Provoking All That Sings, Under A Sky of Green

[factor46]

New song, working title. Please critique. Thanks. :D



Provoking All That Sings, Under A Sky of Green

Lady Masquerade, I presume?
Your entrance has fallen.
It is now your duty to maintain peace within your village.
Feel free to take your time though, their lives don’t matter anymore.
Crying.
Oh, but who isn’t crying?
Such apathy towards the rights of her citizens!
Cold-hearted one, refrain from such interest, abstain from such bias.
It was the sinner’s fault.
Civilian.
And there’s a rampage among the streets.
Hold on to your dearest! The march will begin soon!
It was as if the clouds rained tears of red.
Somebody dethrone her!
And we fell, laughing,
Oh, but who isn’t laughing?
We wish we were laughing,
Mere facade in the bounds of our chuckle.
And she became aware.
That was the end of our faces,
But it’s not like we would have lasted much longer anyhow.
We had just about run out of food, and our apple tree had rotted.
Such luck, yes, such luck.

[Zjanarhi]

...Wow. IMO, it'd express itself cleared if it had stanzas. But other than that, brilliant! You gotta gift, use it! 10/10 :D

Please critique mine? The last rose of summer (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=339515)

[factor46]

Thanks alot man. I don't structure my songs purposely. It's just how I write them. But thank you for the encouraging compliment. I will get to your song right away. :thumb:


Anymore?
Hopefully.
:D

[Sloth]

again.....props factor.....

i tlike how you (accidentally) structure this piece by breaking it up with "Crying...Civilian." I think you should put another break in there when you say "And we fell, laughing" I think you should say something like, "and when we fell, we fell politely.....(indent) Laughing." something like that to break it up and add to the line just before Laughing stands by itself.. And then do something like that again with "Aware"
I think that would be pretty sweet.

I like the piece :thumb:

[factor46]

hey, thanks sloth.

the way i structured the breaking between "crying" and "civilian" wasnt an accident. i purposely made it like that, and had both words start with the letter C. yeah. i dont think it needs anymore though. and thanks for the suggestion with:

..."I think you should say something like, "and when we fell, we fell politely.....(indent) Laughing." "

...but if i did that, it would be a fourth line in a row in the song with some sort of "laugh" in it.

oh well.
anyways, thanks again for the crit. i enjoy your comments. :D

[-R*]

I really like the peice, i loved the line '..as if the clouds rained tears of red' thought that was pretty cool.

Yeh and i agree with who ever said about adding a couple more breaks into it. I think it would strengthen it even more and give it more flow.

Overall really nice peice 8/10

[factor46]

Thank you.

:D

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

Great use of words. You really chose the right synonyms. It flows in a rather strange way, not to say that's bad, though. The only thing I would suggest changing is not talking to Lady Masquerade, the one who must maintain the village. I think the effect would be better used talking to the people of the village themselves (sort of like what you see going on in those medievil movies [Monty and the Grail, Black Knight, etc.]). A couple lines could be rearranged a little differently to help the flow pattern, but you did a great job.

[bowl of oranges]

I agree with most of what has been said. As a peice of poetry i think it's great, has a rather old style feeling to it. You could imagine somebody writing it a couple hundred years ago.

The way it has no clear structure is great. The language used is spot on. I don't really find much of a meaning in there though.

Anyway great work 8/10

A crit on my newest peice would be greatfully recieved.

From the entire pebble dashed shore...
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=339725

thankyou.

[factor46]

Thank you, both of you, for the crits. :D

I'm critting yours now bowl of oranges.
:thumb:

[MisterXIsSilent]

And there’s a rampage among the streets.
Hold on to your dearest! The march will begin soon!

I really loved those lines, I dont know why but they just stuck out to me lol. Anywayz I love the piece, 8/10. I also really like the way you write. You dont put it in stanzas or anything at first you just wrote whats in your head and then make the song out of it, not make the song and then fit them in. Idk its hard to explain anywayz great piece, Please Crit Mine! "The Light Of My Heart"

[factor46]

Thank you MisterX. Glad you came back to the forums. Glad you decided to crit my piece. :D

[sparkylp2002]

Sorry it took a while to return the crit, been quite busy.

This piece was quite goo i must say. However some of the questions you say in the song seem to throw it off a bit. And there were ceratin parts that seem quite repetative such as :

And we fell, laughing,
Oh, but who isn’t laughing?
We wish we were laughing,

I do really like the last two lines that you used to end off this piece here. Another thing the lines such as this:

Crying.
Oh, but who isn’t crying?

and

It was the sinner’s fault.
Civilian.

Those sections just seem to throw off the piece a bit. All in all this was a quite good piec and there wasnt really many major things wrong with it. Good job.

Score 7.5/10

[Leaves]

Is this a song (vocal melody, etc) or a poem? There are some very strong lines in there (I particularly like "That was the end of our faces"), but I'm not much for thickly-veiled imagery. Mystery in a song is great, but if the meaning is too inaccessible listeners like me will lose interest. Perhaps the music gives clues to the meaning as well, I don't know. Forgive me, but I've become very cynical about vague lyrics because so many writers make their lyrics intentionally vague to hide the fact that they have nothing to say. I sense this is not the case here, but that's my general opinion.

Assuming this song isn't meaningless, it's very good. :)