From the entire pebble dashed shore... Crit for crit.

[bowl of oranges]

Well people have been saying how they are looking foward to more of my work. Here's the follow up to an appetite to actuality, hope i don't dissappoint.


From the entire pebble dashed shore...

Spitting of the sky untidied my hair,
as the wicked bay grasped my full view.
Some billows unleashed on our most fragile sphere,
a pearl's summoned from a crest, wait that's you.

You'll never slip out of my grip though,
no matter how smooth you become.
Compassions a gift i'll give wisely,
i'll feel inclined only to give it to some.

The wash screamed around my feet there.
Whilst the wind whimpered soft in my ear.
And all the thinking, wishing and pleading,
did little to calm waters and fear.

But the torment will only refine you,
like my fluency wishes it could.
I'd wrap you and hide you and love you,
well like any true kindly soul would.

Now with gushes and ripples surrounding,
I'll twist, twirl and tarry in sight,
The ocean's relentlessly raging,
calm scenes scarcely respite.

My sweet words and touch that you're feeling,
shall go with you round every bend,
whilst i'll aspire to love and respect you,
in life eternal i'll just call you friend.


Again crits are appreciated so much, i will do my best to crit everyone back.

If you enjoyed this peice then read An appetite for actuality

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338240

Thankyou.

[Zjanarhi]

Very Vividly portrayed! 9/10 :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:

Crit mine, please?Heretic (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=339982)

[bowl of oranges]

I was going to crit yours, however i read the warning on the top. Being religious i decided not to read them. Sorry.

Thanks for your opinion though.

[Zjanarhi]

Thanks anyways. Keep up the good work.:thumb:

[-R*]

Yeh it certainly doesnt dissapoint, i read appetite for actuallity and though it was good.

Some good lines in there i loved the whole second stanza, definatley the best bit of the song.

You'll never slip out of my grip though,
no matter how smooth you become.
Compassions a gift i'll give wisely,
i'll feel inclined only to give it to some.

A few weak points i would say are the last line on the 5th stanza calm scenes scarcely respite. maybe that could be changed to something alittle stronger as it seems to be a bit forced for the rhyme and doesnt flow too well.

But all in all very good 8/10

[Nightvision]

From the entire pebble dashed shore...

Spitting of the sky untidied my hair,
as the wicked bay grasped my full view.
Some billows unleashed on our most fragile sphere,
a pearl's summoned from a crest, wait that's you.

Hmmm - nice start, although not as good as I'd expected - the imagery is all there, but for some reason feels a bit artificial... might just be me. Also, the "wait that's you" bit feels a bit jarring to the flow - the imagery is right, but perhaps the wording isn't.

You'll never slip out of my grip though,
no matter how smooth you become.
Compassions a gift i'll give wisely,
i'll feel inclined only to give it to some.

Loved the first two lines - excellent play with words. I really felt that become/some rhyme. It was too blatant and stood out. Might even be a case of changing the last word of the stanza, but change something. :)

The wash screamed around my feet there.
Whilst the wind whimpered soft in my ear.
And all the thinking, wishing and pleading,
did little to calm waters and fear.

Once again, imagery = perfect, wording = not so perfect. I feel like I'm just repeating the same bits over and over, but it's the same thing that keeps coming up.

But the torment will only refine you,
like my fluency wishes it could.
I'd wrap you and hide you and love you,
well like any true kindly soul would.

The imagery falters a little here - the words are nice, but that's all they are - words. There feels like there's not as much feeling and thought gone into this stanza.

Now with gushes and ripples surrounding,
I'll twist, twirl and tarry in sight,
The ocean's relentlessly raging,
calm scenes scarcely respite.

First three lines are gorgeous - but that forced rhyme at the end just kills off the mood - it may be different with music, but I can't really crit the music. :)

My sweet words and touch that you're feeling,
shall go with you round every bend,
whilst i'll aspire to love and respect you,
in life eternal i'll just call you friend.

The 'that' in the first line feels slightly superfluous. I know it's gramatically correct, but it just feels surplus to requirements... Rest of this is great, but with the usual last line problem. :)

Overall:
I'd been meaning to crit you for some time - it's not often a writer with your ability pops along here, so I looked forward to critting you. I'm glad I did, you have some excellent imagery (although I'd expect nothing less from someone with a Bright Eyes reference in their name... ;)) although I would watch the forced rhymes - in this song, they took more away than they added. Other than that, I couldn't really add to it - nicely written, and I'd expect more good stuff from you in the future. :)

Score:

89%

Edit: Would you mind adding your 2 cents/pence to my song 1200cc Romance? It's just at the top of the second page... :) Thanks in advance.

[mpdrummer16]

First off thanks for the crits on my work, but getting to yours... I like it. It seems like it would be cool with music, because its not written like a "normal"song with verse chorus bridge and all that stuff. I think you did a very good job at deciding which words to use in this song, because they are very well chosen.
Good job, look forward to reading more- 9/10!!

[bowl of oranges]

thanks for everyones words and suggestions for improvement. i may try to give it a slight revision as i do tend to agree with some of the points raised.

And to jason i'll give your peice a go later on tonight or perhaps tomorro if i find myself too busy.

[WeSayNever]

[Now with gushes and ripples surrounding,
I'll twist, twirl and tarry in sight,
The ocean's relentlessly raging,
calm scenes scarcely respite]

awesome. good visual.

[The wash screamed around my feet there.
Whilst the wind whimpered soft in my ear.
And all the thinking, wishing and pleading,
did little to calm waters and fear.]

once again. great flow, the ear and fear seem a litle forced though. just my opinion.
good job.

9/10

[WaitingForSomething]

everything i was gonna say has already been said :( oh well. great flow, great imagery...overall just great. i look foward to reading more lyrics from you. :thumb:

if you can, will you critique "A Good Nightmare"?

[bowl of oranges]

Thanks again for the comments.

I'll critique your peice sometime tomorrow Waitingforsomething.

[Syrio]

hey man...you critted my "apologize" song, so figured i check out some of your stuff. Im really impressed, probably some of the best imagery ive seen on this site before. I also like the story thats being told, good take on things. 9/10

Id appreciat a crit on my new song :

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7855863#post7855863

Thanks man

[factor46]

I like it. Alot. Some of it went over my head though. But that's a good thing. I see it more as poetry, than I do a song. And so many people tell me that about my work and it gets annoying sometimes, but I just thought I'd let you know I guess. Anyways, I don't think I can suggest anything to you to fix it. Except maybe change "shall" to "will" in that last stanza. So many people have been using that word nowadays, that it gets aggrivating to read sometimes. But that's such a petty complaint. The song overall was really good. I liked this stanza the best:

"But the torment will only refine you,
like my fluency wishes it could.
I'd wrap you and hide you and love you,
well like any true kindly soul would."

...Good stuff right there. :thumb:

9/10.


And thanks for critiquing my work btw.
:D

[bowl of oranges]

Thanks for all your critiques guys.

Just a reminder that if you liked this peice to read and critique my other peice.

An appetite for actuality
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338240

Thanks.

Waitingforsomething and Syrio you have been critiqued.

[white_riot]

But the torment will only refine you,
like my fluency wishes it could.
I'd wrap you and hide you and love you,
well like any true kindly soul would

I loved that part. really good piece, i really enjoyed reading it, 8.5/10.
Also thankyou for your critique on mine.

[Syrio]

hey, im back just to say thanks alot for the really in depth critique man...i made alot of changes that you suggested and would appreciate it if youd check em out and see what you think....thanks alot man


http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7855863#post7855863

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Since I gave you such an abruptly rude crit on the first piece, here's a real one.

Spitting of the sky untidied my hair,
as the wicked bay grasped my full view.
Some billows unleashed on our most fragile sphere,
a pearl's summoned from a crest, wait that's you.

--I think you have some great imagery, very Oberst-like, but in a way you seem to come off as overly wordy. The first line, though easily understood is just so linguistically awful that it just confuses me and in a way makes my teeny mind very angry (not really, but you get my point :)). Instead of using such odd-ball imagery, maybe hit a more concrete term and change it up a little. Something that everyone gets right away. The conversational poetry you have is something I enjoy a lot, but it's not as elegantly done as I would've hoped for.

You'll never slip out of my grip though,
no matter how smooth you become.
Compassions a gift i'll give wisely,
i'll feel inclined only to give it to some.

--This was a more juvenille verse compared to your other. It felt less passionate, but balanced that out by giving it a better flow and feel to it. Personally, I think if you could capture both aspects into one you'd be amazing.

The wash screamed around my feet there.
Whilst the wind whimpered soft in my ear.
And all the thinking, wishing and pleading,
did little to calm waters and fear.

--Fear/ear seemed very forced. I bet you know it too. Take a page from Conor and change up your rhyme scheme. No Lies, Just Love is a great example. Don't sacrifice flow for rhyme, ever. No one will really notice you changed the rhyme scheme if you make the text more comprehendable.

But the torment will only refine you,
like my fluency wishes it could.
I'd wrap you and hide you and love you,
well like any true kindly soul would.

--It was great up until the last part of verse, starting at "...hide you..." You really had something amazing there, but once again sacrificed your flow and poetic factors for rhyme. You'll eventually learn that though.

Now with gushes and ripples surrounding,
I'll twist, twirl and tarry in sight,
The ocean's relentlessly raging,
calm scenes scarcely respite.

--I dislike it, many same complaints as the previous verse, just applied to the WHOLE of this one.

My sweet words and touch that you're feeling,
shall go with you round every bend,
whilst i'll aspire to love and respect you,
in life eternal i'll just call you friend.

--This seems like such a weak, sappy way to end off your song. Don't get me wrong, sappy can be good. It just has to be done properly.

The sacrifices you make for rhyming really turned this piece sour. Never sacrifice your flow for rhyme, and if you feel you need rhyme (which really can be important acoustically), just change up your scheme. You are a writer with a lot of potential, just gotta learn a few tricks of the trade. Thanks for the crit.

5.5/10

[113]

I like the water/ocean imagery. Water imagery is great in almost any song and you use it pretty effectively hear. In some part such as verse 3 and 4 i think the images are great and are strong, but the rest of the song doesn't convey as strong a message. I know i'm not a great critiqer but that's just my 2 cents...overall 6.5/10

can you crit my new piece:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=340569

[Devendra is my friend]

Good stuff. You've chosen a topic/ style of imagery and maintained it throughout the song, without it ever feeling stretched; the rhymes don't feel forced, and it flows beautifully. The imagery works very well, some of the language is verging on trying a little too hard, but over all very good.

[PainKiller8191]

genious

[bowl of oranges]

Thanks again for everyones comments, especially APS i'll be able to learn alot from what you said. I'll try to return crits sometime soon.

[mikethecoug]

Wow, some good stuff you've got going there, my personal favourite parts were:
Now with gushes and ripples surrounding,
I'll twist, twirl and tarry in sight,
The ocean's relentlessly raging,
calm scenes scarcely respite.
The rhyming works well, and these four lines stood out for me, they are really effective and work so well with the rest of the song.

Good stuff. 8.5/10


"Tomorrow" - Please crit needs some work.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=340395

[WaitingForSomething]

hey i fixed up my song "good nightmare" a little bit, hopefully its a little better, could you check it out? thanks

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=340099

[bowl of oranges]

Sorry i haven't been able to crit as quickly as i would have liked, my internet has been playing up. I'll get to all your stuff as soon as i can.

Again thanks for all the kind comments and constructive words, really means alot to me. I hope i'll become a better writer for it.

[Iron_Weed]

From the entire pebble dashed shore...

Spitting of the sky untidied my hair,
as the wicked bay grasped my full view.
Some billows unleashed on our most fragile sphere,
a pearl's summoned from a crest, wait that's you.

Wow, nice. Almost perfect first verse. My only complaint is the "wait that's you". It just doesn't sound very good to me.

You'll never slip out of my grip though,
no matter how smooth you become.
Compassions a gift i'll give wisely,
i'll feel inclined only to give it to some.

Cool verse. No complaints.

The wash screamed around my feet there.
Whilst the wind whimpered soft in my ear.
And all the thinking, wishing and pleading,
did little to calm waters and fear.

I really don't like the there at the end of the first line. It really looks like your just trying to find an excuse to rhyme with ear. Change that line. Aside from that another very good verse.

But the torment will only refine you,
like my fluency wishes it could.
I'd wrap you and hide you and love you,
well like any true kindly soul would.

Nice but I would change your third line to "I'd wrap, hide and love you". Two ands seem a bit much.

Now with gushes and ripples surrounding,
I'll twist, twirl and tarry in sight,
The ocean's relentlessly raging,
calm scenes scarcely respite.

Groovy. No complaints.

My sweet words and touch that you're feeling,
shall go with you round every bend,
whilst i'll aspire to love and respect you,
in life eternal i'll just call you friend.

Perhaps not a strong enough ending to such a long piece but still very good.

This was a very, very good song! I enjoyed it throughly and had very little to critise. Cheers for the crit on mine, sorry I took a little while.

9.8/10

[bowl of oranges]

Thanks for all the critiques and bearing with me on returning them, i should have now returned all.

Think i've exhausted all the feedback i'm going to get on thie peice now. I've begun work on a new peice, hopefully i'll have it up sometimes this week.

[bowl of oranges]

My new peice is now up. Crits will be appreciated alot and returned as always.

Your hands got cold (painting your thoughts)
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=341922

thanks alot.