The Last Kiss (End of Days) - Crit 4 Crit

[-R*]

Hey, heres my song please crit and i will crit you back. Cheers

I overdosed on you
And there isn’t a doubt
That I tried to run away
That I tried to shut you out

But you chase me down
You stalk my every move
And every time I turn around
I’m looking straight at you

With all of this lack of sleep
As I stare, I can hear your voice
It is in my head through all of this
Like painful, silent, white noise

(chorus)
*Let me breath, you trap my ways
You gave me the last kiss
That ended all my days

Why do you never
Ever talk my thoughts?
As we sit here together
Sharing our hearts

Lending our shoulders
For a lean on the up
I'll always be there
But is it enough?

And I’ve been waiting for you
Here for so long
Like a fly on a spiders web
Trying to be strong
As I stare what I don’t want
Right in the eye
I gave you the last kiss
But I never said goodbye

(chorus)
*Let me breath, you trap my ways
I gave you the last kiss
That ended all my days

Probably add 3rd verse, depending on what people think. Cheers.

[-R*]

Any crits plz?

[bowl of oranges]

Not a bad effort. However there is nothing striking within the whole of your peice. Nothing that grabs you and makes you enjoy reading it.

Alot of the ideas used are duplicated in thousands of lyrics. I'm not saying you shouldn't use them but find another way to portray them in a differently perhaps through imagery. Metaphors, similies, personification etc are all great ways to add a little variety to your lyrics.

The flow was ok, but at times it didn't seem to go too well. Similar to the rest of it really just ok, nothing special.

Keep on writing and revising, it's the only way to get better.

6/10

Your thoughts on my newest work would really be appreciated.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=339725

thanks.

[Zjanarhi]

I, on the other, quite enjoyed it. 8/10

...Crit mine?Heretic (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=339982)