A Short Story of Two Lovers End

[sparkylp2002]

Well here is my latest piece i wrote. I dont know what to think about this piece really, not sure if i like it or i dont. I think i can make this better though. Well crit very harshly please. Crit for a Crit, just please leave a link or a song title so i know to get back to you.

A Short Story of Two Lovers End

You told me
However softly
“It’s over”
And I didn’t want
To believe it
So take your hand
Off my face
And lets
Make our way to the bar
And drink
Everything under the moon

I listened
As you talked
But I didn’t hear a word
Just made up a voice
To go along with
Your mouth

I already
Knew the ending
But taught it as
The beginning
Good things always come
From bad ends

But I guess
Self-Contradiction is a curse
I told you “I love you”
But my face
Must have disagreed

So good times
Always come to and end
So lets finish this book
And move on to the next

Let’s turn away
And walk off as friends
Though we know
It’s a slow fade out
To the end
Faces disappear
With the clock

[bard2dbone]

A Short Story of Two Lovers End

You told me
However softly
“It’s over”
And I didn’t want
To believe it
So take your hand
Off my face
And lets
Make our way to the bar
And drink
Everything under the moon
A cute opening. It changes quite a bit in my head if I picture it woman-to-man vs man-to-woman, especially with the 'take your hand off my face' line. I like it.
I listened
As you talked
But I didn’t hear a word
Just made up a voice
To go along with
Your mouth
I can picture this well. Nicely done.

I already
Knew the ending
But taught it as
The beginning
Good things always come
From bad ends
Not as strong, but still follows the theme well. You haven't lost me yet.
But I guess
Self-Contradiction is a curse
I told you “I love you”
But my face
Must have disagreed
Great line 'my face must have disagreed is the best line of this piece.
So good times
Always come to and end
So lets finish this book
And move on to the next I know you are repeating this for thematic emphasis, but it feels weakto me.Otherwise, I'm still digging it.

Let’s turn away
And walk off as friends
Though we know
It’s a slow fade out
To the end
Faces disappear
With the clock
Good ending. You kept me interested all the way hrough, with only a couple of weak spots. Nice.

I'd appreciate if you gave 'Information' a look and a crit.

[AngelsDontKill]

Emo 101?

[bard2dbone]

Emo doesn't always have to be bad. There are a lot of good breakup songs out there. It's all in the vocal delivery.

[sparkylp2002]

Thank you bard2dbone, i will hopefully crit your piece tomarrow.

[sparkylp2002]

bump

[WaitingForSomething]

this a good piece. nice story being told. the whole 'emo' thing...yeah its all about the vocal delivery. if you really think about it, a lot of 'non-emo' bands have emo lyrics. its just the way they deliver it.

if you could, check out something new i wrote "A Good Nightmare" i know it needs a lot of work so if you could crit id appreciate it. thanks! :thumb:

[sparkylp2002]

bump

Sorry it is taking a while on the return crits, a lot of things just came up recently but i will get to them soon.

[factor46]

This was pretty good. Sort of an, immature (for lack of a better term) way of writing an emo song. I do like emo myself, but emo writers usually use descriptive terms and a lot of imagery in their lyrics. At least the emo I listen to. (Mae, Further Seems Forever, Death Cab For Cutie, etc.) This has a lot of potential though.

"But I guess
Self-Contradiction is a curse
I told you “I love you”
But my face
Must have disagreed"

...as cliche as that stanza sounds, I don't think it is. I think it's great.


But...

I don't like how it seems you forced the stazas to flow. By separting what could've been longer, more in-depth lines, into smaller two or three-worded lines.

Anyways, this is a good piece. Keep up your writing. :thumb:
7/10


Could you crit mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=339522
-Thanks.