Apologize?? (New kinda song for me..PLEASE crit)

[Syrio]

Rip this knife straight from my heart
And remember you were the very start
Of a pain that keeps flashing back
Reminding me of what ill never get back
Yet i keep letting the blood run free
Hoping that someday youll finally see

So quickly i apologize
Trying hard to forget all your lies
And i wipe away your tears
Reminding you softly that im always here
Even though you refuse to hear

Its getting dark and the lights fade out
Im trying hard to get out this shout
But my mouth feels foreign to me
And i cant quite remember how to breath
To remind you to never go back
Please let go of the past
Cause he was never deserving of you
And i cant stand what hes put you through

So quickly i apologize
Reminding myself that you never lied
And i wipe away your tears
Wishing i could hold you near
To remind you of what you once held dear

But never forget
Never forget that your better than this
And i wish
I could take away this pain
Realizing only your to blame

So quickly i apologize
Whispering to you one more lie
Saying that im doing alright
And that you were never worth the fight
But i can taste the lie on my tounge as i draw you near
Whispering that everything will be alright



Any comments would be much appreciated.....im not quite sure what i think of this song yet, but please give me your input. Thanks in advance..

[Skizzzo]

K, so I wrote like an essay on how to improve your song including a rewriten chorus but mxtabs was being annoying so it stopped me. Here's a quick recap on what to do.

- Every word you ended on is so bland and trite. Use new vocab because these rhymes are putting me to sleep.
-Too much violence in some areas. Your song has a meaning that i'm pretty sure I understand, yet you use lyrics like "Rip this knife straight from my heart" .... Like what?
Why does it have to be so angry, all this should be changed (I am a fan of violence but this doesn't work at all, sorry)
-Your lyrics are boring, period. I think you should go through and redo most of your sentences. You try to go for something new which is cool in your second verse but you need to have your listeners want to feel for your lyrics. If you want to be more than a ****ty punk singer you need to have a feel for your words
- Your chorus is ****.
You can't rhyme Here and Hear as your ****ing clincher unless your boarderline retarded. This is what brings people in and you released this masacre to modern english. Redo the entire thing and dont open with the word apologize. Save it for the end for dramatic effect.

It's an OKAY rough draft but for serious input, i'd give it a C-.


You aren't in the fifth grade so prove to me in your writing that you aren't.

[Syrio]

hahaha....thanks alot for the input its really appreciated, ill get on totally rewritting it today and try and post it up, thanks

[bowl of oranges]

I don't think it's as bad as the previous crit said. For this type of song i think you've done ok. True some of the vocabularly used is fairly boring and could be improved overall i think it's quite a solid song. Although some of the rhymes are really obvious and maybe sound a little forced it does seem to flow quite well and could easily work to music i think. With some work this could become a nice song.

6/10

A crit on my work would be really appreciated.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338240

thanks.

[Syrio]

Thanks for the crit. This songs definitly in its early stages and im in the process of fixing it up hopefully ill post another version soon.

[Syrio]

This is my newest version of the song...i personally think its much better, please post all crits in association to this version and not the earlier one. Thanks


Rip this knife straight from my heart
With the impecable aim youve come to claim
That tears and twists this dystopia
Leaving my lost, alone, and without hope

Its getting dark and the lights fade out
I catch a faint glimmer that only clots
And cauterizes a wound thats
Left me transfixed in a place i swore id never go
Attempting to replace what you decimate

But i digress
When i lie awake thought less
This angst the unwanted company
In nexus with my visions of you and me
And i cant escape this black hole
That repulses all my attempts
To finally let go...

So quickly i apologize
Whispering to you one more lie
Saying that im doing alright
And you were never really worth the fight
But i can taste this tangable lie on my tounge
As i draw you close
Promising that everything will turn out right


Thanks for checking this out, id really appreciate feedback, may add more verses not sure yet, but please tell me what you think. Thanks

[mikethecoug]

the newer version is much better, and it flows better than before, i really think with a little bit more improvement this could be great.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=338666

now crit mine :P

[Syrio]

thanks alot for the crit. i also took a look at your song. Ive made a very bad recording of this song with only a guitar and used the second lyrics with this as the chorus:


How can i forget your lies?
They come back time and time again
Yet still i throw my heart at your feet
And you just sit there watching it beat


If i get the crappy recording on a site ill give a link...its very pop punkish, which i dunno if i like that or not, but well see. Please keep the crits coming, and thanks alot. Oh yeah...and if you could specify what parts you would change and why thatd be nice....hahah...thanks again..

[Bub]

Yeah the improvement is definitely better, and Im unsure the knife intro. Someone described it as "violent", which of course is true, but for me its because its such an overused way to describe heartache. You know, no-one says "emotional heartburn" or anything, its always the knife.
The structure on the verses seems a little off but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt in the music. Overall it was pretty good, as far as pop-punk emo lyrics go

[Syrio]

Thanks for the crit

[Txus]

I absolutely love the intro of this song is amazing BUT after that it seems your writing becomes boring and repetitive but it's ok i'll gve it a 6/10 KEEP ON GOING!

[mpdrummer16]

All i have to say is I think the chorus is quite catchy, even though you rhyme here with hear i think its a cool thing to do, and makes for a good connection between the first line and last line of the chorus.... and like the song- good job

[bisnotch]

not my can of peaches. i'm not into the whole slit my wrists for the one i love kinda mood anymore. I just think it is not subtle enough. But then again, maybe you were going for that. who knows.