"Untitled" - Please crit, I'd like some help on this!

[mikethecoug]

Okay, I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and my band wants some of the new
stuff I've been writing, please tell me how this is. Thanks.

verse
How long do we stay here, all on our own.
What do we do once we've been shown
You say it'll be fine, you say it's OK.
Slowly you are going, fading away.

verse
I've tried for so long now to get you back
We were great together what is it that I lack?
Wasn't it cruel, wasn't it mean?
What is now a nightmare, started off as a dream

verse
In my mind, I say it everyday
The truth might hurt but it's not going away
It isn't too hard when you've got you're friends
But when you've got no one, that's where the story ends

chorus
And so you're my untitled
However hard you might try
You know it isn't enough
And after every white lie
You know it isn't enough
On my own, I hear you scream..
I come to get you, it's only a dream

[Zjanarhi]

A Breakup song? Not bad for a breakup song. It's better than, "WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?"

7/10
:thumb:

[mikethecoug]

well, it was a series of break up songs, i jus thought this was the best. nice avatar btw

[Light_Fantastic]

8/10 Great Lyrics, very thoughtful & heartfelt composition...
What do you plan to do musically.....Ballad type or something harder?

[mikethecoug]

we've done a sort of calm song, simple chords, kinda like time of your life by green day? that might be a bit of a bad example, look, here are the tabs :

http://www.mxtabs.net/tab_versions.php?path=Guitar,u,1489,Unsigned,The+C hange+Of+State+-+Untitled,202034

[Light_Fantastic]

Good Musical Ideas also...
I would be interested in hearing it after it was recorded...
Keep Rockin!!!
Jay

[mikethecoug]

Thanks, :D !! i'll try and get a recording up on here once weve done it for ya.

[Biancazzurri]

the lyrics are good

I just don't get which chord is the first one
it sounds awkward, i mean it has D and Db
why is that?

[mikethecoug]

my mate did it, it sounds pretty good when he plays it, we may have tabbed it wrong i dont know the chords are variations of good riddance by green day

E------------------------------------------------|
B-------0---------------2---------3--3-3--3-3-3--|
G----------0---0---2------3---0---0--0-0--0-0-0--| ...and then just
D--2---------2-----0--0-----0-----0--0-0--0-0-0--| start strumming
A--2--2---------------------------2--2-2--2-2-2--| the chords.
E--0--0---------------------------3--3-3--3-3-3--|

[bisnotch]

It seems to me like every other break up song I've heard before. You are lost, confused. How many different ways can you say you don't know what to do without her? I think the chorus should be used as a verse because it has a good ending. Iunno though. I haven't heard it. Try to be an entrepeneur, however the **** you spell that, and write something in a way thats never been done before. Be unique, if that's what you are going for. It does have emotion though, so it's not a lost cause. I don't mean for this to be harsh at all. Anyways, take my advice or leave it. thanks for your crit.

[Syrio]

hey i liked the song alot, flows really well and you can definitly tell the emotion behind it, good work.

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

It seems to me like every other break up song I've heard before. You are lost, confused. How many different ways can you say you don't know what to do without her? I think the chorus should be used as a verse because it has a good ending. Iunno though. I haven't heard it. Try to be an entrepeneur, however the **** you spell that, and write something in a way thats never been done before. Be unique, if that's what you are going for. It does have emotion though, so it's not a lost cause. I don't mean for this to be harsh at all. Anyways, take my advice or leave it. thanks for your crit.

My thoughts pretty identical here. Kind of cliche-ish. The flow of the lyrics are also cliched. You do have emotion to begin with. Just keep writing, and you'll start picking up on your own mistakes. After a month or two (assuming you write about one song a day) you will start getting the hang of it.

[mikethecoug]

Thanks alot everybody for the crits, i will may edit it and do some swapping around, and maybe write a new chorus and make the song a little longer, thanks for the tips, really appreciate it.

OKAY - So I've gone away and tried to edit it a little bit, please help me if this sounds better, and thanks alot already for all that you guys have done, songs can always be improved, and you've helped me really well.

I also rearranged the guitar tab, this might be a little clearer now:
http://mxtabs.net/tab_versions.php?path=Guitar,u,1489,Unsigned,The+C hange+Of+State+-+Untitled,202034

Enjoy.. :D

verse 1
How long do we stay here, all on our own.
What do we do once we've been shown
You say it'll be fine, you say it's OK.
Slowly you are going, fading away.

chorus
And so you're my untitled
However hard you might try
You know it isn't enough
And after every white lie
You know it isn't enough
What was it that tore us apart
Left us with shredded pieces of broken hearts

verse 2
I've tried for so long now to get you back
We were great together what do I lack?
Wasn't it cruel, wasn't it mean?
What is now a nightmare, started off as a dream

chorus

verse 3
In my head, I have to say it everyday
The truth might hurt but it's not going away
It isn't too hard when you've got you're friends
But when you've got no one, that's where the story ends

chorus

verse 4
In the middle of the night, I can hear you scream..
My arms reach out to get you, but it's only a dream
We're just friends is what you always say
Again and again, led astray

chorus

[MisterXIsSilent]

Wasn't it cruel, wasn't it mean?
What is now a nightmare, started off as a dream

Those lines are the best lines in the song they stuck out which was good. The rest of the song was good, nothing too spectacular but good for a beginning, you could use a little imagry, but then maybe thats not your style anywayz 7/10 Good Job

[mikethecoug]

thanks alot!

[metal sh*t]

7.5/10 good job :thumb:

[white_riot]

That was really good, it flowed good and your lyrics are really great. 8/10

[mikethecoug]

Thanks alot guys! Leave a link and and i'll crit yours!

[silent_screamer]

not bad i liked it. but i do think it could use some more variety with words. the rhymes are good, but i'm not a big fan. other than that its really good. flows well too.

ang-i