Take-Off

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

Tell me what you think (changes in bold):




Verse One:
A plane flies over head
In night's clear view
Close enough to reach up
Pick out of the sky
Soon fades away and matches stars
Still in sight
For me to wish that I had grabbed it when the chance was near

Chorus:
Searching for that plane I saw inside my mind
Hoping just to sleep again to watch it fly by
Granted I have common sense, I'll grab it tight
Hoping just for one more chance to see that plane again

Verse Two:
Squinting through the fog enough
To find those flashing lights
The ones that once had called my name
More softly every day
Finally the light is gone
The clouds hold nothing (for me to long for)
[chorus]

Bridge:
Night is short and stars are stable
The sky is my heart
Where the plane still remains
Just getting far too distant to find again
[chorus]

[bowl of oranges]

I like the overall idea. But i think you drag the idea on too long and perhaps could develop the song to go further afield than just grabbing a plane. Also i found it didn't flow tremendously well. But again i have to state i like the idea.

I expected something genericly emo when i read your name... but was pleasantly surprised. With some work and development this could be a nice peice. Would like to see a revision if you feel like doing so sometime...

6/10

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

Thanks for rating. I got over the generic-emo stage 100 songs back.

[bowl of oranges]

Glad to hear it. If you wouldn't mind i have a song called 'An appetite for actuality' that could do with a crit.

[Bub]

Its ok, strange and you repeat "plane" and the same ideas quite often...I can see its a running theme but maybe some other words. Also the structure lacks a bit...of...structure...
....yeah
lol its the first verse really

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

Its ok, strange and you repeat "plane" and the same ideas quite often...I can see its a running theme but maybe some other words. Also the structure lacks a bit...of...structure...
....yeah
lol its the first verse really


The first verse actually flows well, it's just impossible to show the readers on this site HOW it flows. And about "plane," I knew someone was going to mention that. I just cannot come up with another word. I'll check out a thesaurus and change it if I can find something better. Thanks for crit.

[Kyle]

Ok first off thanks for the constructive crit of my crit song. I'd like to start by saying that i actually enjoyed this song and it is nice to see somebody have a go at something a little more challenging.

A plane flies over head
In night's plain view
Ok, i realise that the double use of 'plane' and 'plain' is most probably intentional, but considering the amout of times 'plane' is used throughout the song i think this needs to be changed.

Searching for that plane I saw inside my mind
Hoping just to sleep again to watch it fly by
Granted I have common sense, I'll grab it tight
Hoping just for one more chance to see that plane again
I absolutely love this chorus, it is flawless. It flows perfectly, re-inforces the meaning of the verse/song. perfect :thumb:

Eventually....
The plane crosses the fog far enough to hide its flashing lights
The ones that before called my name
More softly every day
Now that the light is gone
The sky holds nothing (for me to long for)
This verse is ok, theres nothing in here that really makes me think, its just further extending a tiring metaphor. You could maybe use a word like 'jet' to replace plane in tis verse, just makes things more interesting.

Night is short and stars are stable
The sky is my heart
Where the plane still remains
Just getting far too distant to find again
neat finish, interesting heart/sky metaphor. I think if you could change the verses round a little, so the song is not so focused arounf the one idea, this could be a very cool song.

Overall this song is so close to being very very good. Unfortunately for me it just didn't click in a few places, but it could be easily re-worked. For being initive and ambitious this song gets an 8. well done :thumb:

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

Ok first off thanks for the constructive crit of my crit song. I'd like to start by saying that i actually enjoyed this song and it is nice to see somebody have a go at something a little more challenging.

A plane flies over head
In night's plain view
Ok, i realise that the double use of 'plane' and 'plain' is most probably intentional, but considering the amout of times 'plane' is used throughout the song i think this needs to be changed.

Searching for that plane I saw inside my mind
Hoping just to sleep again to watch it fly by
Granted I have common sense, I'll grab it tight
Hoping just for one more chance to see that plane again
I absolutely love this chorus, it is flawless. It flows perfectly, re-inforces the meaning of the verse/song. perfect :thumb:

Eventually....
The plane crosses the fog far enough to hide its flashing lights
The ones that before called my name
More softly every day
Now that the light is gone
The sky holds nothing (for me to long for)
This verse is ok, theres nothing in here that really makes me think, its just further extending a tiring metaphor. You could maybe use a word like 'jet' to replace plane in tis verse, just makes things more interesting.

Night is short and stars are stable
The sky is my heart
Where the plane still remains
Just getting far too distant to find again
neat finish, interesting heart/sky metaphor. I think if you could change the verses round a little, so the song is not so focused arounf the one idea, this could be a very cool song.

Overall this song is so close to being very very good. Unfortunately for me it just didn't click in a few places, but it could be easily re-worked. For being initive and ambitious this song gets an 8. well done :thumb:

Thanks for the crit, brotha. However, I'm not too comfortable with the word jet. It makes it seem like a whole different object to me. I'm trying now to rephrase
"Eventually....
The plane crosses the fog far enough to hide its flashing lights"

[Kyle]

Thanks for the crit, brotha. However, I'm not too comfortable with the word jet. It makes it seem like a whole different object to me. I'm trying now to rephrase
"Eventually....
The plane crosses the fog far enough to hide its flashing lights"
yeah i wasn't particularly happy with it either, i couldn't think of anything else though. Oh well good luck, let me know if you change things round.

[bisnotch]

It was somewhat choppy. There didnt seem to be a clear pattern, syllable usage, etc. The chorus on the other hand, i thought was very solid. The rhyming wasn't too extraordinary. It just seemed a little bland to me. Keep reworking it.

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

yeah i wasn't particularly happy with it either, i couldn't think of anything else though. Oh well good luck, let me know if you change things round.

Just fixed it up about an hour ago. Forgot to check back on replies.

[Kyle]

Just fixed it up about an hour ago. Forgot to check back on replies.
:amaze: thats really cool.
Im glad to ee you took some of my suggestions on board. Its funny how such simple changes can make such a huge difference. I'll now give this a 9/10, but only because i on't give 10's.
Keep writing to this standard :thumb:

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

:amaze: thats really cool.
Im glad to ee you took some of my suggestions on board. Its funny how such simple changes can make such a huge difference. I'll now give this a 9/10, but only because i on't give 10's.
Keep writing to this standard :thumb:

Yeah, I have a thing against 10's as well.

[Kyle]

yeah, its not right to label a song perfect, unless it changes your life or something, like songs have done.

[bowl of oranges]

I like the changes. Good work. Has a big effect on the overal peice.

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

Thanks, I'm going to attempt to put up a few new songs soon as well....if I get around to it.

[CcD]

Sorry for the delayed crit, and thanks for the crit on my peice. Can't say much about this song that hasn't already been stated. Interesting idea, but as someone already pointed out, it feels as if you dragged it out too much. It's a bit choppy in a few places, so I'm not sure if it will be able to have a good flow to it when sung, although after reading it a few times it is easier to establish a rhythm. Nothing in particluar jumped out at me as being really original in how you worded it, so it feels bland, especially the second verse ( though the first three lines of it weren't bad). I liked the bridge alot. The metaphore keeps the reader thinking about the song even after they finish reading it. Overall some rewording and reworking of the second verse could make this a really good peice.

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

There. I made a few minor changes. I'm still trying to rework the bridge a tad.