Information - crit for crit

[bard2dbone]

Okay. This one isn't quite ready for prime time, but my brain is getting tired looking at it. I do realize that it overuses some verbs pretty desperately and that there is, in particular one really jarring rhythmic moment, but unfirtunately it is thematically necessary to the story. Helpful suggestions are very welcome, and will get your stuff looked at, as well.


Information

When I was young my parents got their first telephone
with a voice always inside it, so we never were alone
somebody on the other end of that magical line
who would answer all your questions, at least she always answered mine.

I called her 'Information' because that's what she always said
when she answered when I called her with some question in mu head.
We started talking every day. She could always make me smile.
A first real friend was a special thing to a lonely only child

Then one day I found a bird, injured on the ground
A songbird with a broken wing, it wouldn't make a sound.
I took it home to keep it safe and nurse it back to health.
But it faded down and closed its eyes. Nothing I did helped.

I called up Information, almost crying too hard to speak
I finally told her about my bird, as my voice began to break
When I ran out of words, and tears, she began to tell
the words that made it all make sense, the words that made me well.

You look at your bird and see a fragile broken thing
But remember there are other worlds where birds can fly and sing
Remember there are other worlds where birds can fly and sing

Decades passed. I'm all grown up with grandkids of my own.
A family reunion brought me back to the place that once was home.
On a moments whim, I grabbed a phone and called my oldest friend
I had to smile when a voice I knew answered 'Information.'

We talked a while. We smiled a while. We learned each others names.
I promised I would look her up the next time that I came
I flew back home with a lighter heart than I'd likely had in years.
already thinking of the day when my next trip back grew near

But time got away, as it often does, and most of a year was gone
when I went back to the little town that used to be my home
I picked up the phone and tried again, but now got someone else
I asked for my old friend by name. She said 'I hate to tell

but she'd been quite ill the last few years. It got to be so sad.
They wanted her to retire. But this job was all she had.
She passed away, a month ago, peacefully, at home.
And she knew the day was coming, because she left someone a note.'

I said my name. The note was mine. My eyes began to sting.
Remember there are other worlds where we can fly and sing.
Remember there are other worlds where we can fly and sing.

[bowl of oranges]

I think it is quite well written, however the story you tell isn't the most riveting. Maybe it has some sort of connection to you, i just don't connect with it too well i guess.

Aside from that it reads through rather well in my opinion and flows quite effortlessly.

7/10

Would like to see some of your other work ...

Your thoughts on my peice would certainly be appreciated.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338240

thanks.

[bard2dbone]

Thanks. For more of my stuff, do a search for 'A Few Minutes More' , or 'Small Towns' , or 'Grimalkin' , or 'Captive in Crystal.' I think those are the only ones I have posted here.

And I'll give yours a look and crit it later today.

[bowl of oranges]

I'll be sure to look up some more of your stuff. I like your style as a writer for sure, just not too keen on the subject here i guess.

[bowl of oranges]

I just read grimalkin and have to say i really liked it. It had a more varied and perhaps more interesting story and a somewhat similar style. Just thought i'd let you know...

[Corupt2057]

man I liked this
as it working for a song I don't know but you always say you have made them work and props to that
the repeating lines maybe what your making a subtle chorus I thought was cool the over-all story for some reason was just heartfelt dunno why..
anyways the only nitpick is I think you should flip lonely only to only lonely cause it sounds better to me having heard
hootie and the blowfish - only lonely

anyways like i said i liked it doesn't have that wow affect but i think if I heard it as a song it might be an automatic favorite

[bard2dbone]

Thanks a lot Corupt. I agree that only lonely sounds better. But it doesn't make sense. If someone has just one kid, they never say he is a 'lonely child.' They call him an 'only child', so I had to. But I couldn't resist the interior rhyme of 'lonely only.' I've got sort of a thing for interior rhymes.

The story is actually stolen. It was one of those emotionally manipulative emails that make their way around a couple of years ago. In story form it could make even me cry. And I'm not a soft touch. So I thought 'I've gotta use that some day.'

Do you have any you want crit-ed?

[TxAxNxD13]

la la

[overdramatic]

i like this. its quite long. i have nothing constructive to say. sorry

[Corupt2057]

yeah I love inner rhymes too but I don't think it works together in this case
about the circulating e-mail thing yeah I know what you mean
I got one about a soldier going to heaven and I'm probably going to use that theme in a song some time in the future
those e-mails can be inspiring

[mpdrummer16]

Very very well written. It seemed to flow very well, and suprisingly for how long it was had a pretty decent rhyming pattern, which helped the flow. The last 2 lines in the song connecting back to the first time you used those lines was a very very good way to end the song! I think with music this will be a good song, and hope to hear it sometime...please crit this if you get a chance...
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=339877 --thanks

[sparkylp2002]

My apologies for taking a while to get to this. Thanks again for the crit on my piece.

When I was young my parents got their first telephone
with a voice always inside it, so we never were alone
somebody on the other end of that magical line
who would answer all your questions, at least she always answered mine.

I called her 'Information' because that's what she always said
when she answered when I called her with some question in mu head.
We started talking every day. She could always make me smile.
A first real friend was a special thing to a lonely only child

Then one day I found a bird, injured on the ground
A songbird with a broken wing, it wouldn't make a sound.
I took it home to keep it safe and nurse it back to health.
But it faded down and closed its eyes. Nothing I did helped.

I called up Information, almost crying too hard to speak
I finally told her about my bird, as my voice began to break
When I ran out of words, and tears, she began to tell
the words that made it all make sense, the words that made me well.

You look at your bird and see a fragile broken thing
But remember there are other worlds where birds can fly and sing
Remember there are other worlds where birds can fly and sing

Question is this suppposed to be a song or a poem, since i cant picture it being put into music? At least here in this half of the piece. Anyways i must say you do a good job of telling a story here. I cant really point out anything that really needs to be fixed. One thing though nothing really stands out, it is kinda bland. I think you could make it a bit more interesting if you put in some more imagery and made it seem more exciting here.

Decades passed. I'm all grown up with grandkids of my own.
A family reunion brought me back to the place that once was home.
On a moments whim, I grabbed a phone and called my oldest friend
I had to smile when a voice I knew answered 'Information.'

We talked a while. We smiled a while. We learned each others names.
I promised I would look her up the next time that I came
I flew back home with a lighter heart than I'd likely had in years.
already thinking of the day when my next trip back grew near

But time got away, as it often does, and most of a year was gone
when I went back to the little town that used to be my home
I picked up the phone and tried again, but now got someone else
I asked for my old friend by name. She said 'I hate to tell

but she'd been quite ill the last few years. It got to be so sad.
They wanted her to retire. But this job was all she had.
She passed away, a month ago, peacefully, at home.
And she knew the day was coming, because she left someone a note.'

I said my name. The note was mine. My eyes began to sting.
Remember there are other worlds where we can fly and sing.
Remember there are other worlds where we can fly and sing.

For some strange reason i really liked the ending you had here. I also have to say that the second half of the piece seemed better than the first. You seemed to portray the story a bit better here. I really cant think of anything that can be fixed here.

Overall
Well this piece was pretty good. You are able to tell a good story here. Except i must say that you could make the story a bit more interesting, use some more imagery. The piece seemed quite bland not that it was bad just bland. Hope this crit helps, thanks again for the crit on my piece.

Score 7/10

[Corupt2057]

Do you have any you want crit-ed?
nah not yet I'm working on multiple songs with all different styles and I'm kinda just taking my time with each one a little at a time so I'll have something probably on here in a couple days you can hit me back then :thumb:

[Iron_Weed]

I thought this was very good with minimal flaws. I really liked the original subject matter (which I'm pleased to say seems to have become more frequent on mx rather than simply songs about love or the dark twisting agony piercing writers souls) and most of the time you can think of good creative ways to express your ideas. However I would say that occasionally you slip up a bit with your rhymes and they end up sounding forced, have a look over it with that in mind and you should be able to spot the ones I'm talking about. Occasionally your language sounds kinda awkward (i.e. when she answered when I called her with some question in my head) imo. Also not such a fan of the repetition in your chorus, but it might be very effective when sung and just doesn't look as good on paper. Anyways aside from that great work I really enjoyed it but I think it needs another going over to get it up to its full potential.

8/10

Oh and thanks for the crit :thumb: