Voice In The Darkness

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Voice In The Darkness
Andy Thomas

There's a man on the street,
The sun is setting on his life.
And everywhere you look,
People are older,
People are colder,
Turning shoulders and they're killing,
Spilling blood on holy ground.
What have we done?

There's a girl, all alone,
She talks to herself to keep her sane.
Coz everywhere you look,
Life is falling,
Dust to dust tonight,
Filling out the forms and waiting,
Hating in this desperate hour.
What have we done?

We live in a faithless world,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
We have made our beds with fear,
For we don't understand,
That there's oxygen that we don't see.

There's a voice on the phone,
A silk violet sigh in the darkness.
Everywhere you look,
Life is failing,
Hailing strife a saviour,
All smooth-sailing while we bleeding,
Breathing in broken glass,
What have we done?

[bowl of oranges]

This is one of the first pieces i have read on here that makes effective use of repetition. I like the part near the beginning where you put...

And everywhere you look,
People are older,
People are colder,
Turning shoulders and they're killing,

I found that quite striking. Throughout the peice it creates quite strong images in my mind, a few parts could be worded better to help the flow

There's a girl, all alone,
She talks to herself to keep her sane.

these lines really don't flow. But with a little work this could be a decent peice.

7/10

a crit on my work would really be appreciated

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338240

thanks.

[Sloth]

Blacklight yeah yeah!

(insert my usual fanatic crap about your writing here)
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oranges already said my only complaint about the piece..

[LittlePound]

i liked it, sounds like christian song, like a dark one, i think it was great, sorry if you weren't goin for that aim though

[white_riot]

There's a girl, all alone,
She talks to herself to keep her sane.

I agree with bowl of oranges that bit doesn't really flow but the rest of it was pretty good. nice work.