hello dearest... (crit this and i'll crit you back)

[overdramatic]

i posted this couple of weeks ago. i made some changes to it.

hello dearest...

hello dearest, nice to see you,
(well i didnt mean that, i just had to say something.)
how heavy air is when that falls from my lips?
this feeling is so awkward.
this hallway has never been this long,
couple of words have never lasted this long.

this is just that exact moment when you almost want to die.

i remember the day you said:
"we can still be friends".
well can we?
yeah, i guess,
but should friends feel like this?
lets pretend that everything is okay,
cause pretending is what you do best.

i pretend sometimes too. i pretend that i hate you,
but thats only because you have always been my muse,
and because you were my first love, my first scar,
my first heartbreak and my first end of the world.
how sweet is that?
teenage love will never last.

[bowl of oranges]

Hmmm. I like this but then i don't. It doesn't seem to flow like a song would but as a peice of writing it seems to work. Perhaps because you can imagine whoever wrote it just reading it out loud. Or just the thoughts running through his head.

It's nothing too ambitious but it does a good job of conveying his feelings. Puts a bit of a twist on the normal heartbreak type lyrics.

I don't really know what i would do to improve it. I just have trouble imagining this to music.

6/10

a crit on my peice would really be appreciated

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338240

thanks.

[overdramatic]

well this is a poem.

its about that how awkwards you can feel when you are in the same room with that person who broke your heart, and how you almost want to die when you have to talk to him/her.

thats how i felt. i didnt really hate her but i wasnt able to talk to her or even look at her in very long time.
and being friends after relationship = impossible :)

but thanks for crits.

[Sloth]

mmm... i don't see anything different in this than any other piece like it... no offense, but it's just another broken love poem..


couple of words have never lasted this long.
this is just that exact moment when you almost want to die. maybe it's just me, but these lines need to be reworded or something.. i had to reread these line a couple of times just to make sure what I read made sense... it was awkward..


cause pretending is what you do best.
i pretend sometimes too,
i pretend that i hate you, NOOOO!


teenage love will never last. sad but (mostly) true..

overall-- it's nothing amazing.. same idea.. try to refine your idea more.. I think the idea you have can work fine, but the way you convey your idea in this particular piece doesn't work...at least for me

[themandontgiveafuk]

it good not yes mine too crit yes

[overdramatic]

thanks for the crits...

im working an acoustic song based on these lyrics...

[bard2dbone]

hello dearest...

hello dearest, nice to see you,
(well i didnt mean that, i just had to say something.)
how heavy air is when that falls from my lips?
this feeling is so awkward.
this hallway has never been this long,
couple of words have never lasted this long.
Most of this is just kind of generic. I get your point. But it's been done, and done, and done...The first two lines are pretty nice but I would toss the next four.
this is just that exact moment when you almost want to die.

No. Just no. Unless you're Trent Reznor, you're not going to be able to sing this line and be taken seriously.

i remember the day you said:
"we can still be friend".
well can we?
yeah, i guess,
but should friends feel like this?
lets pretend that everything is okay,
cause pretending is what you do best.
This verse is better. It's still a little cliched. But it's done better, which is the sevret to getting away with a cliche. The last line is the best line of the poem. Use it to build your hook for the song.

i pretend sometimes too. i pretend that i hate you,
but thats only because you have always been my muse,
and because you were my first love, my first scar,
my first heartbreak and my first end of the world.
how sweet is that?
teenage love will never last.
This verse is good...until the last line. I know that it states your theme. But it's weak. Please find another way to state the theme.

I like it as a poem, for the most part. But it doesn't work as a song. I am glad you realized that and are already re-working it to make it a song. If you take nothing from my comments about weak lines, at least remember the strongest line. Pretending is what you do best has definitely got to be your hook, maybe even your title.

I would appreciate a crit of 'Information.'

[overdramatic]

thank you bard2dbone for you crit.

im re-working the lyrics. music is almost ready.
this is going to be acoustic song. like dashboard confessional style.

i'll crit your song.

[overdramatic]

bump...

[Zjanarhi]

It's not bad... It doesn't flow very well, I'm sorry to say. But the imagery is very clear and to the point. 6/10:thumb:

A crit on my newest one would be nice: The Kase of Kathy (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=340324)

[overdramatic]

thank you man. i will crit.

[overdramatic]

bump...

anyone?

[mysticmoonangel]

good lyrics just a few tips
take it or leav it ........
[hello dearest, nice to see you,
(well i didnt mean that, i just had to say something.)
how heavy air is when that falls from my lips?
this feeling is so awkward.
this hallway has never been this long,
couple of words have never lasted this long.]

hello dearest, nice to see you,
(well i didnt mean that, i just had to say something.)
this feeling is so awkward.
how heavy the air that falls from my lips
this hallway has never been this long,
couple of words have never lasted this long.]

mystic

[overdramatic]

thank you

[TheWoodenSlug]

I, personally, disagree with the majority of the other crits. I mean sure the whole "teenage love gone sour, resulting in heartbreak" theme has been torn a new a-hole, especially the last few years, but I like the wording of your piece more that 99% of the others ive read/heard. I love that it seems resentful, yet caring at the same time. I've been in that exact position and you've summed it up fairly well, without getting all whiny about it. Anyways just my 2 cents. 8/10.

(cough) P.S if you could crit mine ("painkillers") it would be muchly appreciated. (cough)

ahem.

[overdramatic]

thank you.

[Crysiss]

thanks for the crits...

im working an acoustic song based on these lyrics...


ahh i could just picture sum1 doing that. not into the really direct songwriting tho. 7.5/10

[Farm girl]

I think its fairly good

[overdramatic]

thank you very much.

[Zatoichi]

i remember the day you said:
"we can still be friend".
well can we?
yeah, i guess,
but should friends feel like this?
lets pretend that everything is okay,
cause pretending is what you do best.
.


ehehe im no song writer and im just quixkly browing this section, but too true :upset:

although im not sure how you would get this section to wrok in a song format.

[overdramatic]

parts of that is speaked.

[overdramatic]

edited typos...

[overdramatic]

bump...

[Neon-]

That was really sweet. I enjoyed reading it.

Crit mine?+
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=347030

[overdramatic]

thank you. i will.