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d0ped0g
05-09-2005, 04:53 AM
Yeah, this is crit for crit... so if you want one, leave a url
But funnily enough, i dont really want a crit, as such (considering this definately isnt my best song, and i know that)
Just, some perspective on a situation and the appropriateness of the song.

You see, this is a song i'm supposed to have written about this girl (she requested i write one for her, so i did). Unfortunately, I think it is abit too forward about my feelings for her and about our relationship; so forward, that it might be weird to play it to her, with her knowing what its about. Atm, we're just friends, but both like each other alot. The problem is, although she thinks i am literally the perfect guy for her, she doesnt want to be in a relationship as it is too emotionally consuming. That's what the song is mainly about.


For You

I can see it in your eyes
An emptiness, consuming
And lord knows why you cry
When it’s exhaustingly easy to bear

But there’s something you can never deny
What you'll never know will eat you alive
And what’s the use in compromise
When it comes from the core of all of your lies.

To tell you the truth, I can relate
But what we have between us, I cannot sedate.
Can’t you take a breather from this sanity?
As I see your imperfections all so perfectly.

And you take the words right from my mouth
But I wish you could speak for me now
So I talk in tongues when you're around
Cause I’m afraid that what comes from the heart
Will be the end of me...
Will be the end of me...

But there’s something you can never deny
What you'll never know will eat you alive
And what’s the use in compromise
When it comes from the core of all of your lies.

And when I look up through the sky
I overflow in the rain the light seems to cry
And i'll cradle the tears that fall from your face
If its the closest i'll come to feeling your embrace.

And when we put an end to all this thinking
We let this masquerade flutter astray
Rarely looking back at that logic
Scattered among the ashes of a lovesick Pompeii.

But there’s something you can never deny
What you'll ever know will eat you alive
Please grant me the strength to wish that you'd die
Because nothing can contest the anguish I feel
For you...

Zjanarhi
05-09-2005, 05:12 AM
...Hmm... :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: _ _ _

7/10

bowl of oranges
05-09-2005, 09:44 AM
Some of it feels a bit too forced and in your face. But alot would depend on how it is sung. Not bad though, when you write a peice specifically for someone they will always love it in my opinion. Anyway overall it's quite nice but nothing spectacular. Then again we're not the people who matter.

6/10

a crit on my work would really be appreciated

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338240

thanks.

d0ped0g
05-10-2005, 10:01 PM
^^^
yeah its not supposed to be anything spectacular... but girls are quite ignorant when it comes to songwriting. She'll probably think its the best thing she's ever heard, but i am worried if it seems abit forced.

bowl of oranges
05-11-2005, 10:21 AM
Well you said that you're just friends at the moment. So i thought it was a bit of a full on song to be playing to a friend. I guess it depends alot on the person. I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's still a pretty nice song, agreed she'll probly think it's the best song ever.

mpdrummer16
05-11-2005, 05:45 PM
The situation sucks man, i know all too well, but anyways I think its a good song for 2 reasons. I think that it's written well, and I know that it's a sincere song which has emotion to it, and emotion is the key to almost all songs in my opinion
-Cause what's the use in compromise
When it comes from the core of all of your lies-
I like that those two lines a lot!

Some one once said "Music is the shorthand of Emotion" and this song displays that well. Good luck with It!!
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=339877 --please crit that if you get a chance- Thanks

d0ped0g
05-13-2005, 01:30 AM
thx for the crit.
when i do end up playing it to her i'll tell her that instead of it being about her, its rather inspired by her... which is a lie.

d0ped0g
05-15-2005, 06:01 AM
bumped... as it has been rewritten. Hopefully the final version.