My New Song

[pigonthewing82]

I wrote this song this morning, I want this one to be rated much more then my last one so I hope nobody minds if I change the topic of the thread :)


Hourglass

The sand grain slips through a transparent hourglass
The grain gone forever makes its pass
As it hits the bottom made of brass

The hourglass of a timeless brand
Keeps on pouring out the sand
If only I could turn it with my hand

Above the brass there is a hill
The sand grains still have much to fill
And each grain puts an end to our free will

Can't you see that life is planned
And I can't control the sand
The die was cast before it left my hand

And still the sand slips through the timeless hourglass
The grain gone forever makes its pass
As it breaks through the bottom, and settles in the grass

[mpdrummer16]

i like it! its not a well written song with very good word usage, it seems to flow well too!...good job

[crazy__crash]

Vocabulary is ranged. I like that in a song. It all seemed to fit so well together, but when I tried to sing it in my head, there were a lot of breaks and bumps in the flow/rythm.

6.5/10

[pigonthewing82]

Yeah I can see how when played in your head it might seem to not flow (though it does in mine). I was trying for a kind of set up I hadn't seen before. It went

rhyeme word one
rhyeme word one
rhymeme word two
rhymeme word two

(next verse) rhymeme word two
Rhymeme word two
Rhyeme word three
Rhyeme word three

[Skizzzo]

That rhyme scheme is ludicrous.
You can't just make up patterns that dont work at all.

It's alright nothing special. That's why it's a 4/10.
This peas in the pod was one of the worst metaphors ever, in the history of all lyrics across the globe. Sounded like a Barney or Raffi rendition for children. Resubmit a song with a rhyme scheme before I take a look at it.

[pigonthewing82]

That rhyme scheme is ludicrous.
You can't just make up patterns that dont work at all.

It's alright nothing special. That's why it's a 4/10.
This peas in the pod was one of the worst metaphors ever, in the history of all lyrics across the globe. Sounded like a Barney or Raffi rendition for children. Resubmit a song with a rhyme scheme before I take a look at it.

Well I have no problem with your post thanks for the feedback, though I do have to ask, why can't I just think up a rhyme scheme? It works when played with the instrumentals I wrote for it. If people didn't expirement with different rhyme patterns they how would new ideas get invented. And I guess I'll change the peas in a pot thing.

[Skizzzo]

Look, I can help you out just put it in

A/A/B/B C/C/D/D
or
A/A/A/A B/B/B/B C/C/C/C
For me.

[pigonthewing82]

Well I welcome your help, but I used that pattern for a reason, I'm not going to change it just because it isn't what people are used to.

[Rise Me Up]

I like it.

[pigonthewing82]

I hope nobody minds but I changed the song lyrics in this thread. I wrote one this morning that I want people's opinions on much more so I posted that one instead. My old one had already been rated so I thought why not.

I know it may cause some confusion, but ignore the posts above, they were for the old song.

[pigonthewing82]

Come on could I have at least two or three reviews on it before it falls into the depths of MX.

[Weezerfan_returns]

I thought it was pretty cool. Not my style, but really cool lyrics. Nice job dude!

this is my favorite line: Can't you see that life is planned
And I can't control the sand

the only thing abotu it I don't like, is the last line, about the grass, but its still cool

[pigonthewing82]

Thanks for the review :thumb:

[bisnotch]

i saw ur crit, i'll get back on yours soon.

[bisnotch]

Good message, horrible execution.
The rhyming lulled me into boredom and then anger. I would try going over this and putting words in that flow. It doesnt have to rhyme to sound good. I liked the simple language and how you didn't try killing us with 6-syllable daggers. Go back to the basics and work from that. I'm sorry if this crit is of no use.