Phone Calls To Your Own Heart. CRIT4CRIT

[bisnotch]

I got incredibly high and wrote this. Dig for the meaning, its in there. its pretty short. i haven't decided if i'm going to spruce it up or not. Give me advice please. If you are confused, ask. Go through it a couple times. If it doesn't make sense, feel free to tear it apart. CRIT FOR CRIT.

The dialtone echoes out of his ears.
It sounded like honestys accent.
It was blunt truth doing its work best.
The caller ID spells out unknown,
Self-acceptance starts its pranks again.
Her consistency is selling her out.
Answering the phone is his only escape,
The only time when he can have release.

Her ego has a sweet tooth for bullsh.it.
A desiring tongue that longs for hardship.
Soliloquy's notes from his burning throat.
A romantic ending from a loving drink.
Floating like an empty drifting dull boat,
Thinking that consciousness is on the brink.
Sugar coated lies taste good when you're drunk.
He's stumbling to her door with no such luck.

With one fumbling sad excuse for closure,
He hangs up, ending her prolonged rapture.

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

I got incredibly high and wrote this. Dig for the meaning, its in there. its pretty short. i haven't decided if i'm going to spruce it up or not. Give me advice please. If you are confused, ask. Go through it a couple times. If it doesn't make sense, feel free to tear it apart. CRIT FOR CRIT.

The dialton echoes out of his ears.
It sounded like honestys accent.
It was blunt truth doing its work best.
The caller ID spells out unknown,
Self-acceptance starts its pranks again.
Her consistency is selling her out.
Answering the phone is his only escape,
The only time when he can have release.

Her ego has a sweet tooth for bullsh.it.
A desiring tongue that longs for hardship.
Soliloquy's notes from his burning throat.
A romantic ending from a loving drink.
Floating like an empty drifting dull boat,
Thinking that consciousness is on the brink.
Sugar coated lies taste good when you're drunk.
He's stumbling to her door with no such luck.

The word drunk didn't seem to fit the song here, because you used a few other more sophisticated words.

With one fumbling sad excuse for closure,
He hangs up, ending her prolonged rapture.

Other than that one part, amazing job! I don't think I could correct much more without spending time searching for the whole story line. 9/10


http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338447

[mikethecoug]

i really like the concept of this, as he said the word drunk doesn't fit, but otherwise very good, 9 1/2 / 10 (nine and a half/ten)

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338666

[bisnotch]

bump

[white_riot]

That was really great, the first verse was really good and it sucked me in to read more. i agree with the others that drunk doesn't fit into it. the rest was realy good.

[bisnotch]

bump, lookin for some strong crits here. maybe some advice. please crit and leave a link to yours.

[pigonthewing82]

The dialtone echoes out of his ears.
It sounded like honestys accent.
It was blunt truth doing its work best.
The caller ID spells out unknown,
Self-acceptance starts its pranks again.
Her consistency is selling her out.
Answering the phone is his only escape,
The only time when he can have release.

Her ego has a sweet tooth for bullsh.it.
A desiring tongue that longs for hardship.
Soliloquy's notes from his burning throat.
A romantic ending from a loving drink.
Floating like an empty drifting dull boat,
Thinking that consciousness is on the brink.
Sugar coated lies taste good when you're drunk.
He's stumbling to her door with no such luck.
With one fumbling sad excuse for closure,
He hangs up, ending her prolonged rapture.

I like it, it is a concept that is used in many songs, but I haven't seen it presented in this way before. the ones in bold I think need some work. Since thats only one line thats good. You know I think if it was left out it really wouldn't change the flow of the song much, and it would all be gold. Either that or change it.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338578
Theres mine :)

[bard2dbone]

The dialtone echoes out of his ears.
It sounded like honestys accent.
It was blunt truth doing its work best.
The caller ID spells out unknown,
Self-acceptance starts its pranks again.
Her consistency is selling her out.
Answering the phone is his only escape,
The only time when he can have release.

Her ego has a sweet tooth for bullsh.it.
A desiring tongue that longs for hardship.
Soliloquy's notes from his burning throat.
A romantic ending from a loving drink.
Floating like an empty drifting dull boat,
Thinking that consciousness is on the brink.
Sugar coated lies taste good when you're drunk.
He's stumbling to her door with no such luck.

With one fumbling sad excuse for closure,
He hangs up, ending her prolonged rapture.

I'm not going to subject you to my usual line-bt-line critique. I don't think it would help with one structured like this. I think it is an awesome first draft, but it isn't done yet. I disagree with the line that is getting complained at. I like it. I actually think it is the best line here, although I agree that it doesn't fit well with the rest of the piece. And for some reason, I can't seem to love the last two lines, even though I often use soft rhymes like that.

When you get a chance, I would appreciate a crit of 'Information.'

[Syrio]

i really like this song. For some reason it reminds me of a kind of At The Drive-In feel. I can imagine it with some really experimental guitar riffs. The line about using the word "drunk", i like that line alot because it doesnt fit perfectly, but thats whats so good about it...kinda rips you back..haha...good job man.


http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7813770#post7813770

[bisnotch]

thanks for all of your crits, i'm liking them. As for the word drunk that everybody is disliking, syrio is the only one that has been right. I wanted to do that to rip you back. its kind of like a shock value, iunno. it disrupts the flow but i like it. I'll get back to everybodys crits when i have enough time, i just wanted to thank everbody now. it is much appreciated

[bisnotch]

bump

[WaitingForSomething]

this is an awsome song. i always say getting high makes people creative...but no one ever listens. congrats to you my friend. good job :thumb:

"A Good Nightmare" <---could you critique that? (unfortunately i wasnt high when i wrote this :sad: )

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

-Gotta love to see what you write when you're completely shitfaced :).

The dialtone echoes out of his ears.
It sounded like honestys accent.
It was blunt truth doing its work best.
The caller ID spells out unknown,
Self-acceptance starts its pranks again.
Her consistency is selling her out.
Answering the phone is his only escape,
The only time when he can have release.

--Though you keep a consistent message, I wont bash you for how incoherant and juvenile this feels, because let's face it, you were high. Definitely run this through when you're sober and give it a little revision. I feel like you could've make it a little more subtle while still holding true to the very in your face tone. Passive agressive is what I'm looking for. It just has the quality to it that I would expect someone who was very dispondent to write. It's not that bad, just needs to be fixed.

Her ego has a sweet tooth for bullsh.it.
A desiring tongue that longs for hardship.
Soliloquy's notes from his burning throat.
A romantic ending from a loving drink.
Floating like an empty drifting dull boat,
Thinking that consciousness is on the brink.
Sugar coated lies taste good when you're drunk.
He's stumbling to her door with no such luck.

--Overuse of adjectives are my complaint with this. Otherwise, very cool. The 3rd line is very impressive. This verse stands out to me as something that could become an amazing piece with some revision.

With one fumbling sad excuse for closure,
He hangs up, ending her prolonged rapture.

--Excellent ending.

Like I said, revision is the key to making this a great piece. Go back through, change the tone up a little in the verses, and you're set. Well done.

7/10

[bisnotch]

bdfgjh

[bisnotch]

thanks for the crits bitches

[silent_screamer]

unlike others here, i don't really know the meaning of this. the endings great. i agree with the drunk as everyone else. i like the similies and the sugar coated lies. it could use some work to make it flow a little better in my opinion.

ang