Constructive Criticism Needed

[Zjanarhi]

Here's a song I had floating around in my head for a while, and I had to get it out. Here it is.

Negative Images

I reject the artificial tolerance,
I reject the gift of my genius,
I reject the desperate validation,
I reject the result of my benevolence,

I accept the hate, I accept the pain,
I accept it's hard, I accept the names,
I accept rejection, I reject attention,
I accept the passive belligerence

Buried under these lines,
Lie the keyes to my mind,
A shadow, a being, (Chorus)
Within the rind

I reject the makeshift conversation,
I reject the naked honesty,
I reject the concealed beauty,
I reject the thinning out of patience

I embrace the hate, I embrace the pain,
I embrace it's hard, I embrace the names,
I embrace rejection, I reject attention,
I embrace the passive belligerence

(Chorus)

It's hard the make out the shapes I see,
Possibly an angel withering inside of me,
Somedays it's okay to feel this way,
Sometimes it's fine to feel confined

(Chorus)

I admit it doesn't flow very well, but I when I think of this song I think of Mudvayne. (For some reason.)

[d0ped0g]

I really love the phrases in the "reject" lines (artificial tolerance, result of my benevolence, makeshift conversation)... although i hate to say the repitition does bug me abit. Although, again i dont like the repitition, i like how the song almost goes from accept to embrace, almost as if the character has grown in a way. However, I think the last line of the accept/embrace part could be changed for the better. The chorus flows well, and is rather interesting... but whatever it conveys, it conveys it quite crudely, or incompletely. The last stanza is definately the strongest.
7/10

[Zjanarhi]

Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.

And what the chorus explains is that I have so many unanswered questions in my mind, that the great number of questions build up into some sort of extra being within me.

[bowl of oranges]

There's come nice content, however the repetition doesn't work too well. Get's a bit irratating after a while. Find different ways of saying reject and accept, maybe combine some of the lines into longer lines so you don't have to say how you reject or accept certain things.

artificial tolerance,
gift of my genius,
desperate validation,
result of my benevolence

These ideas are great and i would definately try to draw from them whilst replacing the repetition with something else.

Has potential to be a great peice and you obviously have a great vocabularly at your disposal. But this piece requires some work to make it good.

4/10

a crit on my peice would really be appreciated.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338240

thanks.

[Zjanarhi]

Don't worry, I change style on almost every song I write; each one different in their own right.