very... errr..... tasteful!

addicted tochaos - 8/10 - 4th
loved the structure. loved the verses... loved everything. still not your best, but thats one solid song. It leaves alot to the imagination, especially the ending.

bowl of oranges - 8.5/10 - 2nd
i've already critted this in the songwriting forums.

eleventeen - 7.2/10- 7th
its pretty cool for what it is. the title was my fav part :D

Dfelon204409 - 9/10 - 1st
amazing concept. well thought out. definately a competition winner. the one problem with it were the "god is in...." and "jesus is my towel, and the holy ghost is my stool" lines. They were too obvious to the message it was conveying.

ppl under this line if u want a crit, then request one
-----------------------------
RunAmok - 7.6/10 - 6th
Kevbud - 6.5/10 - 9th
6945 - 8.3/10 - 3rd
whatilivefor - 7.9/10 - 5th

[RunAmokRampant]

Corupt2057 6/10 7th
Ok the topic I find in this to be a bit generic. The 'you lied to me/betrayed me' kinda stuff. The prechorus I despise because I feel that it should build up to something but it just doesn't. The chorus is meh.. I like the 4th line of the second verse which tells me you still have the knack of creating some good lines. There are a couple of other lines that are ok. The structure and rhyming scheme you've layered down nicely and simply but the content is too simple for my liking unfortunately IMO.

addicted tochaos 7/10 4th
I like this. I like the way you've set it out especially with the contrasting components "How can it be lost without me?" and "How can it be saved without me?" in between verses and couplets. I usually have trouble understanding your pieces so I read them over and over again and somehow I grasp my own understanding of the song which is probably totally different to yours. It's not an attention grabbing song and seems bland on the outside but after a few reads I enjoyed it.


bowl of oranges 7/10 5th
I've critiqued this one before in the main S&L board and I enjoyed it. Nice little story you have there.

eleventeen 5/10 9th
This lacks poetic flair. A pretty bland poem by my standards. Flows well, rhymes and everything but the lyrics seem dull and boring - theres not enough figurative language to create a true picture of WW2. I also think you should decide whether the poem should be 1st or 3rd person narrative as it seems change over halfway and then change back. Needs revision I think and there's plenty of room for more imagery.

Dfelon204409 7.5/10 3rd
I can't but help think I've read something like this before from you, but I've never critted it before so I'm not complaining. This song is unique but a little structure and layout would be nice just to help the reader grasp this song as it is quite a lot to take in a few reads. Harder to disect for critting to but I like this, it's a better and shorter (thank god!) than that other one which didn't use the challenge word. You got some weird *** metaphors as well which are quite amusing to say the least.

dOpedOg 6/10 6th
Even though this is pretty up front, straight forward and easy going to read, I can tell how much effort and emotion you put into this song. It's like a better Dashboard Confessional song and doesn't feel as plastic as a Linkin Park song. It's not the best in this challenge by a long shot but at least I can tell you put heart into it.

Kevbud 5/10 8th
There are too many questions and not enough answers in this song. The chorus is pretty weak and there is no resolution to tie up the song. I like the first verse besides the "So many lies and beguiles " part. It just doesn't sound right and the challenge word feels forced in.

6945 8/10 2nd
I love the couplets here. They flow so well and sound smooth. You have a way with words and your vocabulary here is top notch in this challenge. I won't be surprised if you win this, I find this song quite enjoyable.

whatilivefor 8/10 1st
This may be the last but not the least. The structure seems a little cut up but the concept I like and the title is cool too. There is a lot of alliteration throughtout this piece and it keeps the reader well... reading. Very interesting, feels violent and a bit crazy. Very nicely panned out.

[Corupt2057]

addicted_tochaos - I read this over man and I still
can't seem to grasp the idea your going for.. seems
like the first part is your talking about how a person
can figure someone out through their music but I'm
still unsure..
Rank - 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
bowl of oranges - well we can see what you built this
off of obviously.. you even adopted a few lines from
it and just changed one word in the line. Lame if you
want to write be creative and use your own ideas don't
rip off other bands
Rank - 9
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eleventeen - The imagery is easy to picture but this
was just pathetically boring the only part I really
liked was "To destroy something they were told to
hate" other than that.. just boring
Rank - 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DFelon204409 - By what I've seen of your stuff it
doesn't seem like you structure anything but you can
definitely feel where the breaks are. The opening (I
consider the 'mouth to sing' line and up) I thought it
opened up very well cause you explained the mood very
easily relating it to something almost everyone has
experienced. Then you leave it wide open for question
when you closed it with “If I could only open my mouth
to sing.” cause your like ok let’s see where God
exists in this.. winter/spring very nice I can’t help
but feel it sounds better as “belt at the chirp of the
beginning” aqua dynamic (two words) the mosaic/minnows
imagery was beautiful to me. Really think you need to
use a synonym for stool.. Anyways I would have wanted
you to go further on depth about the fight but you
didn’t just broke it off again and went back to the
pool “naked siren crooning her song” crooning makes
that sound so mesmerizing. Thought the ending was very
good because you maintained your point of view with
disrupting it
Rank - 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
d0ped0g - run spell check. I’m feeling 3 doors down
from this and man those lines about “mouth, tongues,
around” was dynamite. Just that I would throw this
song on repeat because I can easily relate to that but
it’s one of those things you don’t realize you’ve done
it til you hear someone talk about so when you hear
it’s like whoa.. Hope that made sense to ya. The whole
plane/sane stanza I think you can drop it just feels
like filler to me and really doesn’t add much to this.
The glass reference I think it’s always a good idea
implementing common phrases in a song when you can
because makes people think they have heard it before.
Wow the ending was powerful props on that
Rank - 3
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RunAmokRampant - I’m pretty sure I critiqued this in
S&L
Rank - 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
kevbud187 - demise/surprise rhyme was predictable but
worked well and the thought the chorus has to me be’s
in it.. But I like how it is just try to work one of
them out. The second verse could use a little editing
to make it sound better and flow easier and the last
line of it “ever growing faster” was a let down try to
work that out over-all it’s kinda short.. maybe add
another verse or a bridge but I thought it was decent
Rank - 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6945 - undue=undo the second verse really has a
rocking tone too mostly because of the flow and the
rhyme. But over-all I’m just not feeling this one man
it’s well-written don’t get me wrong just doesn’t do
anything for me..
Rank - 5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WhatILivefoR - wow this was wonderful man the second
line to every previous one just ended it with dynamite
every time. This is very good and I love how you kept
every stanza so strongly connected with very focused
imagery and mood. I’ve never seen The Puppet Master
but is this possibly a soundtrack for it?
Rank - 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[bowl of oranges]

Corupt2057 - Didn't really like this i'm afraid. The verses aren't too bad but the pre-chours and chorus are definately not to my taste.
4/10 - 9th place

addicted tochaos - I really liked the first verse you had here, portrayed some very vivid images, went downhill after this however and never came back as strong. The disjointed structure keeps it on edge.
6.6/10 - 5th place

bowl of oranges - n/a

eleventeen - Not bad, too short though, didn't feel like it was fully developed. Could definantly use more work.
5.5/10 - 7th place

Dfelon204409 - Definantly one of the better peices here. Felt a bit heavy reading it through with no breaks. Decent use of words here though. Liked it.
7/10 - 4th place

d0ped0g - I've critiqued this previously but i have to say it's grown on me quite a bit.
7.5/10 - 3rd place

RunAmok - Also previously critiqued.
7.7/10 - 2nd place

Kevbud - Nothing special here in my opinion, rhyming sounds a little forced and nothing outstanding generally for me.
4.5/10 - 8th place

6945 - My favourite peice here, very interesting language used to give some nice imagery. Thought it also flowed quite well. Not much else to say.
8/10 - 1st place

whatilivefor - This is quite good, perhaps a little too wordy sometimes which doesn't help the flow but still good overall.
6.5/10 - 6th place

that's it folks.

[DFelon204409]

Corupt2057 - 2.3 - This is one of the worst songs I've read here in a long time, but that's probably because I haven't critted anything in a long time. Your tone is monotonous excepting two interesting anomalies. The lines "Movie worthy moments without music" and "I could hold you down, where our waves first met.. / Just to wash your face away" are really good, but the problem is their tone is wistful and melancholy where the rest of your song is retarded Linkin Park straight forward "angst" bullshit. How about you cut out this endless hate and look for some complexity or subtlety to your language and tone. It's just too painful to read this when I can imagine my youngest brother rapping along to this in his room. Also, your use of the challenge word was one of the most awkward and poor I've ever read.

addicted tochaos - 8.7 - Wow. I am really really impressed. I have noticed that I find many of your pieces mediocre and then really like one every so often. This is one of those. Your language is perfectly off kilter for the dreamscape scene. Also, there's a gentle touch to your language and phrasing even though the images themselves can often be harsh. Oh man, this is one to save in the money bank.

bowl of oranges - 4.9 - The rhyme scheme is really annoying. Like really really. It really beats you over the head and steals your wallet and has sex with your sister. It's that bad. Try to stray away from sing songy rhyme and look for a more interesting way to give you song a flow like changing syllable count of using slant rhyming. Anything but rhyming "burning" and "yearning." Also, I don't think the story style narrative worked well as a song for you. It was too bland and too goofy when coupled with the rhyme. I didn't like much about this but as a whole it didn't come off as bad as some of the components of the song. Just like avoid the rhyme and storyline and you'd automatically have like a 6 from me.

eleventeen - 5.1 - Henceforth thou shalt be known as the scribe of campy bullshite. Quick, make haste to thy steed of lyrical poop. Can you see how those two sentences sound ridiculous because of their older style language mixed with a more modern subbject matter. Well that's what happened with your song. You tried to give it this old school tone with words like "breach," "anew," and "foe" but that'd be better suited for a crappy King Arthur poem instead of a WWII poem. See where I'm coming from. It just sounds anachronistic and ridiculous.

DFelon204409 - No

d0ped0g - 4.5 - Save it for the livejournal. Crappy rhyme, boring subject matter, melodrama that seems forced. At least you had the sense to not attempt throwing in a few ten dollar words like other online writers do.

RunAmok - You had some interesting moments and lines or ones that just struck me ("Men hide behind other men," "I had lost, my most precious childhood gift," and "but the swing had stopped and the screeching, echoed the now present silence") but everything else was fairly weak. Echoing silence is a cool idea. I mean you have good ideas but you throw them away into a dorky execution thing. I feel you and bowl of oranges should stay away from the whole storyline narrative strategy to lyrics. Let Bob Dylan do it in your place. Seriously.

kevbud - 2.0 - Dude, there's a cliché in every single lines of your song. I looked through it. There really is. "Here I am," "caught in the crosshair," "from where I stand," "didn't come as much of a surprise," etc. Are you joking me? If you're going to write a song you need some original language or imagery, not selected phrases from commonplace soap opera dialogue. Please dude think before you type.

6945 - 6.1 - The ending was really solid and the song wasn't bad at all but I can't help feeling the rhyme was goofy and dragged the whole thing down. What's the deal with rhyming this challenge? I mean, you do the best job of it by far, but still, avoid it at all costs.

whatilivefor - 6.5 - This is mediocre. You have some cool ideas and images, which makes this tastier than other people's but the rhyme is stupid as all hell and I really dislike the way the title comes into play in the song and the stanza following that. It just sounds like a retarded Norma Jean lyric in that section, which may have been what you were going for but Norma Jean really really sucks at everything. Except for sucking.

Rankings
1. addicted_tochaos
2. xWhatxIxLivexForx!!!!11!!!!!one!!!!
3. 6945
4. RunAmokRampant
5. Eleventeen
6. bowl of oranges
7. d0ped0g
8. corupt
9. kevbud187

[6945]

everyone add Kevbud to your list....


Corupt2057: Everything seemed to run smooth until the "product" verse, didnt like that one. Pretty straight forward stuff. Written pretty well just an age old topic. I'll give you a 7. Its a good piece but not cutting edge.

addicted tochaos: This one escapes me. It has an air about it...the tone I like. Excellent ending. It just seems to make a few left turns i cant follow. These are the hard ones to score, i hate to score low for somethng I cant see. I'll go 6.9

bowl of oranges: Nice story. Heavily rhyme laden but they all seem to work. Why despised? Seemed to have a buddhist/nature flavor to it. Its good in a calming sort of way. 7.4

eleventeen: Seems to be worth expanding. I personnally would go the couplet route with this. Encompass the 3rd Reich 2 lines at a time. Lose the "to" in in all 3 lines. It will force you to write something more descriptive. I'm going with a 6 here because this needs some (hehe) Polish.

Dfelon204409: "I know what it’s supposed to feel like when I go down" I thought they just gave you a haircut? What else happens in that locker room?
This had a uniqueness to it I was enjoying but I cant help thinking you started rambling at the end. Havn't you been to your neighbors pool a few challenges ago? The birds were great, and the minnows too. Not sure if the holy ghost has a place here. Better than Bowl of oranges in parts but the ending bogs down. 7.2

d0ped0g: I dont even listen to Linkin Park and I just get that vibe. You werent wearing your hat sideways with some big gold chains around your neck and movin' your hands back in forth in front of you when you wrote this were you? The text is all fine but...I dont know. Cant see any Rugby players going for this one. Seriously though this is what happens when you write for "chicks". Feelings and sky and kissing. To much for me sorry. A solid 6

RunAmok: good story as ever. I dont think I'd worry about a "hook" so much. Solid sentences like "fear was sewn closer..." & "eighteen years of grace will be a sunset" provide. 8

Kevbud: Nice opening but this ultimatly becomes repetitious with fear. Yes, I can tell the topic was added...it doesnt fit. The 3rd verse is very weak. I think the challenges could offer you something, if you can take the crits Constructively. 6.5

6945 "Maladies inflict what" lol what a tool

whatilivefor: Smartly written which is always a pleasure to read. Body parts probably kept this outta 1st place for me but no denying...it's good. 8


5 Corupt2057
6 addicted tochaos
3 bowl of oranges
9 eleventeen
4 Dfelon204409
8 d0ped0g
1 RunAmok
7 Kevbud
x 6945
2 whatilivefor

[kevbud187]

-soils on voting spot- (ill make sure to vote before the deadline)hehe

[WhatILivefoR]

Corupt2057- 6 Well. That was angry… :) I liked the last two lines of the first verse; the metaphor you used with the waves- and holding her down and washing away her face. But for some reason, I couldn’t really connect with it beyond that. I believe that the instrumentals will lead this piece, and it could very well be a good song overall. However, it is specifically the lyrics that this challenge is for.

addicted tochaos- 3 I really like the opening stanza, and the repeated flow of the “It’s beguiling, this night,” and “It’s besieging, this life” etc. But the last stanza was so utterly random for me… Over all, very good.

bowl of oranges- 5 Good title for this piece. I really enjoyed the flow, and the rhyming scheme. On the other hand, I don’t quite see how this will fit to music… I really like it as a poem, but I don’t know as a song. It definitely would be interesting though.

eleventeen- 7 The flow seemed to be a little off for me; and the rhyming was hard to follow… I guess it tells the story enough, but I think there’s much room for improvement.

Dfelon204409- 4 I like the metaphor of winter and the birds in the beginning. You do have a way with words, and I think this will be a very interesting song. Right now I feel that it is still in 'poem stage' if you know what I mean- (perhaps not, hardcore songs tend to not have the same defined structure as others) and it has good potential You have a good closing premise- seeing as you start out with ‘going down’ in the first line, and end with ‘coming up’.

dOpedOg- 9 This sounds forced. It somewhat flows in the sense if a rhyme scheme, but it’s not very creative… For your situation, (the awkwardness of playing it for her) maybe you could try to come up with more original metaphors, and try not to make it so literal? That might help. :)

RunAmokRampant- 2 I felt that the verses seemed to end a little abruptly. However, I really like the repeated swing theme; it connects the piece together. The theme is brutal, and I can really feel the emotional scarring that you were trying to portray.

kevbud187- 8 I think there were too many questions and not enough solid answers for this to be complete. It becomes a little too repetitive for my liking, and there is no solid conclusion. I would go back and try to add closure to the chorus, because with all the questions I kept trying to read it faster and faster… I don’t know why, but lots of questions make me want to read the lines faster. It’s probably just me though.

6945- 1 Wow I really like this. The first two lines really pull the reader in. The rhyming flow is right on, and the couplets that you have are perfect. Yep. That’s about all I have to say.

[SubtleDagger]

Corrupt2057 - Nu-metal. Boring, angsty, says nothing of interest. Word is not used believably, "record this bitch" is an unfathomably stupid line. A depressingly bad way to start the challenge.
8th

atc - Decent. A bit too short. Ending is actually pretty good, the single lines are too dull to be single lines. Again, decent.
4th

bowl of oranges - I'm glad you can rhyme, but the scheme was so dull and obvious I was wondering when it would end. That and you used the same type of rhymes in more than one stanza for no structural reason. Too amateurish for me.
7th

Eleventeen - This blows. We all know you wrote it about WWII. That's one of the reasons it's so bad, I had no trouble seeing through your "symbolism" and didn't enjoy a moment of it.
10th

DFelon - Shows superb imagery and metaphor. Some lines aren't my type of stuff and I can draw lines to Thrice songs from this, but it's good. The best song I've read here.
1st

d0pe - I love a few lines, but most of the rhymes keep me from embracing this one. They're just too damn predictable and typical. And of course, I just don't like some of the imagery, it's not interesting.
5th

RunAmok - This shows promise. Your imagery has no issues. You have a few structure issues I'd fix and not enough really stand-out ideas, but this is still good.
3rd

kevbud - Awful. Just really really bad. I can't stand it when people who don't know how to form a complete sentence try to anyway. Take some grammar classes and come back to writing when you've learned enough.
9th

6495 - "Undo" and not "undue", unless you're doing some supposedly clever play on syntax which would totally suck. A few other issues are questionable to me. "And I know maladies inflict"? Inflict what? "Galactic fools"? "Blow a final scream"? I mean, come on. Those lines are just dumb, they sound awkward and don't make a lot of sense in context. Needs work.
6th

WhatILiveFor - You're extremely good with imagery. Some lines don't really do it for me, but this is definitely good.
2nd

[ATC]

Corupt- In a lyric challenge, I dont think this is very strong. And the 'record this' line, while it may be interesting sung, makes it go way over the top, in the angsty sense. Its not like Spineshank write amazing lyrics. 6

ATC- Moi

Bowl of O - A leaf, a crunch ,an absurd hunch..I loved the way that went. You;ve got rhyme and rythm. Tres cool. Its got a folksy feel to it which I like. Makes me want to listen to the indigo girls again. 2

Eleventeen - I must have missed something. Didnt you write a song on WW2 before? Its..well, ordinary. Its short, to begin with and you didnt follow up on the title too well. I'd recommend you stay true to the title and focus less on the events. There's heaps of emotion you can get out of a topic like this. Oh well. 8

Dfelon - Is winter the sharp inhale? Lovely phrase. The rest of it isnt bad at all. I love it. I cant think of anything to add to to subtract from this. 1

Doped- I liked this a lot. I can definitely see her loving this. In fact, I'm willing to bet on it. Though I'd omit stanza 3 if I were you. Stanza 5 on is pretty solid. Its just the beginning that might need a little work. 3

RunAmok- I will not deny your descriptive powers, not at all. You also tell a good story. What you lack here is what you lacked in all the other challenges as well. Something that reaches out and grabs people and makes them relate. No discernible hooks. There's places you could get that fixed in here. 'Men hide behind other men who' would be a wonderful line to fit a progression into, since its that kind of story. 5

kevbud- Please dont tell me you wrote this in x seconds/minutes. Both you and Audioslave have that annoying habit. On topic, the song's average. It doesnt stick out much and feels like a million others. And there's a few contradictions in the way too, I think. 9

6945- Galactic fools? wtf? No, seriously, take that off. I had to reread your song thrice to figure out why thats even in there. Didnt like this too much. 7

prettyx - you're not on the list, and I get the feeling I've read those lyrics elsewhere.

whatilivefor- This is good. Could maybe do with cutting a bit of the first two verses, not that they're bad, just unnecessary to me. The best lines that represent you probably come from the midpoint on. I like the whole psychotic vibe to it. 4

There, I'm done. I need more iced tea.

[kevbud187]

Corupt2057--1st
Addicted tochaos--3rd
bowl of oranges-4th
Eleventeen--9th
DFelon204409--5th
d0ped0g--7th
RunAmokRampant--8th
kevbud187--(would have gave myself a 10th place)(i suck) :upset:
6945--2nd
Whatilivefor--6th


I am super busy and if anyone wants a crit i will do one especially for you early but i will do them all by friday. sorry