Ad Astra Per Aspra...please crit...

[peaveyrules]

Alright, so this is more of an abstract poem more than anything. I wrote with intentions to become a song, but i just let it go, so don't expect this to come together as a song. Will crit of course...


Its unanomous; We've instituted decisions upon where to place an abstract puzzle piece with thoughts of dillusion.
Well, we've found the spot for them; they'll all be pushing up daisies isolated from our ill tempered illusions.

But

Could it be you? Not just inanimate puzzle pieces writing through?
Giving sympathy to our very own requime?
To be given life, to dance upon the ears of two attendies
Blackened and cold;misguided; drifted out to sea as they may be?

For once, let us obligate ourselves to become what we've never wanted to be
Grave robbing never looked so romantic as it does now
And tonight, we'll steal ourselves.

Puzzle pieces were never a part, just excuses to keep on falsifying our life
And now, for good, they'll reside forever in our attic adorned upon the wall
Joining the rest to make the portrait of ourselves whole.

Thanks for looking!

[bowl of oranges]

Lines too long, voabularly too dense. There is some great stuff in there but it's quite heavy reading with such long lines full of such rich language.

For once, let us obligate ourselves to become what we've never wanted to be
Grave robbing never looked so romantic as it does now
And tonight, we'll steal ourselves.

This was my favourite part. Didn't seem as complex as the rest.

If you could water it down and split it up a little this could be great. Would also help for if you wanted to make a song of it.

I like it but it's hard to like.

7/10

An opinion on my work would be gratefully recieved.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338240

thankyou.

[peaveyrules]

Thanks....will take views into consideration! That certain verse is my favorite part as well, I'll be sure to revise it. Anyone else?

[xKONRADx]

i think the title is the name of a band. or at least very close. i liked it, good connections were made i think and though i havnet really analyized it or anything it looks promising. i would complain that it doesnt sound much like a song, but i guess you already said its not intended to be one. either way....